The Next Chapter - The Not Knowing

7.25.21 - Accidently didn't hit publish...

 As time has passed and I've grown into this next chapter of life that I didn't document for this community, I've come to a place of acceptance that my expectations for what I expected of myself the last decade at Knowing and what birthed from the same are bigger than you or I.

Long before Knowing and Whole & Balanced Living, I was keeping a private blog with link only access. A blog I've been recently instructed to return to for review, as I do the sacred work of healing trauma around my father's passing Christmas Day, 2020.

Before I had the name for the 5 Claires life. Before I had the name for Lipedema, the genetic mess I deal with and have been dealing with since puberty. Before I knew that spirit and all that is or ever will be for us humans affirmed that we never really die. Before I reclaimed my worth and unapologetically started following my pulls, downloads and nudges. 

With ownership of all of the above comes vulnerability. Allowing people in who know, who see the shift in my energies and eyes when I'm not at the wheel, an exercise in trust.

Nothing hurt more over the years that having someone you love and trusted, embraced, who supposedly accepted it all, turn and run from it all. When someone who's all in starts questioning and calling you crazy. When they're injecting dark beliefs and dark thoughts into the light. 

My softer side really wishes things could be as they were with that person, versus fear and mental health struggles taking them away from what we were building that was bigger than either of us. I even still pray and send this person reiki love, protection and healing energies. 

Nonetheless, as I heal what happened the last few years that I had no control over, I am remembering who I was and who I am today, beyond the limiting thoughts or belief systems came to rest in my being here and there along the journey.

I'm grateful for what today holds. For the light in the darkness. For the knowing. For the 5 Claires life. For having a vision, purpose and calling.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my dots along the journey that have brought wisdom, passion, and love into my life. I love my tribe and my life by design people. 

Life "After" a Global Crisis

Here we are, humanity, trying to makes heads or tails of the craziest year and a half most of us can remember. 

Did this bring us together, or tear us apart? Did the loss of life, income and opportunity make you bitter or push you out of your comfort zones? 

Are you still suffering? It feels as if most of the planet still is, and that we're really no better off than we were when the news broke. 

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. All I do know is that we have to put ourselves first. We have to take care of our health, our bodies, those things within our control, as best we can. 

We have to let go of people who are toxic and who bring harm in hard times. In the same breath, we need to know the difference between intentional harm and harm as a result of mental distress. There are many good eggs out there who are spiraling through this mess and that spiral looks and feels like something it really isn't if you take the time to see past the rants and look at the person behind them. 

The world is at its highest recorded numbers of mental illness, suicide and addiction use. Keep this in mind when you're operating out in the world. If you have love to give, radiate it. If you need love, ask for it. We're all still in this together, whether we like it or not.

Triggers - Feelings Vs Fear

Every story in our head can be rewritten. In life, each moment we are breathing, it's another chance to course correct.

Negative emotions, so many of us, we run from them. We hide behind food, alcohol, pills, etc. We run in fear from feeling. We don't have to live on that vibration though. We can chart a different way of deliberate intent. We can co-create anything we get into alignment with.

The key to getting there though, it's the feeling. The feeling is what sets us free. Don't be afraid to feel. To navigate it. To grow through it. Our feelings create our life because they send out our belief system into the Universe. The best part of feeling, is owning it. Of allowing it to just be as it is. Once we know what doesn't feel good, we can get about the business of creating what feels right. Trust and believe, it can all serve your greater good. If you let it. FEEL.

Remember that. I love you.
🙏📿☮️💫💙📚📼💽🔊

Dots Along The Journey

Life, it's never dull around here. I have a father in the throws of dementia and fading away, most days not even knowing who I am, or how much he loves me. A mom who lives in the opposite direction travel wise, not feeling herself, in and out doctors and hospitals, afraid of what's ahead for both of us. Afraid of being a burden. Oh the lies we tell ourselves when we are vulnerable. Family, love, it's NEVER A BURDEN.

Yet, despite these consuming life stresses, and having my entire world turned upside down about 90 days ago as it pertains to best friends and my volunteer/work life, I can see the dots.

I now see how one of my closest cheerleaders on this Lipedema healing journey, since I learned its name in 2012, how her betrayal and mean girl behaviors pushed me to own my truths, and to move away from that which wasn't healthy for me. How the most painful experiences were catalysts for change.

What wasn't making me happy, had to go. She wasn't making me happy. My volunteer work for another wasn't making me happy either. Not owning my truths, those truths, was making me uneasy, and unwell. In the end, she set me free.

Reciprocal relationships, those make me happy. Healthy, that makes me happy too. Thriving, now that makes me the happiest. It was time my day-to-day relationships evolved in alignment with my body, and my healing.

You see, you tolerate a lot of bad behaviors from people when you don't have a grasp on your own self worth, when you are unwell. I swore when I found the courage to leave my ex-husband who was verbally abusive (over 8 years ago), that I would not repeat patterns of the past. That I would take however much time I needed to heal from that. I honestly thought I had done so.

Thing is, I hadn't. Even with continued therapy. Not completely. The events of June showed me that truth.

I found myself instead around, and in love with, narcissistic personalities. Supposed friends who had no follow through to ever really treat me the way I treat people. Both persons showed their true colors when my back acted up in February. Those March ripples broke shore as violent waves come June. By July, I was done. Shattered, and ready to move forward, drama free, healthy, whole, and at peace. 

So, that brings us to today. And, today is freedom.

Yesterday, I did a damn thing. I allowed myself to be filmed, talking about this fucking disease Lipedema and all that it has done to me, and made me, in the last 30 years. 30 YEARS. 30 YEARS!!!!

I was vulnerable. I was raw. I hid nothing. I owned it all.  Every mistake.  Every lesson. This is me. Beautiful, fragile, and once broken by Lipedema, me. An hour of showing, educating, and just being unapologeticly, me. I laughed. I cried. It was, without a doubt, an exercise in expansion. The hardest and best thing I have done yet since knowing its name.

I know that I own this disease now, that it doesn't own me anymore. I also know that if we never give up, the dots will connect. We will get to eventually see what's being drawn before us.

We get so hung up in the how. We really have to remember to just trust in the process, trust in the pulls. I started going public two years ago, and became intentional 90 days ago. Had I not done those things, been fearless, owned its name, I would not of just had the opportunity I had.

The people who hurt me, the mean girl who used to comment on every transformation photo, who wanted me to get made up, dress nice, and GET THE GUY, she in turn gave me the best parting gift in her wake of damage and betrayal. A reminder of my self worth. A reminder that, as my grandma Irene once said, WE ARE THE DREAM.

That gift allowed me to be who I was yesterday, talking about Lipedema, just not giving a fuck, and being fearless. Those painful experiences with her equalled a resolve and peace I had forgotten I could procure.

Jealousy and addiction does crazy things to people. Love them anyway, just from afar. After all, they're struggling and evolving just like the rest of us.

Then, it hit me hard, thinking about it all, the dots to be able to even handle yesterday. Like an avalanche, as my stomach was turning in nervousness yesterday morning, it all came full circle. If I was losing my mind the last week reliving 30 years of the dream and trauma attached to it, sane and sober, how in the world did someone I love ever do it unwell and addicted? Talk about it all coming full circle. About compassion. About, twinning, and timing. Yes, twinning. Oh yeah, I own that too these days. No fear. No regrets.

See, that's the thing about never giving up. You don't get to see the beauty of it all unless you stick and stay long enough.

Please, never give up on your own fights. Somewhere along the way you're connecting someone else's dots, just as someone else is connecting yours. Remember that, I love you.

You deserve to be well, too. 

The Skip

I have a friend who genuinely tries to let me in. This person is someone with whom I have a reciprocal friendship with. The kind of friend, who randomly thinks about you, and picks up their phone to see if you have responded to their last text. The kind of friend, who no matter how hectic life gets, reaches out to ask how you are, and actually waits to hear the answer; and, the kind of friend who reaches out again, when time has passed, and there isn't a reply.

I call these friends my lifers. They're around me by design, co-creating lives, and sharing in the human experience. They're committed to us by a force that's far more determined than shear human choice. It's as if there isn't a choice. It just is, and that's that. There's no other story to be written, they're in our lives "by design."

I like to consider myself an open book as well. Anyone close to me, within that tribe of people, can connect with me. Yet, despite that proclamation, I skip with this one friend who genuinely tries to let me in. Meaning, I do this annoying thing of not answering the inquiry with this particular friend.  So much so it became down right annoying for both of us, and I had to figure out why I wasn't being my normal self.

I skipped to be a shield.  

At first, I would do it because I was trying to protect this kindrid spirit from any additional details of my life. We all have been there, when our own life is already so discombobulated that we simply can't absorb that which is being told to us. And, we sure as hell have no business taking it on. But, we do it anyway, because we love those in our tribe.

Then, I skipped to avoid retelling. 

Life has become challenging remembering all of the important lessons my grandfather's passing taught me. Lessons I must remember now as I walk my own father down familiar paths. Between the PTSD of those events a few short years ago, and this marathon of loss we have been running since, it's deflating. I can tell my lifer in TX. I can tell my childhood neighbor over a phone call. Yet, I was skipping in one relationship, and not allowing this person in who wants to be there.

Then, I was skipping because I wasn't the one who normally seeks comfort, wisdom, or laughter. I was Superwoman (not my words), the one everyone else goes to. But, if one person is so much to so many, then who gets to be that person's comfort, wisdom, and laughter? Basically, who is Superwoman/Superman in Superwoman's life? Welllllp, mine are already deceased/home (gulp), or on their way home (sigh). Then it hit me. Like a brick.

Finally, I realized what was really going on! I was continuing to skip because I have walls up.  I was skipping to avoid an intimacy and vulnerability that simply put, just felt different. I was skipping to avoid a pull and energy I hadn't felt so fiercely since 8th grade science hallway walk on the way to shop class.  Each day that I skip, that I keep the wall up, I am avoiding.

Life is too short damn short for avoiding. Enough.

I am working to bring down my walls, one brick at a time. Oh, and there's a cracked foundation I am rebuilding too. I've spent the last 8 years diligently rediscovering myself, and making peace in the pain of the seasons of life.  Change is the one inescapable constant. We flow better through life when we observe those changes, versus reacting to every moment of them.  Healing is a course of direction, and not a destination.  Going forward, I have made a pact with myself to stop skipping. To stop deflecting. To stop putting up boundaries.

One of my dearest friends and teachers Thomas once said, "you can't fight nature." Meaning, we are what we are, and we are a species built to be driven to survive through the bonds of our tribe. He was reminding me of the Universal Wisdom of life, of letting go, and of being in the now. Remember that. I love you.

The Shift

It was December 30, 2009.  I had ended a decade long relationship of love and toxic turmoil earlier that year, with a man I *know* I was tied to in a "way beyond this place" planned life.  My pulls are never wrong, ever. 

Since that time, I've treaded lightly in love, from not allowing myself to get close to "what I know" won't last, to cautiously believing in 2015, that I was on my way to a mutually respectful relationship headed towards a "real" marriage.  Instead, my heart was shattered by a coward.  Which, in the big picture, is OKAY.   Okay because my grandmother taught me, there's no room in a woman's life for a man without a spine to do the right thing.  Add to that the deaths of 2 other men I let into my day-to-day art of living these past 8 years, and well, needless to say, I've stayed single. Purposely single. Healing.

I haven't given up on love, on true partnership, on another pull walking into my life and rocking my world.  Just as I never lost the love I have towards the one I had to walk away from.  I will always love him from afar.  I will always be energetically tied to him.  I can tell you on any given day what mood he is in, or even when he thinks about me.  I will always love and appreciate what I learned in my time with him, raising his daughter as my own, enjoying the healthy days of energy between us, and becoming a strong woman walking away from them both (couldn't take her with me) to a healthier life, one free of his sociopathic, controlling, & narcissistic ways. 

God has a way of allowing us to create peace in any pain. We just have to look for the things to be grateful for in the situation, once removed from it. The 20+ years I spent knowing both the pull and the coward, I believe, laid the foundation, for whatever comes next for me. That one day, I'll have what was good and right about both of them, manifested in someone else. One taught me to trust my pulls. The other taught me that someone can and will love my Lipedema body, love me, accept me, with paranormal activities,  and everything that comes along with being a light, and a healer. That I can be me, 100% in my own skin.  A real partner, a best friend. No walls. No boundaries. Just effortless being. Yes, that's what's ahead. And, I'm happy being solo until I get it! Eight years later, I know my worth.  I hope you know yours. You're priceless. Remember that, I love you.

The Transcendence - Dancing With Denial

I started this blog in April of 2016, and came back to it again in August of 2016.  Today, Easter Sunday, 2017, the day in which I was raised to celebrate as "Resurrection Sunday," seemed as good as any day to resurrect this blog.  While I've been posting KB worthy thoughts and exchanges on my Instagram when they come, as well as carrying forth a couple of posts in the "Inspired Thoughts" album at Knowing's Facebook fan page, I've intentionally been avoiding this specific blog in process, and writing here in general.  It's literally taken me almost an entire year of processing, sifting and sorting to get here.  Not because of the pain of writing it, but because of the connection I have to the person whom inspired its reflections to begin with.  That "knowing" that the person I'm connected to, who was then thousands of miles away pursuing their dreams, was cycling through their own dances with denial and transcendence.  

It's taken this long to allow myself to own these words, unfiltered, and from the heart.  

You see, I grew up surrounded by friends (and lovers) who struggle with addiction.  Notice that's not a past tense statement.  That's because, the struggle never ends; it's a day to day, sometimes moment to moment dance between what one knows to do, versus what one's compelled to do.  I've also had to say goodbye to those who've gone home to the other side, due to the addiction itself, or the lingering effects of damage to the body due to having it.  I think we all have, we all know someone who has been touched by it at that level of loss.

For over 27 years I've been in AA, NA and OA meetings, countless churches, meeting halls in random places, with coffee flowing and smoke hanging from the ceilings.  I've been in the psych wards of hospitals, holding friend's hands, speaking the good word, focusing on the wins and what's beautiful about that suffering soul before me, crumbled and broken, and wanting to die.  

Those 12 step meetings, they were to support those same friends and loved ones.  I've been to Al-Anon too, and I read the Big Book to be in the know, to understand the process that is being sought of them.  To learn how not to be.  To learn healthy boundaries.  As a result of this wide open compassion and acceptance of those who are managing recovery, in adulthood, I'm surrounded by some of the most beautiful people.  People who just so happen to also be managing their addictions, transcending daily their old ways and hurts, and scheduling time to create peace in their lives.

Moms, daughters, fathers, sons, best friends, small business owners, people from every walk of life; no one is immune to it.  Addiction doesn't carefully select whom it's going to intrude upon.  Addiction has no selection process at all.  It just is what it is.  A crap shoot of luck, sometimes propelled by circumstance, genes or psychological make-up.  It certainly isn't something that someone wakes up to, wishing upon themselves one day either.  It's a disease, it's not a choice, and although it drives a lot of undesirable behaviors in people we care for, it's not the "real" person behind the wheel of their life.  

In all my years of loving people for who they really are, I've learned that we don't walk away from that which doesn't serve us, until we're damn ready to do so.  No matter what other people say, no matter how much we dance in denial, we do not budge in a permanent new direction until we've come to peace with the cards we're dealt.  Once we focus on what we have, what we want, and what we are grateful for, life shifts.  Denial isn't just something you flip a switch on, or have a come to Jesus meeting about.  It's a choice.  One so deeply rooted that we often don't even know it's there sometimes.  Thus, the word, DENIAL.  Bottom line, people change when they're ready to change.  No amount of ultimatums, loss, or bitching at them is going to accelerate that.  It won't stay and stick at least.  We have to want the change in order to be able to embrace it.  

So, here we are, being love, and allowing people around us to be who they are, without our judgment.  Just as Jesus would of done.  So we're told at least, and what I adhere to about that story.  That's how we're supposed to be.  We all have crosses to carry on this journey.  Mastering ourselves will always be our greatest call, and our most important challenge.  

I hope that when you're faced with creating healthy boundaries and unconditional love, that you'll remember that beneath the pain before you, is a person.  I hope you'll always remember that within that person is someone who would give anything to shut the pain off, and feel whole, in control, and at peace again.  Try not to shame or hurt those who are hurting.  Remember, people only can do as well as they are in that moment.  There are so many hurt people out there.

Above all, never give up hope.  They might just surprise you.  I've been blessed to watch a few transformations come to pass over the decades.  Even those in the deepest and darkest depths of depression, anxiety, and other types of mental illness have transformed their lives, choosing not to use their addiction as their coping mechanism with the same. I know that what we intend upon, put laser focus towards, and take action upon in our daily calendars, comes to pass.  If it can happen to those I know, it can happen to you.  Let those who have made strides inspire you to find your own.  No two recovery stories are ever the same, and no two people find their way to recovery on the same journey.  But, together, we can all get there.

Just let love lead.  It will see you through.  I'm trusting right along with you.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Connecting the Dots 2.0 - The Teachers & The Students

As Spring has began to turn around the mountains, it's a reminder of the Season's renewal.  A reminder of how we must remain steadfast and hopeful for warmer, brighter days ahead.  Especially when we endure the winters of our lives.

Some friends, as well as myself, have been navigating some circumstances in life that for many, could overturn even the most upright ship.  I have nothing but love and gratitude to those who grace my life with their own struggles, who bare their souls wide open, free from the fear of judgment, to connect and share that which pains them.  I think when we share with each other, we allow each other in. Within that mix of coming and going, we learn how to help one another.  That "tribe" way of living can make even the most painful of experiences peaceful one day.

I've been teaching a lot lately about "the dots"....those moments in life that change our course.  The ones that connect later and we see the picture before us of our lives.  The cause and effects of the journey.  Within the work of teaching, I'm reminded of the lessons in my own dots. 

There's nothing more liberating than being distant from those moments that you once thought defined you.  We get to a place where we just learn to be ourselves.  We make no apologies for being human, flawed, emotional and loving.  We don't care if people don't get us because those who do get us, they're worth our time and attention. We become that which we decide to become. We all have free will here.  Why not pick peace in the pain?

So, here we all are.  Enjoying what we can hold onto that's positive of life.  We're fortunate to even have an opportunity to connect those dots.  Far too many people don't get along far enough in life to do so and even more than that walk around immune to the cause and effect tapestry before them.

To each their own. In my big picture they're not present anyway.  :)

As you go about Spring and renewal, remember your own dots and find gratitude for those moments that were once heartbreakingly disappointing.  Without them, seeds wouldn't of been planted for the come back and transcendence of those obstacles.  All pain has opportunity.  We just need to be willing to be open to it.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Into The Great Wide Open

2016 started in grand memorable fashion, greeting myself, my mom, my son and a friend with one heck of an illness that I picked up during my own December hospitalization.  One that would linger for weeks and place my mom in the hospital for couple of them, including a scary week in ICU.  We're all gratefully on the mend now and digging out from multiple feet of snow thanks to Winter Storm Jonas.

There's something to a big winter storm.  It makes you focus.  You have to be prepared and have a good attitude about it or you'll be miserable during the entire thing.  And guess what, it's not going to change because of your mood so you might as well embrace it.  Being stuck at home for 8 days solo was an interesting test of spirit as well.  Thank goodness for power and all its creature comforts i.e. phone calls with the outside world, texts, the internet.  Being forced to be still however still makes one think. A lot.  Reading is normal around here but there was much more of that happening too.

I know I've written here recently about pushing myself outside of my comfort zones.  Heck, I just let hair dye touch my head after 16 years.  Those who know me well figured hell would be frozen over for that one to happen.  True story.  Look.  My regular hair dresser doesn't do color and laying in that hospital post stroke, I wanted a change and to do stuff I'd thought about but not pulled the trigger on yet in life.  My friend Teresa from high school did a fantastic job giving me something natural and low maintenance.  I couldn't be happier.  Anyone in Northern Virginia can find her at her salon TJ's Hair Studio.  Special thanks to my friend Deri for that awesome hair makeover gift too!  She's only bugged me to do it since we reconnected on Facebook years ago.

Before & After w/ Flash at TJ's Hair Studio - My Pics

After image no flash.  Work and picture by Teresa at TJ's Hair Studio in Alexandria, VA.

While I've made peace with last summer and the lessons it brought, I'll be honest and say I'm also realizing I'm in a transitional place personal life.  There's something about facing your own bumps in the road such as my recent hospitalization and then virus picked up there after when I got home that ravaged my family that makes you look back.  You can't help it being forced to be still.  The mind likes to go where it wants and it's our discernment that determines how amuck it runs.

I can remember thinking how nice it would of been to not facing those obstacles without him, to have that comfort and love.  Him being the one who couldn't even make a phone call when I was sitting in another hospital with my own father one Saturday evening in August.  The one who no longer gets to run his fingers through that hair or receive the "before and after" hair cut day photos by text while at work.  Knowing what I learned in hindsight, I feel as if the Universe was preparing me for the next experiences down the road.  That's what I'm at peace with, the process.  I can see now where that pain of "not having" though in those recent struggles in turn opened me up to one day wanting someone special around again.  Before them, I was content just going without and with human nature, that's not exactly normal.  We're built to be together.

Knowing this, I've been pruning back certain areas in order to make room for new growth.  I have this idea in my head that I need to get the parents situations behind me and my Lipedema (google it, it sucks, but it doesn't define me - well, I'm learning it doesn't) treated before moving forward to allow myself to be open again.  Therein is the problem, I'm playing the "when this happens, then this will be" game and that's just silly.  Life happens.  Pulls happen.  There's never a better time than the present moment.

I'm not stupid though.  I know if I need to have some things in order to not have them cloud the now, that I should wait and do said things before endeavoring to go there.  In the six years since I left Jennifer's father, I've spent more of it alone than with another person.  And that's okay because I knew what needed to happen in my own life to not carry forth the past onto the present.

Lets just say it's safe to say I'm darn careful about who meets my son too.  Two got to that point and I'm bummed in a way it even happened because Tristan then has to learn to navigate loss and more change in his life.  Aspergers and typically the autistic in general don't like change. Hard to believe he's 20 months away from being an adult but yeah, if I can spare him another heartache, I'll continue to keep my personal life and him separated until such time as I know it's worth bringing him into the fold.

Part of doing things undone is staying open.  As such, I've decided to stay open while giving myself 2016 to tidy up where things are in life, especially with a high school graduation on the horizon in 2018, ailing parents and my own calendar keeping me grounded and on the go.  It's not that I can't or I won't, it's just that I'm not procuring. I'm living day in and day out enjoying my surroundings, my people and the memories we're making.  What's rather interesting is that I recently learned that I have a few in my circle who for their own reasons, are basically doing the same thing.  How do you like those apples?  Birds of a feather flock together. Into the great wide open we go.  Wherever the destination, it shall be worth it.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

    

Waking Up - Acts II & Acts III

It started just like any other day.  I woke up, I gave thanks, I resonated on the day at hand and then I worked out.  I had my Juice Plus (which is one of my most favorite hacks in life, no, I don't sell it, but I can get you a link to a few people who do), my unsalted nuts as a snack later and I planted seeds for my business and ate leftover Thai for lunch.  I even made sure I had my cold pressed pineapple juice in the morning to get its wonderful anti-inflammatory properties going.  Yes, when it comes to nourishment, I'm mindful.  Mindful because I have this thing called Lipedema.  Mindful because I'm one of millions of Americans uninsured.  Mindful because cardiovascular problems run in my family, as does diabetes and clot problems with the women.  Mindful because I'm anchored to this world by the most compassionate and quick witted 16 year old boy on the planet.

Then I was tired.  Really, really tired.  I thought to myself that my PMS was kicking my rear this month, that I needed to lay down.  So, I did and laying there, I felt dopey tired.  The kind of tired that hits you when you have to take pain medication or you're going under for surgery.  It was heavy and it was instant.  I slept.  When I woke up, I was on my right side.  Normal.  Man oh man did my arm hurt, as did my face on that side.  I must have pinched a nerve.  Why was I so so, so, so tired though?  Why did I feel like I was coming out of surgery?  Having problems rolling over and sitting up?  Having problems staying awake on the john?  What in the hell is happening to me?  I know, I must have pinched a nerve and my hormones must be out of whack.  I'll go pet the rescue feral and bond with him until I wake up completely and get the feeling back in my face and my arm stops hurting. I could hear him scratching at his door anyway.  

I sat with him, reading my friend's messages to me while asleep.  My arm was so heavy trying to pet him.  It hurt so bad.  I was trying to use it to hit the voice to text button on my phone.  It didn't want to do what I wanted it to do.  I tried to talk, I felt loopy.  I could hear the words in my head but I was talking in slow motion.  I told my friend I felt like a zombie, that something was off, that I'd never felt like this before and I felt drugged.  I eventually actually composed a couple of messages and sent them to her.  I walked into my kitchen and grabbed the house phone from the living room to call a friend in the medical profession as she was getting off work.  We talked.  She was alarmed.  I listened.  Then, the most important thing I did was I acted.  I went to the hospital in town.  I was having a stroke. At 40.

Yes, at 40 years young, I was having a TIA.  One that would leave me with a sore arm, and a novocaine is wearing off cheek that's trying to heal itself to this day.  All tests would show I wasn't at risk.  In fact, I was at lower than average risk.  All those fruits and veggies I love to eat with my sea life and occasional land animals would pay off.  My panels were beautiful and I had no clots anywhere they looked for them.  I don't know what's scarier, knowing you've had a stroke or knowing you've had a stroke but you can't really explain why you've had it and what needs to be done to correct it?  Ummm, yeah.  That was my thought exactly.  Let that sink in for a moment.

Within 48 or so hours, I was home in my bed again, loving on my furbabies and thanking all that is for my place in this world.  Crying over reconnecting with that girl I raised as my own who walked out of our lives.  Moved over my friends and family gathering around to lift me up and see me through it all. Shaken to my very core because......because I knew before it happened that something was coming.  So much so I updated my complimentary estate planning (Will, Advance Medical Directive and Living Will) through my LegalShield provider law firm because I could do so at no cost owning their membership (not to mention I connect others with it and I do have medical bills to pay so if you need help in the USA, let me know).  My finalized documents arrived on Wednesday. I stroked on Thursday.  

I'd heard the whispers in my ears to go on a baby aspirin regimen just because.  I felt the obnoxious pull to get every faucet of my life in order.  I had weird sappy moments of wanting to write letters to every important person in my life "just in case" I didn't get to tell them what they meant to me in this journey (of which I still plan to do except now that urgent NOW is gone).  Anytime I felt like not working out, I felt the pull and kick in the rear to do so and go above and beyond the last round.  I just felt this feeling that something was coming and that I was running out of time.  But here's the thing.  I wasn't worried about it or obsessed about it.  I just had these fleeting thoughts and went about my days, living and enjoying life being of service to others and creating something good for myself and my anchor in this world. 

48 hours grounded me and leveled me.   48 hours woke me up more than I already thought I was awake.  48 hours made me run out of "fucks to give."  Something happens when you think you're young and healthy and the body fires a warning shot.  You're left laying there captive in a hospital analyzing everything behind and ahead of you.  You remember what matters most and what doesn't.

Three things matter in this life.  Connecting with others.  Having stability.  Nurturing ourselves.  As long as we do those three things, we're pretty stress free and content with surviving.  We're actually thriving when we do these things.  Nothing makes me happier than connecting with another human being, whether in friendship, business or in love.  Having a roof over my head and yummy food in the cabinets and fridge that's good for my body and spirit keep me level.  It's been a darn good life, even with all the heartache of loss and changes that come when you grow up and learn to love yourself first. Had that afternoon been my call home, I could of made peace with that, even if I'd of been pissed off to have missed out on the things I have left to do here and the people I have left to love on.  Especially my parents considering their own health problems these last couple of years.  They didn't need that and thankfully, didn't have to deal with such a loss. 

I was high on life and grateful to be in a place to receive so much love.  It's hard for me to allow other people to do for me as I have done for them.  I had to learn to allow people in and to just receive.  I was reminded by a friend in the flow that, "I don't believe it's a consequence that EVERY SINGLE GALAXY is spinning, every planet and star is spinning, every atom is spinning...Hence...What goes around comes around."  I had to allow those whom I've poured into to in turn pour into and do for me.  It was a valuable life lesson for Ms. Independent.  One I'm still doing my best to navigate.  

Then, as I was recovering, I came down with the worst illness/bug I've had in my 40 years of living.  In the middle of the night, I danced with the devil and hit rock bottom in that suffering.  The next morning I was thrown a lifeline by a dear friend calling to check in on me and I picked myself out of the wallows of desperation and into the light of transcendence and surrender.  I was going to get well.  I was going to feel good again.  I was going to live this life.  And most of all, I was going to continue to give thanks to those who are part of my tribe who give me a reason to be here and thrive. 

Tonight, as I pen this draft, I'm on the tail end of that super bug.  I'm focused on healing my mom and son who are now suffering with it, as well as my dear friend who helped me do some driving for my son over the winter break.  I'm a few weeks away from 41 and doing something I love, listening to live music with dear friends, old and new.  My guides and angels are with me.  No matter what comes next, I'm ready.  I'm free.  I carry forward into Act III of this life an overflowing joy and peace at what is and oceans full of hope for what will be.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure they say.  It's true.  Take care of yourselves.  Make right choices.  Find and create joy in your life.  Learn to remove life's stresses and just be.  Stop analyzing what's been or about to be.  Just enjoy the ride and go about the business of connecting, creating stability and nourishing your body, mind and spirit.  The rest is just experience anyway and good or bad, it's all going to serve your greater good.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

The Mirror: Relationships 101 - A Litmus Test

As a survivor of narcissistic, psychopathic and sociopathic abuse, I learned A LOT by screwing up my own life to be able to pound these keys to share the following.  Adding to that decade of wrong choices is two decades of working with clients going through divorces and planning their estates.  Lets just say that I have a very directed point of view about what does and doesn't work in relationships.  

I'm back to this area of life sharing because I have a few friends struggling to stay afloat in the rapids of significant other love.  One is trying to leave a narcissist and sociopath whom they share a child with.  Another is repeating low self worth behaviors with a new abuser.  One has a lazy partner who doesn't know how to covet what he wants and projects his own insecurities upon her.  And another is so desperate to be loved, honored and cherished that they've been blinded by what is versus what they want and actually deserve.  I mean damn, was I just not writing in my last blog about my own journey in remembering and letting go of someone who wasn't there for my greater good?  That's how this life is though.  It brings to the forefront people I love seeking comfort, guidance and advice of things that mirror mine or another's evolution of self.  I get to receive downloads and inspired thoughts for them, who are in effect being used as a tool to teach another person I love, sometimes even myself.

As you embark upon the last two months of this year, I really want you to connect with what's coming through right now for each of you below.  To listen and receive what's pulling on you in your life that deserves your attention.  That way, when we greet 2016, you will have set yourself up for your best year of sorting yet in Life Department Love.  Sit down.  Light some Nag.  Walk on the shore. Absorb what I'm about to say.  Then act damn it.  ACT.  You are far too precious in this world to not know these things and those with children, they are watching and learning what we do.

Ladies and gentlemen, if the person in your life doesn't bring you peace, understanding and grace, they're not there in your life to fix those things in them.  They're there in your life to remind you of what you don't want.  Of what you don't deserve.  Of what you're working towards.  Those of you who know me understand that although I'm not a religious person, that I do love God and take away from the Bible many of its Universal teachings.  One that I've learned to apply in my own life is from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  The one that says...

What I basically do now with everyone allowed personal time with me is to hold them to this standard.  Friends, coworkers, family and lovers; no one is immune from it.  I just replace their name with the word Love and see if the person measures up to be worthy of my efforts, time and attention.  So, ask yourself these hard questions and be open to prune away those not serving your greatest good.  Some will need to be gone for good.  Others you'll need to learn how to put healthy boundaries in place for.  After all, we can't pick new fruit if our hands are full of that which is rotten.

1.  Is he/she patient?

We're not talking the typical Nita wants what she wants, when she wants it, today is for the living, where was I again when patience was given away as a virtue?  We're talking about you and your evolution of self.  Do the people in your life allow for your own personal growth?  Do they stay the course?  Do they know how to wait on God to do his work through you and in you?

2.  Is he/she kind?

Hello! Stop sign!  This is not about when someone wants something from you.  Is the person kind?  To animals.  To others.  To that pain in the ass who just cut them off in traffic when they've already had a crazy stressful day.  How does this person handle stress and the day-to-day art of living?  Are they mean or do they strive to lead with love and be kind?

3.  Is he/she jealous?

We're not talking territorial here.  We're talking flat out lack of self esteem and self worth envy. The not believing or knowing one's worth.  The being driven by fear of loss to not trust with every fiber of your being that this person in your life is there for a reason, and even if that reason doesn't last, their lessons left upon your life will IF YOU ALLOW THEM TO.

4.  Does he/she boast?

Boasting is ego rooted.  It comes from a lack of connection to source.  Of not understanding the laws of intention, attraction and action.  Boasting comes from a lack of sense of self.  Humble people know they have God given talents and can be amusing in their assertions, but when it comes down to it, they won't take credit for what flows through them to help another.  They sow seeds of good deeds not for praise, but for what they're doing.  Simply to be a light.  To do good in the world for another.

5.  Is he/she proud?

This is not about "I met my sales goals last month.  Whoo hoo!" or "Hello my friend, do I not have the best ever magic hands?" or "Mom, I'm on the honor roll again (hint hint, where's my money)."  This is about people who have a lack of self esteem and self worth who build themselves upon being prideful.  They don't get that just being themselves IS ENOUGH.  That being patient, kind and loving is enough.  Again, boasting is rooted in a lack of self worth.  It's a caution sign of sorts in dealing with other people and operates much like jealousy and pride.  All of these things are rooted in fear and lack.

6.  Does he/she easily anger?

While some moodiness is chemical in nature, most is attitude and a lack of regard for others.  A lack of golden rule living in the heat of the moment kind of thing.  Note the word EASILY above.  Is he/she thick skinned?  Can they navigate the world in such a way that little things aren't big things? Anger is a symptom of other issues.  It's a trigger for change needed and a reflection of fear.  Anger is often about control.  Those who anger easily have much personal evolution to work on and remember, it's NOT YOUR ROLE to fix them.  That's between them and God.

7.  Does he/she keep a record of your wrongs?

Oh yes, the laundry list.  You know, that list that comes out each and every time a new issue comes up that needs discussion and growth in.  The record of every mistake you ever made or personality flaw you've ever had with the other person.  Score keeping is rooted in control.  It's a way for a person to feel at home in a victim role.  It's how those with a lack of sense of worth and self navigate their broken world. The opposite is letting go of wrongs, of knowing we're all human and here to fail and make mistakes.  We're not a definition of those mistakes, we're a definition of who we allow ourselves to become in light of them.

8.  Does he/she delight in suffering?

Wallow in negative things?  Hurt other people?  All of which could be considered evil.  My mom has a great saying, "Some people have a need to suffer."  That's their path.  Not mine.  Not yours.  Not your employees.  They just don't know how to survive without creating chaos.  Their entire identity is about the struggle or their victimhood.

9.  Does he/she rejoice when truth is spoken?

When the Universal Knowledge of life flows?  When one graciously with love corrects or points out an unsavory behavior?  Or does the person fight you tooth and nail, dancing with denial, projecting their own issues upon you?  None of us like to be corrected.  None of us like to learn that we're hurting another person.  Denial is a defensive mechanism of learning truth.  Trust me, and look me in the eye when I say this, YOU WILL REPEAT YOUR MISTAKES UNTIL YOU LEARN THE LESSONS IN THEM.  So will others.  This is when we REALLY have to work on our egos to lead with love. To humbly accept another's opinion of where we're going ary and to ask God and our guides for guidance in showing us the truth behind them, including where we can improve as people.

10.  Does he/she protect you?

When you're not on your A game, do they help to guide you?  Does the person remind you of your hurts so that you don't repeat them?  Do they help you pivot your thoughts to those that are empowering versus damaging to your being?  Do they protect you?  From the world, but mostly from yourself?

11.  Does he/she have unwavering trust in you?

Life is too finite to live it with people who don't trust and believe in you.  We have an obligation to be honest and unfiltered first.  We must own who we are, flaws and all, before we can trust in another.  We must see the beauty in imperfection within ourselves before we can trust it in another.  Once we get this lesson, it's so much easier to sort the people in our lives who trust in us.

12.  Does he/she always have a hopeful attitude?

Are they a positive in your life?  Do they help you to pivot your thoughts away from what some term "evil" which is basically any negative thought that defeats all your glory?  This is where trusting themselves comes in.  If one can trust, it's much easier to be hopeful.  Hope of better days is what gets us going in the darkness of life.  Dark doesn't like light in biblical terms.  Things can't grow in the darkness until they've adapted to do so for millions if not billions of years of evolution.  We're homosapians, not miracle workers.  We grow and thrive in the light.  Hope is light.

13.  Does he/she work to preserve you?

Again, are the people in your life looking out for your greater good?  Do they actually do the work and say the words that preserve what's right and good about you?  Your work ethic.  Your being.  Your example to the world.  Are they for you or are they against you?  Don't settle for anything less than someone who can see right through you and still believe in your highest good.  Someone who treasures what you bring to the table of their life.  Someone who inspires you to save yourself because again, we cannot fix each other.  We just simply get to be part of their toolbox and blueprint going forward.  Know the difference.  God/The Universe help people to fix themselves.  Not us.  Yes, I'm being repetitive.  That's how we learn.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.    

Help (Not) Wanted

Had an interesting turn of events as of late.  A lovely reminder of that which I walked away from so long ago.  Ungrateful people.  A situation arose in my life wherein I offered help, it was initially accepted, and then once it was successful, abruptly disregarded.  All of which was on a voluntary basis and all of which was for the greater good of someone innocent and in dire need.

At first I was appalled.  I was shocked and saddened to see the tides turn so quickly, to see the power trip arise from within another, the person in question being helped.  All I could do was shake my head in disbelief.  No matter how many ways I tried to explain the logic behind what was being accomplished, I was met with ignorance and blatant disregard.  I sort of liken it to someone complaining about their health while waiting in the drive through at their favorite fast food place that they frequent.  It was that ridiculously asinine.  It taught me to remember that, "No Nita, you REALLY can't fix stupid!"  Even when you try repeatedly to educate it and cite various resources for that knowledge.  

So, I had a choice when faced with this idiotic behavior.  Dig my heels in and fight those who were acting out of line, or cut them out and let them go about their lives wondering why they're wasting money on things that aren't working for them.  All the while they're playing victim and complaining to anyone who will listen about the same.  Indeed, you learn very quickly that other people's paths aren't your concern.  Only your own.  Let me repeat that, ONLY YOUR OWN.

You know in your heart and mind what's true and what's lies.  You also know where your intentions lay and what you were trying to accomplish.  We DO NOT control other people, even when we have the best of intentions and knowledge to share.  Everyone here is just bobbing along of their own will and intents.  That's where grace and acceptance come in.  Having the where with all to see what's really going on and being educated enough to just let it go, recognizing that it's not your battle to fight or overcome, is absolutely priceless.  People are who they are; good, bad or indifferent.  Some get drunk on the attention they can get from being of use to another.  Others enjoy making a difference without a stitch of notoriety for their good deeds.  One in all honesty isn't any better than the other.  They're just different.

In the end, our differences are what make us so wonderful.  We learn so much through contrast, experiencing that which we don't want to be, endure or believe in.  I believe in the goodness within all of us and I've seen some amazing people do some beautiful things this past month.  In the end, I learned that no matter how much you try and help those you have an investment in, that they first have to be willing to help themselves.  Without doing so, they never learn; and that's okay.  Not everyone in life is going to be open or ready for the next chapter of their lives.  Nonetheless, that doesn't mean however that you stop writing your own.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

    

The Becoming - 40 Years In The Making

The last couple of months I've been wading into the new normal.  See, when you put forth a positive intention for your life, the Universe meets you where you are and prunes away EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that's not in alignment with that intent.  To some people it's as if you shook a soda bottle up and cracked it open.  Pressure builds and then explodes all over the place, in whatever direction has the least resistance.  Then, there are those who get stuck on the letting go of that which is being pruned away.  Believe me, stuck equals sucks.  No way to sugar coat it, it's a waste of time and energy.  Being focused on what was or who someone once portrayed themselves to be in order to use or manipulate you is a joke.  It won't change what is in the here and now.  It's not going to all of a sudden make them a better person.  It's about self preservation, about letting go of people who just aren't capable of being in alignment with where you're going in life.  

It really IS okay.  I often remind friends that we can't pick good fruit if we're weighted down with bad fruit.  Just no room or energy to procure the new.  Such is life.  In work.  In play.  In love.  In friendships.  No one is in your life experience living it except for you.  This is your play, your orchestration. You get to decide how it's all going to roll itself out.  Even when things, people and circumstances challenge you, we still get to decide how we greet them.  Do we focus and carry on or do we stop and turn back?  Only one direction gets you closer to your best self and your highest self.  

Now, does that mean we won't take the same damn road a few times on this journey?  Ohhhh, hell no.  Some of us are far more stubborn about life. We like to make sure we're doing the wrong thing multiple times before we learn it. No, I'm not joking.  I'm being serious.  Even so, it's all part of the path.  Eventually we crack and we relent and we find a better way.  Then, it's not about how long it took, but who we became in the process.

In January I entered into my 40th year here.  Growing up, I had so many ideas about where I thought I'd be and who I'd be come this milestone.  Some happend, most didn't.  What did happen though is that I realized that I'm right on time and that if I trust and listen a little bit longer, that all the pieces of the puzzle will continue to unite together into one kick ass magnificent work of art that IS MY LIFE.  MY LIFE.  In all of it's hard times, crazy times, fun times, sad times, and peaceful times.  

It's long been said that regret is more painful than just about any other part of life, less grief and loss.  I have a few, most of all that dark day of giving up and going against every fiber of my being 13 years ago.  Here's the thing though, I work each day to be at peace with what is.  None of us can change the past.  Now, more than ever, at 40, I get it.  I understand that I wouldn't be who I am today had I not lost myself along the way.

Know this, nothing is stagnate unless you allow it to be.  One call, one choice, one reach can change your entire path's momentum.  Listen to yourself and trust what you're learning.  The answers are all right there, just waiting for you to pay attention to them.  Remember that, I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

Owning One's Truth - The Way

Abusive personalities, it's not a subject I've touched on much here before.  At the moment however I'm feeling compelled to share some things at the urging of spirit. Thoughts inspired from conversations with friends and family that happened during the summer of 2013.

First, a little background though.

I was raised by a controlling personality, one whom I would say is abusive at times.  I watched the father I love mentally and physically abuse my mother.  She found the wisdom and courage to leave him when I was ten years old.  To this day, as many wonderful and positive things there are to be said about my father, he still wishes to control every inch of my 39 years here of living.  It's just who he is and he doesn't want to change.  With my own age and experience has come wisdom. Wisdom to see him for who he is and understanding to know that those insecurities aren't a reflection of me or any of the people in his life whom he tries to control.

I've learned so much from observing and being around controlling and abusive people in general.  I spent a few decades loving a controlling personality and at one point marrying him and saving his daughter from the depths of her mother's hell.  I settled and subjugated in this relationship.  I tried so hard to be a light in a dark world that I lost some of my own luster.  I sacrificed the unsacrificeable.  I learned what not to be and do.  In the end though I woke up.  I remembered who I was before the darkness of his world.  I left and I am better for all of it, for now knowing what I did not know then.  I learned that I don't have to repeat the past to heal it, that I can create a new direction and make different choices.

So, now that you understand my background on the subject, here is what I wanted to share.

Don't Use Each Other

I've learned that people do not have to be in relationships to "use each other."  My father tries to say otherwise, that everyone uses everyone.  No one should ever be in a relationship based on need.  Each of us should learn how to be self sufficient.  Is it easy to keep up with an acre property and modest home by myself on an income that isn't what is used to be prior to the recession and layoffs?  No.  Are those reasons to date someone, look to be in a relationship, or move someone in?  Hell no.

When I worked in domestic relations law, I saw it all too often, people married and getting divorced because everything they built the relationship on was need versus want.  They needed a roof over their head.  They needed a baby mommy or daddy.  They needed to feel secure in themselves.  They needed a checkbook to live off of.  Each couple that came together out of need didn't last because eventually one person or the other realized that the need wasn't going to be filled by the other half, that the need actually required self care and fulfillment.  Don't get me wrong though, most of them left pointing fingers at each other verses looking within to realize the problem was inside all along, that they came into the relationship based on need versus want to begin with exited based on need as well.

Don't Get Jealous

I've learned that jealousy is fruitless and that those who accuse others of misconduct are often the ones misconducting their behaviors.  When you're with someone, you either trust them or you don't.  If you can't trust them, you have zero business sharing a life with them.  Don't even think about trying to cohabitate in a home where you raise children together.  Your children after all are learning everything you're doing and not just saying.  Mommy and daddy can't really love each other in a healthy way if they're reading each other's emails and text messages behind each others backs now can they?  What does that teach your kids? It teaches them that it's okay to settle and to be with someone you don't trust.  It teaches them anxiety and how to manage bad choices too.

Start With Truth

I've learned that respect starts with truth.  If you can't share a space with someone or have a friendship that's rooted in truth, what's the point?  Does one have to be a mean or brutal with the truth?  No, you can be truthful and tactful.  You can be truthful and loving.  That's what true love is anyway, the ability to be one's self 100% honestly and openly and be appreciated and respected.

Be Respected

I've learned that anyone who would ever try and separate you from those who love you and from whom you love is simply trying to dominate a larger presence in your life.  That's not healthy either and it's simply another form of control.  Often controlling abusive personalities try to manipulate you into believing their way, urge you to question your own and do things rooted in a lack of security versus an abundance of belief.  The sooner you see those manipulations for what they are, the sooner life can get better and you can be free.

Choose You

Most of all, I've learned that in the end we make the choices.  We decide when enough is enough and we are the ones who must make the effort to turn the page.  Life is too damn short, precious and fleeting to waste time on things that aren't serving our higher good.  Cut the cord.  Live.  You may just find that all the hell was worth it in the end because it makes the here and now of making healthy choices that much sweeter.

In closing, to every woman and man I've ever loved who has had the courage to make healthy choices, I commend you.  It isn't always easy but you are proof that it can be done.  Namaste.

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

In The Driver's Seat - Making Right Choices

Interesting what a month plus of daily meditation and yoga will do for the soul.  Back in May I started this venture, to actively be mindful each day, to have focus over my thoughts verses my thoughts just racing as they like to do for all of us if we let them.  The average person has 70,000 thoughts a day.  Everything from what's for breakfast to what we're going to wear.  70,000!!!  Most of which we allow to be on auto-pilot.  

Nothing wrong with racing per say, sometimes racing can be good.  The racing of positive thoughts builds an environment wherein a vibration is created that expands additional good feelings.  As with all things in the Universe however, in all things of like attract like, racing with panicky, obsessive, stressful, or doubtful thoughts does the exact same thing.  It creates a vibration that expands into additional bad feelings and eventually those bad feelings expand into a greater life experience of those negative emotions.

Those of us who leave up to fate what unfolds into our lives aren't getting it.  Our thoughts and energies are what create our experience here.  We are the ones behind the wheel driving the journey.  Some people we meet along the road hitch a ride for a short distance.  We pick them up into our lives and we drop them off.  Others we sometimes grow so comfortable with as they ride along, we sometimes allow them to take over the drive.  This can be a dicey decision in that very few others we'll meet will respect the direction and course we've set out upon enough to follow along the same path.  In fact, the more positive a direction you're headed in, the more peaceful you become in your evolution of self, the more it will seem as if your companions on the ride (life) will question or attempt to inhibit your progress.

Why is that?  Why is it that you can decide to be in a healthy and positive place yet someone you love and trust can assert that you're anything but?  Why is it that the sky can be blue and sunny but someone out there will complain about what it isn't instead of giving gratitude to what it is?  These character issues, they have nothing to do with you and your path.  When you are in peace, happiness and gratitude living, fact is, some people just can't handle it.  Others only see what they allow themselves to see.  Perception is like that, you either see what you want or what you don't want.  Either way, it's on course to meet you where you are.  Either way, the problem is with them and not with you.

Here's an example of what I'm saying, if we act in life from what we don't want i.e. I worry about someone I love being homeless or making wrong choices for their life, because I don't want them to suffer, my intentions for them are coming from a place of the unwanted.  The Universe doesn't know the difference, it doesn't know that I don't want the person to suffer.  All it knows is that I'm thinking about the person suffering.

On the flip side, if I think about what I want for the person from a place of serenity and trust, if I learn to map it out in a way that's positive and that feels good, I in turn will feel good and by default attract that positiveness into my life.  So, in the case of the person I fear suffering, I turn the fear off and feel love.  Love that the person is alive, that the person is experiencing life and learning valuable lessons that will one day create a well rounded person who knows what they want in life.  By doing this I feel good and am in control of the drive.  See how that works?

So yes, thoughts do become people, places, opportunities and things.  Good, bad or indifferent, it's just law. You're in the driver's seat of life and you get to decide each moment you're awake the environment you travel in and who's along for the ride.  Take the scenic route and travel in good company when you can.  Trust me, it makes for a more enjoyable journey.  

Copyright ©2013 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Floating with the Current

Been pondering this for sometime now and I wanted to share it with all of you.  There is someone in my life who's reached out lately, someone who in the past has hurt me repeatedly, the last time of which created a serious distance between us.  Someone I don't trust, even though I love the person with every fiber of my being.  This person isn't as experienced as I am with life but they do know right from wrong.  It's been difficult for me to act in love and receive this person back into my life knowing what I know now about them.  While I hope their intentions are pure, my instincts are at odds.  So, it's been an emotional quandary of sorts.  Do I continue to let them in?  Do I let them in but have my guard up?  Do I even bother anymore trying to help them navigate their path in life?  Do I allow them in cautiously but nonetheless allow them in?    

Intention, what we want from the Universe, we have to FEEL it.  If I want this person to continue to be a part of my life, I know I can't have an underpinning of doubt about their place in it.  That doubt is a feeling and that feeling will manifest itself.  I've been watching it already happen.  One day we're making strides and the next day it's same ol', same ol' situation.  It's tough.  

I know I can't control what another person says, does or becomes in life but I do have control over how I personalize or receive their actions in the world.  I can decide if I'm being manipulated or really missed.  I can decide to have a wall or not have a wall up in dealing with them too.  All that I've learned about intention though says you can't want A while thinking about B because then A & B are at odds and in the end, you'll never end up with what you wanted with the A scenario or feeling.  Darn perfect thing that intention is.

So, here I am floating with the current of life being extremely mindful of what I'm feeling.  Each time I feel as if I'm being used to fill a void or get something, I pivot that feeling to open my heart and feel love.  Each time I'm told a lie, I remember to pivot it so that I don't take it personally.  Lying is what this person does, until they decide that they're not going to do it.  Other people's bad behaviors aren't about us, they're about them.  Really, it's as simple as that.

You see, I've learned that if I'm going to get a negative it's not going to be because I manifested it by feeling it.  If I get a negative it's on the one giving it, not on me.  I can at this juncture hope for the best, all the while protecting myself and those I love.  I can build a bridge and care.  I can allow this person to show me they're making a better path for their journey.  The person already has a pretty good map.  Now all they need to do is follow the directions.  In the meanwhile, I'll be available for advice should the need to ask for directions when they get lost.  Grateful that I'm smart enough to not be a backseat driver on their journey too.  This life, they have to drive it on their own.

Copyright ©2013 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.