Life "After" a Global Crisis

Here we are, humanity, trying to makes heads or tails of the craziest year and a half most of us can remember. 

Did this bring us together, or tear us apart? Did the loss of life, income and opportunity make you bitter or push you out of your comfort zones? 

Are you still suffering? It feels as if most of the planet still is, and that we're really no better off than we were when the news broke. 

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. All I do know is that we have to put ourselves first. We have to take care of our health, our bodies, those things within our control, as best we can. 

We have to let go of people who are toxic and who bring harm in hard times. In the same breath, we need to know the difference between intentional harm and harm as a result of mental distress. There are many good eggs out there who are spiraling through this mess and that spiral looks and feels like something it really isn't if you take the time to see past the rants and look at the person behind them. 

The world is at its highest recorded numbers of mental illness, suicide and addiction use. Keep this in mind when you're operating out in the world. If you have love to give, radiate it. If you need love, ask for it. We're all still in this together, whether we like it or not.

Triggers - Feelings Vs Fear

Every story in our head can be rewritten. In life, each moment we are breathing, it's another chance to course correct.

Negative emotions, so many of us, we run from them. We hide behind food, alcohol, pills, etc. We run in fear from feeling. We don't have to live on that vibration though. We can chart a different way of deliberate intent. We can co-create anything we get into alignment with.

The key to getting there though, it's the feeling. The feeling is what sets us free. Don't be afraid to feel. To navigate it. To grow through it. Our feelings create our life because they send out our belief system into the Universe. The best part of feeling, is owning it. Of allowing it to just be as it is. Once we know what doesn't feel good, we can get about the business of creating what feels right. Trust and believe, it can all serve your greater good. If you let it. FEEL.

Remember that. I love you.
🙏📿☮️💫💙📚📼💽🔊

Dots Along The Journey

Life, it's never dull around here. I have a father in the throws of dementia and fading away, most days not even knowing who I am, or how much he loves me. A mom who lives in the opposite direction travel wise, not feeling herself, in and out doctors and hospitals, afraid of what's ahead for both of us. Afraid of being a burden. Oh the lies we tell ourselves when we are vulnerable. Family, love, it's NEVER A BURDEN.

Yet, despite these consuming life stresses, and having my entire world turned upside down about 90 days ago as it pertains to best friends and my volunteer/work life, I can see the dots.

I now see how one of my closest cheerleaders on this Lipedema healing journey, since I learned its name in 2012, how her betrayal and mean girl behaviors pushed me to own my truths, and to move away from that which wasn't healthy for me. How the most painful experiences were catalysts for change.

What wasn't making me happy, had to go. She wasn't making me happy. My volunteer work for another wasn't making me happy either. Not owning my truths, those truths, was making me uneasy, and unwell. In the end, she set me free.

Reciprocal relationships, those make me happy. Healthy, that makes me happy too. Thriving, now that makes me the happiest. It was time my day-to-day relationships evolved in alignment with my body, and my healing.

You see, you tolerate a lot of bad behaviors from people when you don't have a grasp on your own self worth, when you are unwell. I swore when I found the courage to leave my ex-husband who was verbally abusive (over 8 years ago), that I would not repeat patterns of the past. That I would take however much time I needed to heal from that. I honestly thought I had done so.

Thing is, I hadn't. Even with continued therapy. Not completely. The events of June showed me that truth.

I found myself instead around, and in love with, narcissistic personalities. Supposed friends who had no follow through to ever really treat me the way I treat people. Both persons showed their true colors when my back acted up in February. Those March ripples broke shore as violent waves come June. By July, I was done. Shattered, and ready to move forward, drama free, healthy, whole, and at peace. 

So, that brings us to today. And, today is freedom.

Yesterday, I did a damn thing. I allowed myself to be filmed, talking about this fucking disease Lipedema and all that it has done to me, and made me, in the last 30 years. 30 YEARS. 30 YEARS!!!!

I was vulnerable. I was raw. I hid nothing. I owned it all.  Every mistake.  Every lesson. This is me. Beautiful, fragile, and once broken by Lipedema, me. An hour of showing, educating, and just being unapologeticly, me. I laughed. I cried. It was, without a doubt, an exercise in expansion. The hardest and best thing I have done yet since knowing its name.

I know that I own this disease now, that it doesn't own me anymore. I also know that if we never give up, the dots will connect. We will get to eventually see what's being drawn before us.

We get so hung up in the how. We really have to remember to just trust in the process, trust in the pulls. I started going public two years ago, and became intentional 90 days ago. Had I not done those things, been fearless, owned its name, I would not of just had the opportunity I had.

The people who hurt me, the mean girl who used to comment on every transformation photo, who wanted me to get made up, dress nice, and GET THE GUY, she in turn gave me the best parting gift in her wake of damage and betrayal. A reminder of my self worth. A reminder that, as my grandma Irene once said, WE ARE THE DREAM.

That gift allowed me to be who I was yesterday, talking about Lipedema, just not giving a fuck, and being fearless. Those painful experiences with her equalled a resolve and peace I had forgotten I could procure.

Jealousy and addiction does crazy things to people. Love them anyway, just from afar. After all, they're struggling and evolving just like the rest of us.

Then, it hit me hard, thinking about it all, the dots to be able to even handle yesterday. Like an avalanche, as my stomach was turning in nervousness yesterday morning, it all came full circle. If I was losing my mind the last week reliving 30 years of the dream and trauma attached to it, sane and sober, how in the world did someone I love ever do it unwell and addicted? Talk about it all coming full circle. About compassion. About, twinning, and timing. Yes, twinning. Oh yeah, I own that too these days. No fear. No regrets.

See, that's the thing about never giving up. You don't get to see the beauty of it all unless you stick and stay long enough.

Please, never give up on your own fights. Somewhere along the way you're connecting someone else's dots, just as someone else is connecting yours. Remember that, I love you.

You deserve to be well, too. 

The Shift

It was December 30, 2009.  I had ended a decade long relationship of love and toxic turmoil earlier that year, with a man I *know* I was tied to in a "way beyond this place" planned life.  My pulls are never wrong, ever. 

Since that time, I've treaded lightly in love, from not allowing myself to get close to "what I know" won't last, to cautiously believing in 2015, that I was on my way to a mutually respectful relationship headed towards a "real" marriage.  Instead, my heart was shattered by a coward.  Which, in the big picture, is OKAY.   Okay because my grandmother taught me, there's no room in a woman's life for a man without a spine to do the right thing.  Add to that the deaths of 2 other men I let into my day-to-day art of living these past 8 years, and well, needless to say, I've stayed single. Purposely single. Healing.

I haven't given up on love, on true partnership, on another pull walking into my life and rocking my world.  Just as I never lost the love I have towards the one I had to walk away from.  I will always love him from afar.  I will always be energetically tied to him.  I can tell you on any given day what mood he is in, or even when he thinks about me.  I will always love and appreciate what I learned in my time with him, raising his daughter as my own, enjoying the healthy days of energy between us, and becoming a strong woman walking away from them both (couldn't take her with me) to a healthier life, one free of his sociopathic, controlling, & narcissistic ways. 

God has a way of allowing us to create peace in any pain. We just have to look for the things to be grateful for in the situation, once removed from it. The 20+ years I spent knowing both the pull and the coward, I believe, laid the foundation, for whatever comes next for me. That one day, I'll have what was good and right about both of them, manifested in someone else. One taught me to trust my pulls. The other taught me that someone can and will love my Lipedema body, love me, accept me, with paranormal activities,  and everything that comes along with being a light, and a healer. That I can be me, 100% in my own skin.  A real partner, a best friend. No walls. No boundaries. Just effortless being. Yes, that's what's ahead. And, I'm happy being solo until I get it! Eight years later, I know my worth.  I hope you know yours. You're priceless. Remember that, I love you.

The Transcendence - Dancing With Denial

I started this blog in April of 2016, and came back to it again in August of 2016.  Today, Easter Sunday, 2017, the day in which I was raised to celebrate as "Resurrection Sunday," seemed as good as any day to resurrect this blog.  While I've been posting KB worthy thoughts and exchanges on my Instagram when they come, as well as carrying forth a couple of posts in the "Inspired Thoughts" album at Knowing's Facebook fan page, I've intentionally been avoiding this specific blog in process, and writing here in general.  It's literally taken me almost an entire year of processing, sifting and sorting to get here.  Not because of the pain of writing it, but because of the connection I have to the person whom inspired its reflections to begin with.  That "knowing" that the person I'm connected to, who was then thousands of miles away pursuing their dreams, was cycling through their own dances with denial and transcendence.  

It's taken this long to allow myself to own these words, unfiltered, and from the heart.  

You see, I grew up surrounded by friends (and lovers) who struggle with addiction.  Notice that's not a past tense statement.  That's because, the struggle never ends; it's a day to day, sometimes moment to moment dance between what one knows to do, versus what one's compelled to do.  I've also had to say goodbye to those who've gone home to the other side, due to the addiction itself, or the lingering effects of damage to the body due to having it.  I think we all have, we all know someone who has been touched by it at that level of loss.

For over 27 years I've been in AA, NA and OA meetings, countless churches, meeting halls in random places, with coffee flowing and smoke hanging from the ceilings.  I've been in the psych wards of hospitals, holding friend's hands, speaking the good word, focusing on the wins and what's beautiful about that suffering soul before me, crumbled and broken, and wanting to die.  

Those 12 step meetings, they were to support those same friends and loved ones.  I've been to Al-Anon too, and I read the Big Book to be in the know, to understand the process that is being sought of them.  To learn how not to be.  To learn healthy boundaries.  As a result of this wide open compassion and acceptance of those who are managing recovery, in adulthood, I'm surrounded by some of the most beautiful people.  People who just so happen to also be managing their addictions, transcending daily their old ways and hurts, and scheduling time to create peace in their lives.

Moms, daughters, fathers, sons, best friends, small business owners, people from every walk of life; no one is immune to it.  Addiction doesn't carefully select whom it's going to intrude upon.  Addiction has no selection process at all.  It just is what it is.  A crap shoot of luck, sometimes propelled by circumstance, genes or psychological make-up.  It certainly isn't something that someone wakes up to, wishing upon themselves one day either.  It's a disease, it's not a choice, and although it drives a lot of undesirable behaviors in people we care for, it's not the "real" person behind the wheel of their life.  

In all my years of loving people for who they really are, I've learned that we don't walk away from that which doesn't serve us, until we're damn ready to do so.  No matter what other people say, no matter how much we dance in denial, we do not budge in a permanent new direction until we've come to peace with the cards we're dealt.  Once we focus on what we have, what we want, and what we are grateful for, life shifts.  Denial isn't just something you flip a switch on, or have a come to Jesus meeting about.  It's a choice.  One so deeply rooted that we often don't even know it's there sometimes.  Thus, the word, DENIAL.  Bottom line, people change when they're ready to change.  No amount of ultimatums, loss, or bitching at them is going to accelerate that.  It won't stay and stick at least.  We have to want the change in order to be able to embrace it.  

So, here we are, being love, and allowing people around us to be who they are, without our judgment.  Just as Jesus would of done.  So we're told at least, and what I adhere to about that story.  That's how we're supposed to be.  We all have crosses to carry on this journey.  Mastering ourselves will always be our greatest call, and our most important challenge.  

I hope that when you're faced with creating healthy boundaries and unconditional love, that you'll remember that beneath the pain before you, is a person.  I hope you'll always remember that within that person is someone who would give anything to shut the pain off, and feel whole, in control, and at peace again.  Try not to shame or hurt those who are hurting.  Remember, people only can do as well as they are in that moment.  There are so many hurt people out there.

Above all, never give up hope.  They might just surprise you.  I've been blessed to watch a few transformations come to pass over the decades.  Even those in the deepest and darkest depths of depression, anxiety, and other types of mental illness have transformed their lives, choosing not to use their addiction as their coping mechanism with the same. I know that what we intend upon, put laser focus towards, and take action upon in our daily calendars, comes to pass.  If it can happen to those I know, it can happen to you.  Let those who have made strides inspire you to find your own.  No two recovery stories are ever the same, and no two people find their way to recovery on the same journey.  But, together, we can all get there.

Just let love lead.  It will see you through.  I'm trusting right along with you.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.