Monday, October 31, 2011
Yes Life, I'm Listening
I had an eye opening exchange the other day with a new friend about clarity and stress. This, just as life would decide to happen. Irony right, being asked what your stresses are in life and how you handle them just as a really big one, two or three of them come along within the same couple of weeks. One of the three was so big that it created a new branch of clarity in my own life. Um, yeah, talk about coincidental timing. You probably already know how I feel about coincidences though. For those of you who don't know, I most resonate with Einstein's statement that coincidences were believed to be God's way of staying anonymous.
What happened that was so stressful? I almost lost one of my best friends Amber. It was the weekend and I was preparing for the day ahead. The phone rang and the caller ID said it was her house. I figured she was calling to harass me about making her infamous homemade pizza at game night later that evening. I'd last seen her the evening before and had left her home before she would start dinner for her family. It wasn't her on the phone though, it was her husband. I sat down at my desk as my soul sunk hearing his voice crack. Those words, please don't say those words I thought. No, it was impossible to process. Amber? A fire? Our Amber is in ICU? Amber? Unconscious? Last night?
I just wanted to act in that moment, to get in the car to head across town to swoop her kids up and tell them everything was going to work out, that it would get better, to stay strong. I just wanted to honor my friendship and do right by her family but I was frozen and I could barely catch my breath as I hung up the phone. I was in shock. Here it was, my friend had been burned badly in a kitchen fire. Her lungs had swelled up and shut down on her so she was incubated and kept under to heal. For all intensive purposes she'll tell you she died from asphyxiation. Oh my goodness, she would even crack smart jokes at what happened saying, "I had a near death experience. I'm not worried about sleeping anytime soon!" and "I got shafted! I didn't see a light! What in the world, there is supposed to be a light!" upon her return home from the hospital five days later. Those aren't exact quotes by the way. I took out the curse words that flavored the exchange as to not offend anyone here.
Of course we all had a good belly laugh over those statements but there it was though, in just a few concise smart and witty words, clarity. Sweet, sweet clarity. Amber's clarity about life and what mattered most to her, living to care for the family she loves and getting home as quickly as possible to them. It took everything I had in me to not cry the night she came home and said those words. You see, when I moved to the mountains in 2004 my first and most fiercely loyal friend would be Amber. Her independence, wit, endearing strength, love and loyalty of her family are the things that bonded our friendship. She is the epitome of the stereotypical 1950s homemaker but with new world sass and attitude. Everything in her family centers around her devotion to them. To not make it, to not be there for them is nothing short of unacceptable in her book. She had to live and she had to get back home to them.
Amber is also what I call a lifer friend. Those people in your life, the ones who you just click with in a way that is beyond words when you meet them. A lifer is meeting someone you have felt you have known forever, someone that once you meet them you just can't imagine them not being a part of your life. My dear friend Amber, yes, she is one of these gems. So yeah, to even think about her not being there was inconceivable in my mind, let alone her family.
Being there as best I could those first few days for her family and watching them worry along side myself and her best friend Amy was transformative. It really forced me to look upon my own life again, evaluating what matters, who I have room for and who I don't. I learned who my own friends are far and wide, even people I haven't met yet in real life when I reached out to receive positive thoughts and prayers online. To be honest, I'm still processing my emotions and feelings about all of it. I do know that I understand this much though, that what I feel from within is very clear. Out of Amber's situation came my very own sweet clarity.
You see, to me, clarity, it is one of those things that comes after surrender. After trials and tribulations. After you have been so down you don't realize how awesome it is to get up anymore. Clarity is the gift of the struggle. Clarity really can't be found either. It's just there, like a cool light rain on an uncomfortably warm summer day. Oh but you will know when it comes though, for it will light you up from the inside out and the bliss from the same will touch everything you know and do. Clarity comes from the stretching of one's character.
Yes life, I'm stretching and I'm listening. Thank you for the clarity. Thank you for pushing me to reach and trust during that difficult time of unknowing. Thank you for my other friends who carried me through it. Lastly and most importantly, thank you for Amber.
Copyright ©2011 Nita Clewis
All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Where It All Leads
Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see the beauty, believe in them and try
to follow where they lead. - Louisa May Alcott (1832-1888) American Writer
to follow where they lead. - Louisa May Alcott (1832-1888) American Writer
Friday, October 14, 2011
The Sudden Release
Interesting to me what has happened these last few days and weeks. My
previous post about a negative intuition that I had no control over and was
struggling with to accept has taken a complete 180-degree turn in my
life. That negative intuitive thing that was breaking my heart into a
million pieces, it has been removed by an instant change of
circumstances. A change in circumstances that none of us even had a hint
of or knew was coming. This change was not necessarily, a positive change
in circumstances for the person involved whom the negative intuition was about
either, but it is a change in circumstances that is manageable and
treatable.
This unknown change in circumstances has allowed the person I love and was
concerned over to change the route of their path. A path that in all
honesty is not controlled one little bit by them. A path that they were
already familiar with, openly accepting of, and ready to walk. It is
after all who they are and what they do. Like I said before, I could not
change that about them and honestly, I would not want to. I am proud of
the person they have become because of this selfless path.
The moment I heard the news about the change in the path though, that
negative foreboding instantly went away. Absolutely positively
gone. The release of the same brought tears of unimaginable joy. If
I could of, I would of been doing cartwheels of joy in the local Wally World
(my slang name for Wal-Mart) when I read the text message about the new
circumstances. I have honestly never felt such a release of joy like
this.
The very few people I shared the negative intuition burden with say that the
sudden change in circumstances are answered prayers or a miracle. Part of
me would like to believe that but I am inclined to disagree because I truly
believe we are all exactly where we are supposed to be on the journey. If
the circumstances had not changed and I would have had to continue trusting in
the person's path, wherever it leads, then that is what I would have had to
do. I would still have to continue to accept my negative intuition and go
about my life waiting to see if it was in fact true as time passed.
Copyright ©2011 Nita Clewis
All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Intuition & Fighting the Fear
Intuition is a gift. Sometimes it tells you good things, sometimes it tells you things you really would rather not know. Either way, you still have to trust that all is as it should be with those things, including the people and places you have no control over. You still have to trust in life. As for when you can't force yourself to trust, that's when you have to breathe deep and remember to just let it go as best you can, to hand it over to the universe. Even if you do know, it's still not your path.
I am in a very odd place right now. I have been processing a negative intuitive feeling as of late. I am somewhere between acceptance and fear. I believe that my life has no room for fear yet I'm knee deep in the middle of it when it comes to this one area of my life.
It is not my path, I know this. I am reminding myself that I have absolutely no control over what is or what will come to be in the lives of those whom I have intuitive thoughts about, negative or positive. I also know that I could be completely wrong about this negative intuitive feeling. Only time is going to tell though. Time, sweet and precious time.
It is okay though I guess, the waiting. I will gladly wait the next twenty years of our lives to get this thing that's been tearing me up inside wrong. I have been handing this thing over to the universe every day, sometimes multiple times a day since it started a little over three weeks ago. I cannot stop the events of life from happening. I know this. I cannot change someone's chosen profession and I sure as hell understand that I cannot change an entire culture's belief system either. No, I just have to keep doing what I'm so desperately trying to do right now, to just trust in life, even when it has a negative intuitive thought. I just have to keep letting it go.
Brookgreen Gardens, South Carolina |
Copyright ©2011 Nita Clewis
All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Risk Equals Reward
What can I say about the summation of the past couple of
weeks other than, “I’m baaaaaacccckkk!”
Back from what might you ask? A
stagnate, over analyzed, self-imposed limiting and /or isolating existence. Okay, so that probably just sounded way worse
than it was so allow me to explain.
The last three years of my life have been years of
transition and transformation. About two
years ago, I finally got to the point where I would allow myself to embrace
acceptance. I learned that no matter how
much I tried to make something work, no matter how much I prayed for it to
work, that you have to just accept what is and let go of what isn’t in your
life. You cannot force what you have no
control over. You have to surrender
those things and just go about life trusting well, life.
Once I had engraved these lessons in my being, I was then
able to use that acceptance to let go of the things and people I had no control
over. As I’ve said before, the past year
of the journey has been the daily practice of that.
Since earlier in the year I have been following a new path
in my journey. I guess I shouldn’t call
it a new path, it really is nothing more than an old path I’d never journeyed
on before. A path that finds itself reemerging
in my life from time to time. A way of
living that has always been available to me but that I have resisted nonetheless…..up
until this point of my life.
Brookgreen Gardens, South Carolina |
You see, I was so stuck on what I wanted verses what was
that I out right avoided the path. It has
always been there though. Always….but I
wouldn’t take the risk. Risks that would
undoubtedly lead to rewards. Risks that
needed to be taken to grow into all that I am.
So, hear I am, surrendering to what is and trusting in the
day to day living of life. The “I’ll ask
that question or do that thing when I’m at this point” excuses are gone. The walls I had put up to feel nothing are gone. I choose to enjoy the day-to-day
journey. I choose to be mindful and
present. If I get a feeling to do
something or say something, I follow that feeling without delay. There is no more waiting, no more
delays.
The truth is that there aren’t any reasons to not create the
existence I desire. Everything before
was a creation of believing a different thought pattern, one that wasn’t
beneficial to my best life. I decided to
change my thoughts so that I could in fact change my life.
So, back to the last couple of weeks. Affirmations of the path have been showing up
all over my life. In my friendships, in
my family, in my career, with this blog…..they are everywhere. I am in utter awe and without words when
these things happen. I have never been
one to deny the magic of coincidences along the journey either. I’m used to them and I welcome them but when
you get far more than you’re used to you tend to take notice of that too. Affirmations, coincidences, and an inability
to articulate. Oh yeah, fun ride for
sure.
Things, places, opportunities, people just showing up and
more often than not without rhyme or reason.
A couple of weeks ago when I finalized my thoughts on surrender I stumbled
upon my emails to friends regarding the Tao book I spoke of. There it was, in black and white, my trying
to reach out and share. This is just the
most recent affirmation. Other earlier
ones are so deep I can’t even articulate them here. I wish I could. I do know that I am grateful
beyond measure though. I am grateful for
the peace to actively let go. I’m
grateful for the affirmations, for that knowing that you can’t explain.
All I can ask is that you take these words and commence
action in your own life. All I can ask
is that in hearing my own struggle that you find the will to keep fighting
yours. I want you to know what this
feels like and I want you to know that you are so worth the fight. Accept what is. Become present. Choose gratitude and let the rest go. I promise, it will be one of your best days
ever. Trust your path. It’s there just for you.
Copyright ©2011 Nita Clewis
All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Surrender & Acceptance: It’s Okay to Let Go
Photo by Amanda Lowe, Castleworks Photography ~ Great Falls, Virginia |
"Fear of failure and fear of the unknown are always defeated by faith.
Having faith in yourself,
in the process of change,
and in the new direction that
change sets
will reveal your own inner core of
steel."
~ Georgette Mosbacher
~ Georgette Mosbacher
The past year of my life has been like no other. This has been the first year of my life that I
have been actively practicing the daily acceptance of the people and things I
have no control over. This is the first
year of my life that I have consistently surrendered to what is and the first
time in my life that I have found complete and total peace with the letting go
of these same obstacles. This journey
was not easy for someone whose inquisitiveness always wants to know why things
are the way they are, for someone who’s heart is so wide open and deep, that I
would just assume forgive you and meet you where you are then walk away from
you.
That is just how I operate; I am always looking for the
method behind the madness. I always want
to see the best in everyone. I also want
everyone to see the best in themselves as well. So much so that I would stifle my own growth
through the years because I was stuck on what was or what could be verses what
was really happening in the present moment. What is that they say about insanity, it is
doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different result? Yes, there I was, for far too many years,
stuck on the why or what could be of the insanity that was my life.
My awakening to surrender and acceptance began many years
ago though, finding a day here and there of solace. As I dabbled in creating a healthier existence,
I would always come upon people, places and things that would affirm the path
that I was supposed to take. Despite
these signs, I continued to resist. I
was not listening to the nudges in my life.
My gut knew what needed to happen in order to reclaim my sanity but I
was allowing myself to be stuck by the fear and anxiety of the unknown. I did in essence not trust the path.
As I learned to surrender however, I found the courage to
accept what was verses what I wanted to be, or what was held close to my heart
as a memory of what once was. A fierce
courage that said no matter what happens, that even if I failed miserably, all
of those things would be better then continuing to live in the insanity that
surrounded me. A courage that pushed me
into action, despite the potential for short and/or long term loss or
collateral damage, that damage being the loss of a child I’d mothered full-time
for three years and known for seven. A child I had sacrificed for and treated as my
own. Was I afraid of letting go? I was, yet I made a plan and I acted on that
plan despite those fears.
I made small changes at first to gain traction and
confidence in my new direction. Then, as
time would pass, I would make bolder changes.
I learned to use my voice. I
learned to hold my ground and not back down. I learned how to recognize when those I loved
dearly and unconditionally were manipulating me. They were all baby steps years in the making
but they were undoubtedly steps forward. I was teaching myself to embrace the path verses resisting it.
It is also during my most recent year of living with
surrender and acceptance that I have learned just how powerful the law of
attraction really is. Opportunities,
people, places and things have just appeared in my life without logic. I am still in awe as to how things are
unfolding. I awaken each day with
excitement about what is ahead and where my life is going. I know that no matter whom I have had to let
go of, that it really is okay and that I am exactly where I should be in this
present moment.
When I find myself angry or sad at the collateral damage of
these choices, the parts and the people that I have no control over, I simply
remember that if we do not move on in life, then the other people we loved so
deeply and unconditionally, they will never have the opportunity to learn from
the loss. Sometimes, that is our
greatest gift to them, the lessons they learn because of our actions.
Are you listening to the nudges of your life? Are you paying
attention to them? Is there something in your life that you too are resisting? Is
there something that you are fearful to face or anxious to do? Is there a path
that your gut says you should be taking yet you have been resisting it despite
this inner knowing? Know this truth, whatever this path is; it will continue to
appear in your life through various people, places and things. Sometimes it is
even random but it is happening for a reason. The reason is your growth.
Accepting it or not is your choice but the path will continue to appear in your
journey until you take it. Why not take
it now? Time waits for no one. Trust the journey. Trust the path. Surrender yourself to it and accept it. It really is okay to let go.
Copyright ©2011 Nita Clewis
All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.
All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.
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