The Next Chapter - The Not Knowing

7.25.21 - Accidently didn't hit publish...

 As time has passed and I've grown into this next chapter of life that I didn't document for this community, I've come to a place of acceptance that my expectations for what I expected of myself the last decade at Knowing and what birthed from the same are bigger than you or I.

Long before Knowing and Whole & Balanced Living, I was keeping a private blog with link only access. A blog I've been recently instructed to return to for review, as I do the sacred work of healing trauma around my father's passing Christmas Day, 2020.

Before I had the name for the 5 Claires life. Before I had the name for Lipedema, the genetic mess I deal with and have been dealing with since puberty. Before I knew that spirit and all that is or ever will be for us humans affirmed that we never really die. Before I reclaimed my worth and unapologetically started following my pulls, downloads and nudges. 

With ownership of all of the above comes vulnerability. Allowing people in who know, who see the shift in my energies and eyes when I'm not at the wheel, an exercise in trust.

Nothing hurt more over the years that having someone you love and trusted, embraced, who supposedly accepted it all, turn and run from it all. When someone who's all in starts questioning and calling you crazy. When they're injecting dark beliefs and dark thoughts into the light. 

My softer side really wishes things could be as they were with that person, versus fear and mental health struggles taking them away from what we were building that was bigger than either of us. I even still pray and send this person reiki love, protection and healing energies. 

Nonetheless, as I heal what happened the last few years that I had no control over, I am remembering who I was and who I am today, beyond the limiting thoughts or belief systems came to rest in my being here and there along the journey.

I'm grateful for what today holds. For the light in the darkness. For the knowing. For the 5 Claires life. For having a vision, purpose and calling.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my dots along the journey that have brought wisdom, passion, and love into my life. I love my tribe and my life by design people. 

Life "After" a Global Crisis

Here we are, humanity, trying to makes heads or tails of the craziest year and a half most of us can remember. 

Did this bring us together, or tear us apart? Did the loss of life, income and opportunity make you bitter or push you out of your comfort zones? 

Are you still suffering? It feels as if most of the planet still is, and that we're really no better off than we were when the news broke. 

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. All I do know is that we have to put ourselves first. We have to take care of our health, our bodies, those things within our control, as best we can. 

We have to let go of people who are toxic and who bring harm in hard times. In the same breath, we need to know the difference between intentional harm and harm as a result of mental distress. There are many good eggs out there who are spiraling through this mess and that spiral looks and feels like something it really isn't if you take the time to see past the rants and look at the person behind them. 

The world is at its highest recorded numbers of mental illness, suicide and addiction use. Keep this in mind when you're operating out in the world. If you have love to give, radiate it. If you need love, ask for it. We're all still in this together, whether we like it or not.

Expiration Dates

When we go to the grocery store, the FDA makes sure we know the shelf life of the goods we buy. We get a warning of what's to come and how to handle what we consume. Wouldn't it be nice if Life had the same labels for people and situations. Think about it.

How many times have you held onto people or situations in your life that were past their shelf life? Careers that were unfulfilling. The boss you worked too long with.  The bad sublet you stayed in when it would of been better to move on.  Relationships with roommates that weren't flowing.  Lovers that were toxic.  Family members who needed healthy boundaries.  Being stuck when you know the fastest way out of stuck is just acting to protect your authentic self.  Even some friendships can have a shelf life if they're not evolving, too.

Remember that reason, season, lifetime scenario? We need to stop sticking and staying by situations and people who don't bring us peace and happiness. This thing we do as humans of expanded consciousness, of guilting ourselves into loving everyone unconditionally in a way that allows them in, it has a time and a place. It's not a catch all to commit no matter what.  We need to learn how to leave situations.  We also need to learn how to leave people alone.  We can and we should separate ourselves from those not serving our greatest good.

Yes, we do learn through contrast. But, once we learn the lessons, we also must learn to leave people alone and how to let go when the situations and dynamics no longer suit us.  People should feel good.  Work should feel good.  Life, when we are thriving, it feels good. 

Stop hanging onto the "spoiled fruit." We cannot pick, hold and consume the "good fruit" when we do that. We have to decide. Decide to feel good. Decide to let go. Remember that. I love you.

- Nita Clewis
Knowing (The Blog)
©2019 www.KnowingBlog.com

The Shift

It was December 30, 2009.  I had ended a decade long relationship of love and toxic turmoil earlier that year, with a man I *know* I was tied to in a "way beyond this place" planned life.  My pulls are never wrong, ever. 

Since that time, I've treaded lightly in love, from not allowing myself to get close to "what I know" won't last, to cautiously believing in 2015, that I was on my way to a mutually respectful relationship headed towards a "real" marriage.  Instead, my heart was shattered by a coward.  Which, in the big picture, is OKAY.   Okay because my grandmother taught me, there's no room in a woman's life for a man without a spine to do the right thing.  Add to that the deaths of 2 other men I let into my day-to-day art of living these past 8 years, and well, needless to say, I've stayed single. Purposely single. Healing.

I haven't given up on love, on true partnership, on another pull walking into my life and rocking my world.  Just as I never lost the love I have towards the one I had to walk away from.  I will always love him from afar.  I will always be energetically tied to him.  I can tell you on any given day what mood he is in, or even when he thinks about me.  I will always love and appreciate what I learned in my time with him, raising his daughter as my own, enjoying the healthy days of energy between us, and becoming a strong woman walking away from them both (couldn't take her with me) to a healthier life, one free of his sociopathic, controlling, & narcissistic ways. 

God has a way of allowing us to create peace in any pain. We just have to look for the things to be grateful for in the situation, once removed from it. The 20+ years I spent knowing both the pull and the coward, I believe, laid the foundation, for whatever comes next for me. That one day, I'll have what was good and right about both of them, manifested in someone else. One taught me to trust my pulls. The other taught me that someone can and will love my Lipedema body, love me, accept me, with paranormal activities,  and everything that comes along with being a light, and a healer. That I can be me, 100% in my own skin.  A real partner, a best friend. No walls. No boundaries. Just effortless being. Yes, that's what's ahead. And, I'm happy being solo until I get it! Eight years later, I know my worth.  I hope you know yours. You're priceless. Remember that, I love you.

Connecting the Dots 2.0 - The Teachers & The Students

As Spring has began to turn around the mountains, it's a reminder of the Season's renewal.  A reminder of how we must remain steadfast and hopeful for warmer, brighter days ahead.  Especially when we endure the winters of our lives.

Some friends, as well as myself, have been navigating some circumstances in life that for many, could overturn even the most upright ship.  I have nothing but love and gratitude to those who grace my life with their own struggles, who bare their souls wide open, free from the fear of judgment, to connect and share that which pains them.  I think when we share with each other, we allow each other in. Within that mix of coming and going, we learn how to help one another.  That "tribe" way of living can make even the most painful of experiences peaceful one day.

I've been teaching a lot lately about "the dots"....those moments in life that change our course.  The ones that connect later and we see the picture before us of our lives.  The cause and effects of the journey.  Within the work of teaching, I'm reminded of the lessons in my own dots. 

There's nothing more liberating than being distant from those moments that you once thought defined you.  We get to a place where we just learn to be ourselves.  We make no apologies for being human, flawed, emotional and loving.  We don't care if people don't get us because those who do get us, they're worth our time and attention. We become that which we decide to become. We all have free will here.  Why not pick peace in the pain?

So, here we all are.  Enjoying what we can hold onto that's positive of life.  We're fortunate to even have an opportunity to connect those dots.  Far too many people don't get along far enough in life to do so and even more than that walk around immune to the cause and effect tapestry before them.

To each their own. In my big picture they're not present anyway.  :)

As you go about Spring and renewal, remember your own dots and find gratitude for those moments that were once heartbreakingly disappointing.  Without them, seeds wouldn't of been planted for the come back and transcendence of those obstacles.  All pain has opportunity.  We just need to be willing to be open to it.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

The Mirror: Relationships 101 - A Litmus Test

As a survivor of narcissistic, psychopathic and sociopathic abuse, I learned A LOT by screwing up my own life to be able to pound these keys to share the following.  Adding to that decade of wrong choices is two decades of working with clients going through divorces and planning their estates.  Lets just say that I have a very directed point of view about what does and doesn't work in relationships.  

I'm back to this area of life sharing because I have a few friends struggling to stay afloat in the rapids of significant other love.  One is trying to leave a narcissist and sociopath whom they share a child with.  Another is repeating low self worth behaviors with a new abuser.  One has a lazy partner who doesn't know how to covet what he wants and projects his own insecurities upon her.  And another is so desperate to be loved, honored and cherished that they've been blinded by what is versus what they want and actually deserve.  I mean damn, was I just not writing in my last blog about my own journey in remembering and letting go of someone who wasn't there for my greater good?  That's how this life is though.  It brings to the forefront people I love seeking comfort, guidance and advice of things that mirror mine or another's evolution of self.  I get to receive downloads and inspired thoughts for them, who are in effect being used as a tool to teach another person I love, sometimes even myself.

As you embark upon the last two months of this year, I really want you to connect with what's coming through right now for each of you below.  To listen and receive what's pulling on you in your life that deserves your attention.  That way, when we greet 2016, you will have set yourself up for your best year of sorting yet in Life Department Love.  Sit down.  Light some Nag.  Walk on the shore. Absorb what I'm about to say.  Then act damn it.  ACT.  You are far too precious in this world to not know these things and those with children, they are watching and learning what we do.

Ladies and gentlemen, if the person in your life doesn't bring you peace, understanding and grace, they're not there in your life to fix those things in them.  They're there in your life to remind you of what you don't want.  Of what you don't deserve.  Of what you're working towards.  Those of you who know me understand that although I'm not a religious person, that I do love God and take away from the Bible many of its Universal teachings.  One that I've learned to apply in my own life is from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  The one that says...

What I basically do now with everyone allowed personal time with me is to hold them to this standard.  Friends, coworkers, family and lovers; no one is immune from it.  I just replace their name with the word Love and see if the person measures up to be worthy of my efforts, time and attention.  So, ask yourself these hard questions and be open to prune away those not serving your greatest good.  Some will need to be gone for good.  Others you'll need to learn how to put healthy boundaries in place for.  After all, we can't pick new fruit if our hands are full of that which is rotten.

1.  Is he/she patient?

We're not talking the typical Nita wants what she wants, when she wants it, today is for the living, where was I again when patience was given away as a virtue?  We're talking about you and your evolution of self.  Do the people in your life allow for your own personal growth?  Do they stay the course?  Do they know how to wait on God to do his work through you and in you?

2.  Is he/she kind?

Hello! Stop sign!  This is not about when someone wants something from you.  Is the person kind?  To animals.  To others.  To that pain in the ass who just cut them off in traffic when they've already had a crazy stressful day.  How does this person handle stress and the day-to-day art of living?  Are they mean or do they strive to lead with love and be kind?

3.  Is he/she jealous?

We're not talking territorial here.  We're talking flat out lack of self esteem and self worth envy. The not believing or knowing one's worth.  The being driven by fear of loss to not trust with every fiber of your being that this person in your life is there for a reason, and even if that reason doesn't last, their lessons left upon your life will IF YOU ALLOW THEM TO.

4.  Does he/she boast?

Boasting is ego rooted.  It comes from a lack of connection to source.  Of not understanding the laws of intention, attraction and action.  Boasting comes from a lack of sense of self.  Humble people know they have God given talents and can be amusing in their assertions, but when it comes down to it, they won't take credit for what flows through them to help another.  They sow seeds of good deeds not for praise, but for what they're doing.  Simply to be a light.  To do good in the world for another.

5.  Is he/she proud?

This is not about "I met my sales goals last month.  Whoo hoo!" or "Hello my friend, do I not have the best ever magic hands?" or "Mom, I'm on the honor roll again (hint hint, where's my money)."  This is about people who have a lack of self esteem and self worth who build themselves upon being prideful.  They don't get that just being themselves IS ENOUGH.  That being patient, kind and loving is enough.  Again, boasting is rooted in a lack of self worth.  It's a caution sign of sorts in dealing with other people and operates much like jealousy and pride.  All of these things are rooted in fear and lack.

6.  Does he/she easily anger?

While some moodiness is chemical in nature, most is attitude and a lack of regard for others.  A lack of golden rule living in the heat of the moment kind of thing.  Note the word EASILY above.  Is he/she thick skinned?  Can they navigate the world in such a way that little things aren't big things? Anger is a symptom of other issues.  It's a trigger for change needed and a reflection of fear.  Anger is often about control.  Those who anger easily have much personal evolution to work on and remember, it's NOT YOUR ROLE to fix them.  That's between them and God.

7.  Does he/she keep a record of your wrongs?

Oh yes, the laundry list.  You know, that list that comes out each and every time a new issue comes up that needs discussion and growth in.  The record of every mistake you ever made or personality flaw you've ever had with the other person.  Score keeping is rooted in control.  It's a way for a person to feel at home in a victim role.  It's how those with a lack of sense of worth and self navigate their broken world. The opposite is letting go of wrongs, of knowing we're all human and here to fail and make mistakes.  We're not a definition of those mistakes, we're a definition of who we allow ourselves to become in light of them.

8.  Does he/she delight in suffering?

Wallow in negative things?  Hurt other people?  All of which could be considered evil.  My mom has a great saying, "Some people have a need to suffer."  That's their path.  Not mine.  Not yours.  Not your employees.  They just don't know how to survive without creating chaos.  Their entire identity is about the struggle or their victimhood.

9.  Does he/she rejoice when truth is spoken?

When the Universal Knowledge of life flows?  When one graciously with love corrects or points out an unsavory behavior?  Or does the person fight you tooth and nail, dancing with denial, projecting their own issues upon you?  None of us like to be corrected.  None of us like to learn that we're hurting another person.  Denial is a defensive mechanism of learning truth.  Trust me, and look me in the eye when I say this, YOU WILL REPEAT YOUR MISTAKES UNTIL YOU LEARN THE LESSONS IN THEM.  So will others.  This is when we REALLY have to work on our egos to lead with love. To humbly accept another's opinion of where we're going ary and to ask God and our guides for guidance in showing us the truth behind them, including where we can improve as people.

10.  Does he/she protect you?

When you're not on your A game, do they help to guide you?  Does the person remind you of your hurts so that you don't repeat them?  Do they help you pivot your thoughts to those that are empowering versus damaging to your being?  Do they protect you?  From the world, but mostly from yourself?

11.  Does he/she have unwavering trust in you?

Life is too finite to live it with people who don't trust and believe in you.  We have an obligation to be honest and unfiltered first.  We must own who we are, flaws and all, before we can trust in another.  We must see the beauty in imperfection within ourselves before we can trust it in another.  Once we get this lesson, it's so much easier to sort the people in our lives who trust in us.

12.  Does he/she always have a hopeful attitude?

Are they a positive in your life?  Do they help you to pivot your thoughts away from what some term "evil" which is basically any negative thought that defeats all your glory?  This is where trusting themselves comes in.  If one can trust, it's much easier to be hopeful.  Hope of better days is what gets us going in the darkness of life.  Dark doesn't like light in biblical terms.  Things can't grow in the darkness until they've adapted to do so for millions if not billions of years of evolution.  We're homosapians, not miracle workers.  We grow and thrive in the light.  Hope is light.

13.  Does he/she work to preserve you?

Again, are the people in your life looking out for your greater good?  Do they actually do the work and say the words that preserve what's right and good about you?  Your work ethic.  Your being.  Your example to the world.  Are they for you or are they against you?  Don't settle for anything less than someone who can see right through you and still believe in your highest good.  Someone who treasures what you bring to the table of their life.  Someone who inspires you to save yourself because again, we cannot fix each other.  We just simply get to be part of their toolbox and blueprint going forward.  Know the difference.  God/The Universe help people to fix themselves.  Not us.  Yes, I'm being repetitive.  That's how we learn.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.    

Dare to Jump - Navigating the "Perfect Storm"

Earlier this month I mentioned that I would cover an episode of transcendence. I've said before that when I started making Knowing public via this blog that I was doing so pass along the beneficial knowledge of life, to be able to help others.  I never "knew" or thought that it would evolve into what it's morphing into today.  A day to day life of nudges, downloads and occasional visits from entities who have once incarnated here and since gone home to the other side.  I still don't get it or understand it all and I doubt I ever will.  I don't think that's the point however.  As much as we humans love to know answers, I think some answers won't come until we close our eyes that one last time and make the leap ourselves back into full spirit form.  I think the point of these changes in my own journey is to simply hold my attention (short attention span theater say what) long enough to keep me on my toes.  All kidding aside, it takes a lot of removing one's own ego to TRUST what one is receiving for another.  To have the courage to open one's mouth and reach.  I experienced my hardest reach yet and I wanted to share it with you here in hopes that the next time you're on your own self inflicted fence, that you'll act and get out of your own way as I did that fateful night.

What happened was that I found myself in another state and another town "playing team" for an old friend.  Live music at a venue I'd always wanted to get to for other events but that never manifested due to other situations taking the wheel of life.  Even my friend of 19 years who was performing was an important part of what occurred that evening.  Today as I pen this blog, she's performing in New York on their largest bill yet, KROCKATHON.  I was supposed to be at their EP Release in Baltimore at Otto Bar the week after the Baltimore riots and that didn't manifest either due to health issues on my end so this show on June 12th was important in many ways.  The venue.  The artist.  The getting to say congratulations, this EP is magnificent in person talk.  Little did I know just how all be design it really was.  I'd even invited friends to attend with me.  Friends who couldn't come or who had to back out at the last moment, leaving me flying solo with my friend, her band, other patrons and my own thoughts and the nudges that would come later as the evening progressed.  Even her merchandise volunteer didn't show up, which put me in that area for a while and allowed me to fulfill that little need for them while they performed their set.  

After their performance, I went to watch the next artist, someone new to me whom I was "pulled" towards by Spirit from the moment they walked in the room for sound check.  Not the "who are you" pull but the "pay attention Nita and listen" pull.  My friend was so excited to see this artist live but she couldn't leave her band duties to go up there so I gladly volunteered and went up to take photos for both of us and see what this "pull" was all about.  Standing there is when I first felt him, someone present from over there.  Someone really strong and really persistent.  I tried to ignore him.  I was enjoying the music, even singing along to songs "as if I knew them" which to this day, I can't really explain.  The energy was incredibly intense. So intense as time passed that it became unbearable.  I had to get back, to get away from where it was directing me.

I returned to the "safety" of the merchandise table and my friend, visibly shaken and a bit wigged out.  I told her what was happening, for I trust her and know she won't make fun of me or judge me on these things I can't explain.  I told her what I was receiving and she turned white and almost started crying, saying, "You don't know, do you?"  "Know what girly?" "........." (what she shared, that I'm holding privately for this blog).  No, I didn't.  Immediately I wanted to throw up.  She told me that she and this artist were Facebook friends and that's how she knew.  She was so shaken she needed a drink and couldn't walk to the bar to get it and I was so shaken I wanted to leave as fast as humanly possible.  I also "knew" that I needed to in some way push myself past my "stranger danger" zone and tell this person I did not know what was happening.  I was terrified.  

I found myself making a very difficult decision.  Next thing I know, they're tearing down their merchandise table and packing up and the person in question is standing next to me, taking on that table to connect with their new fans.  What to do?  What to do?  What to do Nita?  I pulled out my notepad for work and flipped it over and started writing, hand shaking.  Upon finishing the same, I walked over and gave it to him, apologizing that I had to leave, and instructing him not to read it until he left the venue.  I then bolted.  I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friend.  I sat in my car for about a half hour trying to get my energy under control enough to leave, telling the energy on the other side to let off enough to let me do what I needed to do to get home.

I went home and that energy stayed with me all weekend.  We talked some (that energy and I) and I promised to leave a door open.  Within 3 days, I was awoken just before 3am by that energy, to then hear my phone notifications going off.  There he was, that artist, reaching back.  There I was, wide awake, responding.  Time would pass and exchanges would happen.  I then understood.  I got out of my own way, my own fears, my own self inflicted boundaries and "made the jump."  I'm not sure if I would ever do so without a mutual friend (virtual or otherwise) there to build a bridge of encouragement, but I'm grateful that I did so this one time on a warm summer night in June of 2015.  

Not only have I met someone that's part of the extended tribe now (thanks Thomas and David, you're both making me smile big between this one and the last one), I've discovered another rare God given talented artist that's come here to heal and change lives with their gifts.  Someone who needed me in their path that night as much as I needed that exercise in trusting and letting go.  The music is just a blissful bonus that's "here by design" to enjoy and make me smile.

I'm sharing this story because I want you to know what's possible.  To know that your nudges and inspired thoughts are there for a reason. TRUST THEM.  PLEASE.  Listen to them and act upon them.  Don't question the why, how or what.  Just act.  The Universe is doing its thing and we're just all a part of it all on this spinning place we call home (for now).  I know I've said this a few dozen times over, but our inspired actions change lives.  We might not get to see it, but know it's true.  Just consider it a blessing when someone allows you to see a glimpse of what comes from it after the fact.  We're all pulled towards people, places, things and opportunities.  We just sometimes get so caught up in what "we want" that we don't listen to what "the Universe wants."  I've come to think that when we do we're really just following our own intentions and manifestations, as well as being tools used in other people's intentions and manifestations.  

One thing I've learned since losing Thomas is that we must trust the "pulls" in life.  That when we recognize another from "beyond here" that there's work to do.  God/the Universe is good, all the time.  Listen.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.      

Time, Acceptance & The Resistance Within

It's been said that time heals all wounds.  Really?  Time?  That illusion we create in this three dimensional living?  That idea that we cling to, organizing our moments in form?  No, really, time? Yes, time they say.  Well, I call bullshit.  Yes, yes I do.  

You know what really heals wounds?  Acceptance.  I'm not talking about "oh, it's okay that so and so did this" or "oh, it's not a big deal that I did whatever to whomever."  That's not what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about the kind of acceptance that's so deep rooted in one's psyche that it's really a form of peace.  A way of living.  A decision to allow that which has happened (or hasn't happened) a way to just be.  A way of separating our self worth from the experiences that grow us and a way of knowing.  

When we accept what is in our lives, we tend not to stay stranded in resistance.  We are then open to the process of healing.  When we accept that our circumstances and the people in our lives are there as teachers and mirrors, all that we endure changes its influence upon us.  When we understand that life is a series of experiences and lessons, we tend to be more forgiving of the process and in turn, of ourselves.  

Acceptance doesn't mean that we get to play victim.  It means that we're in tune with what's going on.  It's a way of allowing.  A way of opening ourselves up to what's next.  Not accepting is nothing more than a game of endless ping pong.  A back and forth in the struggle.  A game we play to torment ourselves.  Seriously, stop that behavior.  Be still.  Listen to what's going on inside of yourself.  Pay attention to where your mind races off to.  Does it feel good?  Probably not.  Whala, your first sign post along the way is that icky feeling.  Pay close attention to it.  Wake up.  

Now you have the power to change it.  Whatever is holding you in bondage, whatever "could of, should of, and would ofs" you're navigating, allow yourself this day to set it aside.  Just ask yourself, is this true?  Does this define me?  What do thinking these thoughts create in my life?  Am I working towards peace or am I working towards self torment?  

I'll be the first to tell you that we are indeed our own worst enemies.  I am also here to tell you that we are in kind our own best saviors.  Now, before everyone who has an alignment with a certain belief system gets their knickers in a bunch, I'm not slighting or condemning your belief system.  I'm just reminding all whose eyes meet this page that the answers are inside of you.  The peace you want, the transcendence you desire, it's all right there, locked below the struggle.  All you have to do is accept.

Remember, acceptance isn't about allowing pain and suffering into your life.  It's simply about letting go.  You're the one pulling the puppet strings of your own life and I think now is a good time as any to rewrite your play.  I believe in you.  Trust in the process.  It's all for your greater good.  Remember this, I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

   

Owning One's Truth - The Way

Abusive personalities, it's not a subject I've touched on much here before.  At the moment however I'm feeling compelled to share some things at the urging of spirit. Thoughts inspired from conversations with friends and family that happened during the summer of 2013.

First, a little background though.

I was raised by a controlling personality, one whom I would say is abusive at times.  I watched the father I love mentally and physically abuse my mother.  She found the wisdom and courage to leave him when I was ten years old.  To this day, as many wonderful and positive things there are to be said about my father, he still wishes to control every inch of my 39 years here of living.  It's just who he is and he doesn't want to change.  With my own age and experience has come wisdom. Wisdom to see him for who he is and understanding to know that those insecurities aren't a reflection of me or any of the people in his life whom he tries to control.

I've learned so much from observing and being around controlling and abusive people in general.  I spent a few decades loving a controlling personality and at one point marrying him and saving his daughter from the depths of her mother's hell.  I settled and subjugated in this relationship.  I tried so hard to be a light in a dark world that I lost some of my own luster.  I sacrificed the unsacrificeable.  I learned what not to be and do.  In the end though I woke up.  I remembered who I was before the darkness of his world.  I left and I am better for all of it, for now knowing what I did not know then.  I learned that I don't have to repeat the past to heal it, that I can create a new direction and make different choices.

So, now that you understand my background on the subject, here is what I wanted to share.

Don't Use Each Other

I've learned that people do not have to be in relationships to "use each other."  My father tries to say otherwise, that everyone uses everyone.  No one should ever be in a relationship based on need.  Each of us should learn how to be self sufficient.  Is it easy to keep up with an acre property and modest home by myself on an income that isn't what is used to be prior to the recession and layoffs?  No.  Are those reasons to date someone, look to be in a relationship, or move someone in?  Hell no.

When I worked in domestic relations law, I saw it all too often, people married and getting divorced because everything they built the relationship on was need versus want.  They needed a roof over their head.  They needed a baby mommy or daddy.  They needed to feel secure in themselves.  They needed a checkbook to live off of.  Each couple that came together out of need didn't last because eventually one person or the other realized that the need wasn't going to be filled by the other half, that the need actually required self care and fulfillment.  Don't get me wrong though, most of them left pointing fingers at each other verses looking within to realize the problem was inside all along, that they came into the relationship based on need versus want to begin with exited based on need as well.

Don't Get Jealous

I've learned that jealousy is fruitless and that those who accuse others of misconduct are often the ones misconducting their behaviors.  When you're with someone, you either trust them or you don't.  If you can't trust them, you have zero business sharing a life with them.  Don't even think about trying to cohabitate in a home where you raise children together.  Your children after all are learning everything you're doing and not just saying.  Mommy and daddy can't really love each other in a healthy way if they're reading each other's emails and text messages behind each others backs now can they?  What does that teach your kids? It teaches them that it's okay to settle and to be with someone you don't trust.  It teaches them anxiety and how to manage bad choices too.

Start With Truth

I've learned that respect starts with truth.  If you can't share a space with someone or have a friendship that's rooted in truth, what's the point?  Does one have to be a mean or brutal with the truth?  No, you can be truthful and tactful.  You can be truthful and loving.  That's what true love is anyway, the ability to be one's self 100% honestly and openly and be appreciated and respected.

Be Respected

I've learned that anyone who would ever try and separate you from those who love you and from whom you love is simply trying to dominate a larger presence in your life.  That's not healthy either and it's simply another form of control.  Often controlling abusive personalities try to manipulate you into believing their way, urge you to question your own and do things rooted in a lack of security versus an abundance of belief.  The sooner you see those manipulations for what they are, the sooner life can get better and you can be free.

Choose You

Most of all, I've learned that in the end we make the choices.  We decide when enough is enough and we are the ones who must make the effort to turn the page.  Life is too damn short, precious and fleeting to waste time on things that aren't serving our higher good.  Cut the cord.  Live.  You may just find that all the hell was worth it in the end because it makes the here and now of making healthy choices that much sweeter.

In closing, to every woman and man I've ever loved who has had the courage to make healthy choices, I commend you.  It isn't always easy but you are proof that it can be done.  Namaste.

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

Meanwhile, a Sweet Angel Needs Us

2011

While in the midst of processing Dave's funeral services my 39th birthday weekend/father's 80th birthday weekend, I was also processing the declining health of my cousin Amy's daughter Kaylee.  Her short six years here with us have been a neverending struggle as a Stage 4 warrior of Cystic Fibrosis.  Amy is the granddaughter of the Lucille and Clifford Long, brother of the woman who helped to raise my dad, Elsie Hinson.  Clifford and my dad grew up together in Cerro Gordo, North Carolina.  I was born when my parents took a last minute trip in my mom's pregnancy to Cerro Gordo to visit relatives.  I came two months early and was born in Whiteville. Today I hear there's some piece of writing my mom did in calligraphy still on the walls of the maternity ward at their new facility.  I'm sad to say I haven't seen it though.  It's on my list for my next extended visit.

Amy Long was one of my best friends growing up.  I so looked forward to visits to the farm to hang out with her, Erin Fowler and Angie Norris.  We'd run dirt roads in bare feet on hot summer days, shuck corn on the side porch, drive "momma's car" up and down the dirt road when older between residences to fetch each other or things our older relatives needed.  We'd bunker down during storms in the unused room in Elsie's house that no one ever went in that had the organ in it, tell stories and laugh until we hurt.  We'd walk to Mary's store for treats whenever the weather was right.  When I started driving, we'd make loops through Whiteville cruising when I would visit and shop at the Family Dollar in Chadburn (I think it was Family Dollar).

Amy (Robin behind her) on the family property.  I was always taking photos.

Amy was always a tough girl. She weathered life's storms and her childhood.  When "momma" passed, she mourned Lucille as if she'd been her momma because their bond was that strong.  To this day she still aches for her.  Amy herself became a mom early on in life with Brooke and then expanded her family close to a decade later when Kaylee joined them.  From day one Kaylee had obstacles with her health but Amy never complained or asked anyone for anything.  She just soldiered on as she always has.

I'd been married and divorced, had my own family, moved a few times to a few states.  I had not seen her for over 15 years when we finally visited briefly in September of 2012 after a house fire wherein they'd lost everything, including the family dog.  Gratefully, they weren't home for that.  I always wish to be there with them, to see their kids growing up, to make dinner and just be grown ups around each other. They are my family and life hasn't been the same without them in the years I have been away from visiting.

Fast forward to this winter and Kaylee's health began to deteriorate.  Thanks to social media I'd been able to keep up with my family down there in a way that was time conducive to Amy who rarely has a moment to herself these days. The new year started out very scary for them.  Hospitalized with 30% lung function and N1H1 was horrific for Kaylee.  As it stands right now, Kaylee's medications are causing allergies, she's not getting results from them and her lung function is not improving. Her doctors aren't pleased and they're concerned.  That in and of itself is enough to scare any parent.  No wonder they're both "out of brave."  In fact, it was the brave dialogue that made me ill to my stomach wanting to do more for them.

    

Again, my cousin asks for nothing. Her only quests in life are to be successful, to provide for her children, to have them with her healthy and whole, and to be a good mom and nurse.  She's a simple soul.  She knows what matters and what's important.  Kaylee's dad helps to support his family and thanks to him, they haven't lost everything yet.  Yet is the hard word to accept.  Amy can't work when she's caring for Kaylee.  They're not together and he works out of the area as most do in Columbus County.  That's just how it is in that area of the country for employment.  Many leave those they love to be able to care for them and provide basic needs.  Darrell is doing his best to try and make sure Amy doesn't lose everything, more than he's required to do for Kaylee as well.  Amy's income alone dropped 75% from 2012 to 2013 just because Kaylee was sick.  Yet they all carry on and you'd never know they've endured so much by just looking at them.

Kaylee & Momma

Amy, when Kaylee is healthy, works full-time in Urgent Care and goes to school to further her medical education.  She's never stagnate.  When Kaylee isn't well, she doesn't have a moment to breathe sometimes. Most days are run around trying to work, medical appointments, school and parenting.  She does as we all do, she goes forth into the world, smiles and pushes on for her family.  Amy doesn't put herself out there and she doesn't talk about her problems unless you ask or you're family that she's comfortable with.  Amy is one of the sweetest and most hard working people I know.  If I myself had full-time income right now, I'd be down there at least one weekend a month just being around to spread sunshine and do for them.  Go to the store, sit with them, make them laugh, give them good memories together, let her rest, etc.

January 2011, a prior hard winter in the hospital

I'm not though and because of that, when my heart dropped reading those words about bravery, I knew I had to do something.  ANYTHING.  I reached out online to my own family and friends on my private Facebook.  I asked Amy if I could go public with what was going on though, if I could seek information about survivors, what worked for them, what's working in care for pediatrics, who can help be a light, lighten the load, etc.  She was open to every person who wants to bless them.  A prayer.  A kind word.  A sweet gesture.  A survivor story.  A reminder to be hopeful.  A blessing.  Whatever God puts on a persons heart you know, just as it was put on my heart to have her cloaked in love not facing this alone.

January 10, 2014 being admitted to isolation and pushing through

So, I did what I knew how to do.  I created a Facebook community page to encourage them and surround them in love.  In a week, 800 beautiful souls have joined as one to do this work of Healing for Kaylee Meares. I'm in utter awe and have fallen in love all over again with my hometown.  Fire departments, sheriff's office personnel, moms, dads, pastors, medical personnel, realtors, and the like have come together to carry them through and Kaylee reads every word of it.  This sweet, sweet angel wanted to know all of their names so that she could pray for them too.  Amy, you've done good girl.  So, so good.

Brooke & Kaylee

Brooke is an amazing sister too.  She's your normal teenage girl with a tough upbringing.  She's been taking on as much as she can to help and be a light to her mom when she's not stressing about the situation with her sister and trying to remember to be a teenager with her friends.  She goes out and has a good time but by no means is her life easy.  She worries for her mom, something no teenager needs to do.  Teen girl life is hard enough.  She tries to never complain.  Indeed Amy, you've done really well girl with them both.

Brooke & Kaylee

This Valentine's Day, think of them and send them some love.  If you want to join her community on Facebook, follow the links herein.  One can never have too much love to see them through.  Remember that.  I love you.

https://www.facebook.com/HealKayleeMeares

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Following One's Way - The Philosopher

Image courtesy of Joy Lorien, taken on Skyline Drive (Dave loved the beauty of it.)

"I am a guy who has spent his whole life trying to understand why I am here and what it is I am supposed to do.  I love to have philosophical dialogue and to laugh.  I have had difficulties with all sorts of things but expressing myself through the English language is not one of them.  I also love to tell Stories.
 Therefore, I am a writer." 

- Socrates H. Dillinger 

The first time I saw David Trefry aka "Socrates H. Dillinger," he was on a skateboard in a cul de sac in Newington Forest hanging out with his tribe of brothers.  Friendships that span over 35 years today.  I'd recently moved to Lorton with my mom into the neighboring subdivision. Between my community and his there were woods and bike trails connecting them.  While we attended separate elementary schools, we did attend the same middle school through graduation.  At Hayfield Secondary he graduated in 1992, a year ahead of my class.  The class of 1992 was extremely close for 300+ graduating students.  To this day, they each continue to be instrumental in each others lives in the same circles that they traveled during their high school years.  Their experiences have netted some beautiful life long relationships.  

Dave, #27 (his birthday), he was so adamant to have that number, bottom right

As we both entered high school, the only thing that connected us was our overlapping circle of friends. As adults we enjoyed our shared memories of the self built skate ramps off the wooded trails, summer days and nights at a place called Big Rock, and the late summer nights roaming the neighborhoods from one's friend home to another.  

"The Universe" aka "The

Deri & Dave

Universal," as Tref loved to call it, had been good to him there. Growing up in Newington was a pretty idyllic childhood for suburban America.  I'm grateful to have called it home (thanks Mom!).  Our communities were made for families and rambunctious groups of kids.  We had acres of woods and trails to explore, playgrounds, and miles of sidewalks and pavement to ride on.  Certain kids (wink, wink) were even known to scale Newington Forest Elementary School's roof and flagpole.  Doing those and many other things that now as parents we turn green just thinking about our own kids doing.  Oh yes, the many adventures of the Newington Knights of the Forest.    

Tref and his tribe on the metro, 4th of July, 1990. 

Tref grew up inciting many a laugh with his friends, most of which will gather to celebrate his life this week. The stories I have heard over the years from them (and himself) are told with such large smiles, belly laughs and happy voices.  How great it is to be able to say that you shared that part of your life with him. While he has left us here to continue our work, we at least know he's in good company with a fellow Hawk who passed just over a year ago. They were able to reconnect and catch up with each other for a time before she left us.  They enjoyed their memories of being each other's first loves.  When he attended Rebekah's funeral, he told me that he was going to smile because it's what she would want him to do.  Are you listening my fellow Hawks?  In the pain of losing him, we too have to follow his lead and smile.  It is what he would want us to do.

Strayer, Tref, Scott & Bryce

As for the the post high-school Tref, he weaved in and out of my life through the years.  We'd run into each other at local haunts such as Bennigan's as well as at various friend's home, and at concerts and festivals.  Ah yes, to be in one's early twenties again.  We were all so lucky to be in the DC area at that time.  Music was as large a passion for him as writing. He could talk forever and a day about both subjects and never have the same discussion twice.  It's part of what was so beautiful about him, the way his mind worked and the words formulated.  It was actually our shared loved of words that would eventually be the foundation of our friendship.

Facebook and my own prior writing here opened a dialogue for us to connect at a different level and to share our collective ideas about consciousness, life and being.  Anyone who knew Tref has shared in a philosophical conversation with him.  It's just who he was, absorbing as much information as he could about life, evolution of self and being.  Then his neverending quest was to try and quantify it all as quickly as time would allow.  He was always one for getting to the heart and truth of things NOW.  There simply was no time to waste. 

Anyone who is artistic in their expressions understands that we aren't necessarily the easiest people to ascertain at times.  We are passionate and deeply committed to that which we are called to express.  So much so that we can be rather intense people at times.   That wasn't the case though with Tref.  He had no problem articulating what he was thinking, feeling and experiencing.  He loved sharing all of it with anyone who could keep up to his evolving thoughts.  

Once he joined Facebook (and later left), our conversations never really ceased.  There was always something to mull over, discuss and share from the tempo of life.  Add to those conversations our shared love of music, and well, our friendship was a gift these last three years.  When he wanted to start blogging, I shared everything I knew from my own learning curve.  When I was excited about something that flowed through me via written channeling, he was always there to give feedback and discussion on it.  When writers block struck, he'd reach out for resolutionary tips.  When I was rebuilding my life and creating a new existence, he was always there with an encouraging or kind word reminding me of who he saw.  In essence, he was a part of my healing and I will always be grateful for that.

Best of all, he always shared truth. The truth was of the utmost importance to him.  He said, "I am not one for shallow, superficial talk.  I see only to get to the actual nature of things.  TRUTH. The problem is that, once you break through the illusion, there is no going back."   What in the end became of our friendship was a beautiful exchange of knowledge, wisdom, inspiration and TRUTH.  It is as if we were both teaching each other as we went along.  The lessons were priceless.

Tref had a wonderful way of reminding you who you really were, of making sure you understood just how special your place in this world was.  He said, "We are all beautiful, we just have to believe it."  He loved every single person who touched his life.  He never lacked gratitude for the knowledge that was given to him from The Universe either.  Even as he struggled with his health this summer and upcoming operation this winter, he saw himself as one of "God's Warriors."  He did his best to stay positive given the same and continued to try and be a part of Knowing simply by being a conduit of information to me when he could.

In fact, the last book recommendation from me to him by way of Inspired Thought was on the topic of the soul, of our eternal validity. This was just before his surgery.  Tref never stopped looking for why he was here and what he was supposed to do.  I believe I know why he was here and I hope that those of you who knew and loved him would agree.  He was here to make us laugh and to make us think. He was here to give us the memories we hold near and dear.  He was here to share the truths (Universal Knowledge) he was awakened to and he was here to remind us of why every single precious moment counts. Thank you Tref.  I'm still listening my friend.  We love you.

Bill (brother), Patricia (mom), and Dave

"A friend is a second self." 

- Aristotle 

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Removing the Mask

In the midst of mourning Thomas, the Holidays and the New Year, many awe inspiring moments happened. Before delving into the most magical of all moments thus far that happened this past week, here's a bullet list of sorts of what has been rocking my world lately.

• Thomas Grant IV making appearances from the other side by way of moved objects and documented orbs
• Another entity from the other side making repeated appearances seeking a connection to someone they care for (basically continually nudging on me to reach out but having zero here and now knowledge as to why until after the fact)
• Getting "downloads" of information about people I know and having that information validated within hours to days versus months or years as was prior in these experiences
• Various visual and auditory phenomenon 

To say it's been a wild ride would be a serious understatement.  Being open is one thing in life.  Being open and having a slew of things come in at once and turn life up a notch is entirely another.  Now that you have an understanding as to what's been going on with that side of my life, you can better appreciate what came next.

A phone call.  An overdue catching up with a dear friend I've shared with you before. Someone I've had the pleasure to get to know better the past few years from my soccer and school girl days.  Someone I've watched blossom from afar and transform their life from existing and self medicating to full force let your light shine living.  The woman she was on that call this week created a reaction in me that I truly didn't see coming.  I was smiling from ear to ear listening, eyes welled up with joy and tears of love and relief flowing.  

My friend has removed the mask and behind it is one of the most humble, ego free, love one another and be a light to others people I've ever met.  In fact, the light within her that's expanding is doing so in such a way that I believe this entire transformation is modifying the trajectory of her life.  There was a peacefulness in her being that was undeniable.  Her words and thoughts flowed from her higher self.  It was without a doubt the most impactful moment in my life that can be connected to this blog.  You see, it was this part of my life that connected us to begin with.  Without Knowing, there wouldn't of been the friendship.

What did I learn from that call?  What rocked my world so hard?  Two things:  Reciprocation does exist and affirmation.  

Affirmation that I know what I know and I don't need to be weary of it or disregarding of it.  I don't even have to label it.  It just is.  I'm not a medium.  I'm not a psychic.  I'm not a fortune teller.  What I am is a highly tuned in metaphysical misfit who is an intuitive channel of information for others.  By crossing the abyss and acting on inspired thoughts, a chain of events happened that eventually changed her life forever.  I knew as soon as I hung up the phone that I simply don't need to pay any more energy to thoughts of wondering what others may or may not think of these things I "know" but can't explain how I know them.  Those days are over and they are behind me.  The next chapter is here and I'm accepting it for what it is, even if each day it blows my mind just a little bit more.

Her call reminded me that what we pour into others is in turn is poured into us.  My friend, one of my most vocal Knowing (The Blog) cheerleaders (why aren't you doing something more with this, public speaking, YouTube, coaching, seminars, etc.) whom I gave every bit of my own light these past few years reflected it right back onto me from her evolved self.  What started as a phone call from her for help and a compassionate ear so long ago has now birthed itself into something far greater than either of us could ever have imagined.  

My friend is affirmation that people can do hard things.  That we can face our darkest moments and decide to shine anyway.  That we're human and fallible.  That within that fallibility there is beauty, grace and hope. Thank you for taking off your mask sweet girl. You didn't know it at the time, but your very transformation and evolution removed mine too.  I love you.

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.