2024 - A Decade Later

2014, the year that affirmed and changed everything. The year I learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that we never really die. A year that forever changed me. 

I've spent the last decade running from spirit on and off, wrestling with that knowing. Challenging the undoing of religious dogma of that knowing. Understanding that we can love God, believe in Jesus, AND ALSO KNOW THAT SPIRIT OF LOVED ONES NUDGING ISN'T EVIL OR THE DEVIL. Understanding that the dogma is Man's doing, not creation's. 

In the last decade, I finally told my friend's mom about his nudges after his unexpected passing. She even wrote about it in her book about her journey of loving an addicted son. 

I stood up to liars in Maine trying to tell another Mom that I saw Nolan's death before it happened. That's not true. It never was true. I only saw other timelines, ones without addiction. Ones where he was happy and making a Christmas album of Christian music with his daughter. 

I walked away from repeat offenders. People/friends who claimed to be doing the work but who actually aren't, stuck in their cycles of destruction and chaotic living.

I leaned to let go, and to remember that the knowing isn't always about this incarnation. That sometimes, it's a glimpse into another. That while it's always right, it's not always correct RIGHT NOW. That people are of their own free will. That people will not always choose what we know needs to happen for them to heal. 

That addicts will lie and distance themselves, not taking accountability for their hurts. 

That those who do the work, sticking and staying, have the way through. That there's hope in recovery. That a small breathwork group can bring healing after traumatic deaths. That the work of our tribe carries on, even without the dots along the journey that brought us together to begin with. 

This year, things are different. They're shifting. They're rebuilding. They're creating. And, I'm here to experience and embrace it all. 

Never ignore your downloads and nudges. 

Never give up on connecting the dots along the journey to whole and balanced living. 

Life can be beautiful when we take risks for the rewards. When we let go and allow expansion beyond what we think* we know. 

Thank you to my favorite dots. Thank you for not leaving when your time here this incarnation was done. Thank you for making me a better human because our lives crossed path. Most of all, thank you for setting me free. 

The truth was always here. The truth is in the presence. The current moment. The now. The no bullshit acceptance of what's right and what's wrong. The truth, it can set us free, but only IF we believe it and take action on those beliefs. 

Remember that. I love you. 

xoxo Nita 

The Next Chapter - The Not Knowing

7.25.21 - Accidently didn't hit publish...

 As time has passed and I've grown into this next chapter of life that I didn't document for this community, I've come to a place of acceptance that my expectations for what I expected of myself the last decade at Knowing and what birthed from the same are bigger than you or I.

Long before Knowing and Whole & Balanced Living, I was keeping a private blog with link only access. A blog I've been recently instructed to return to for review, as I do the sacred work of healing trauma around my father's passing Christmas Day, 2020.

Before I had the name for the 5 Claires life. Before I had the name for Lipedema, the genetic mess I deal with and have been dealing with since puberty. Before I knew that spirit and all that is or ever will be for us humans affirmed that we never really die. Before I reclaimed my worth and unapologetically started following my pulls, downloads and nudges. 

With ownership of all of the above comes vulnerability. Allowing people in who know, who see the shift in my energies and eyes when I'm not at the wheel, an exercise in trust.

Nothing hurt more over the years that having someone you love and trusted, embraced, who supposedly accepted it all, turn and run from it all. When someone who's all in starts questioning and calling you crazy. When they're injecting dark beliefs and dark thoughts into the light. 

My softer side really wishes things could be as they were with that person, versus fear and mental health struggles taking them away from what we were building that was bigger than either of us. I even still pray and send this person reiki love, protection and healing energies. 

Nonetheless, as I heal what happened the last few years that I had no control over, I am remembering who I was and who I am today, beyond the limiting thoughts or belief systems came to rest in my being here and there along the journey.

I'm grateful for what today holds. For the light in the darkness. For the knowing. For the 5 Claires life. For having a vision, purpose and calling.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my dots along the journey that have brought wisdom, passion, and love into my life. I love my tribe and my life by design people. 

Life "After" a Global Crisis

Here we are, humanity, trying to makes heads or tails of the craziest year and a half most of us can remember. 

Did this bring us together, or tear us apart? Did the loss of life, income and opportunity make you bitter or push you out of your comfort zones? 

Are you still suffering? It feels as if most of the planet still is, and that we're really no better off than we were when the news broke. 

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. All I do know is that we have to put ourselves first. We have to take care of our health, our bodies, those things within our control, as best we can. 

We have to let go of people who are toxic and who bring harm in hard times. In the same breath, we need to know the difference between intentional harm and harm as a result of mental distress. There are many good eggs out there who are spiraling through this mess and that spiral looks and feels like something it really isn't if you take the time to see past the rants and look at the person behind them. 

The world is at its highest recorded numbers of mental illness, suicide and addiction use. Keep this in mind when you're operating out in the world. If you have love to give, radiate it. If you need love, ask for it. We're all still in this together, whether we like it or not.

Expiration Dates

When we go to the grocery store, the FDA makes sure we know the shelf life of the goods we buy. We get a warning of what's to come and how to handle what we consume. Wouldn't it be nice if Life had the same labels for people and situations. Think about it.

How many times have you held onto people or situations in your life that were past their shelf life? Careers that were unfulfilling. The boss you worked too long with.  The bad sublet you stayed in when it would of been better to move on.  Relationships with roommates that weren't flowing.  Lovers that were toxic.  Family members who needed healthy boundaries.  Being stuck when you know the fastest way out of stuck is just acting to protect your authentic self.  Even some friendships can have a shelf life if they're not evolving, too.

Remember that reason, season, lifetime scenario? We need to stop sticking and staying by situations and people who don't bring us peace and happiness. This thing we do as humans of expanded consciousness, of guilting ourselves into loving everyone unconditionally in a way that allows them in, it has a time and a place. It's not a catch all to commit no matter what.  We need to learn how to leave situations.  We also need to learn how to leave people alone.  We can and we should separate ourselves from those not serving our greatest good.

Yes, we do learn through contrast. But, once we learn the lessons, we also must learn to leave people alone and how to let go when the situations and dynamics no longer suit us.  People should feel good.  Work should feel good.  Life, when we are thriving, it feels good. 

Stop hanging onto the "spoiled fruit." We cannot pick, hold and consume the "good fruit" when we do that. We have to decide. Decide to feel good. Decide to let go. Remember that. I love you.

- Nita Clewis
Knowing (The Blog)
©2019 www.KnowingBlog.com

Moments of Remembering

We all do it. We forget who we are. We disconnect from all that is, and things stop flowing. We stop believing. We sabotage our growth. We wade in the abyss.

Then, we remember. Life nudges through people, places, symbols, coincidences, and stuff you simply cannot ignore.

Life expands. We're given an opportunity to grow again, and to evolve past where we stumbled before.

We remember, and then we get about the business of reminding others. And, the circle continues. Contracts honored. Vibrations raised. Together.

No one does it alone. Remember that. I love you.

Triggers - Feelings Vs Fear

Every story in our head can be rewritten. In life, each moment we are breathing, it's another chance to course correct.

Negative emotions, so many of us, we run from them. We hide behind food, alcohol, pills, etc. We run in fear from feeling. We don't have to live on that vibration though. We can chart a different way of deliberate intent. We can co-create anything we get into alignment with.

The key to getting there though, it's the feeling. The feeling is what sets us free. Don't be afraid to feel. To navigate it. To grow through it. Our feelings create our life because they send out our belief system into the Universe. The best part of feeling, is owning it. Of allowing it to just be as it is. Once we know what doesn't feel good, we can get about the business of creating what feels right. Trust and believe, it can all serve your greater good. If you let it. FEEL.

Remember that. I love you.
🙏📿☮️💫💙📚📼💽🔊

Dots Along The Journey

Life, it's never dull around here. I have a father in the throws of dementia and fading away, most days not even knowing who I am, or how much he loves me. A mom who lives in the opposite direction travel wise, not feeling herself, in and out doctors and hospitals, afraid of what's ahead for both of us. Afraid of being a burden. Oh the lies we tell ourselves when we are vulnerable. Family, love, it's NEVER A BURDEN.

Yet, despite these consuming life stresses, and having my entire world turned upside down about 90 days ago as it pertains to best friends and my volunteer/work life, I can see the dots.

I now see how one of my closest cheerleaders on this Lipedema healing journey, since I learned its name in 2012, how her betrayal and mean girl behaviors pushed me to own my truths, and to move away from that which wasn't healthy for me. How the most painful experiences were catalysts for change.

What wasn't making me happy, had to go. She wasn't making me happy. My volunteer work for another wasn't making me happy either. Not owning my truths, those truths, was making me uneasy, and unwell. In the end, she set me free.

Reciprocal relationships, those make me happy. Healthy, that makes me happy too. Thriving, now that makes me the happiest. It was time my day-to-day relationships evolved in alignment with my body, and my healing.

You see, you tolerate a lot of bad behaviors from people when you don't have a grasp on your own self worth, when you are unwell. I swore when I found the courage to leave my ex-husband who was verbally abusive (over 8 years ago), that I would not repeat patterns of the past. That I would take however much time I needed to heal from that. I honestly thought I had done so.

Thing is, I hadn't. Even with continued therapy. Not completely. The events of June showed me that truth.

I found myself instead around, and in love with, narcissistic personalities. Supposed friends who had no follow through to ever really treat me the way I treat people. Both persons showed their true colors when my back acted up in February. Those March ripples broke shore as violent waves come June. By July, I was done. Shattered, and ready to move forward, drama free, healthy, whole, and at peace. 

So, that brings us to today. And, today is freedom.

Yesterday, I did a damn thing. I allowed myself to be filmed, talking about this fucking disease Lipedema and all that it has done to me, and made me, in the last 30 years. 30 YEARS. 30 YEARS!!!!

I was vulnerable. I was raw. I hid nothing. I owned it all.  Every mistake.  Every lesson. This is me. Beautiful, fragile, and once broken by Lipedema, me. An hour of showing, educating, and just being unapologeticly, me. I laughed. I cried. It was, without a doubt, an exercise in expansion. The hardest and best thing I have done yet since knowing its name.

I know that I own this disease now, that it doesn't own me anymore. I also know that if we never give up, the dots will connect. We will get to eventually see what's being drawn before us.

We get so hung up in the how. We really have to remember to just trust in the process, trust in the pulls. I started going public two years ago, and became intentional 90 days ago. Had I not done those things, been fearless, owned its name, I would not of just had the opportunity I had.

The people who hurt me, the mean girl who used to comment on every transformation photo, who wanted me to get made up, dress nice, and GET THE GUY, she in turn gave me the best parting gift in her wake of damage and betrayal. A reminder of my self worth. A reminder that, as my grandma Irene once said, WE ARE THE DREAM.

That gift allowed me to be who I was yesterday, talking about Lipedema, just not giving a fuck, and being fearless. Those painful experiences with her equalled a resolve and peace I had forgotten I could procure.

Jealousy and addiction does crazy things to people. Love them anyway, just from afar. After all, they're struggling and evolving just like the rest of us.

Then, it hit me hard, thinking about it all, the dots to be able to even handle yesterday. Like an avalanche, as my stomach was turning in nervousness yesterday morning, it all came full circle. If I was losing my mind the last week reliving 30 years of the dream and trauma attached to it, sane and sober, how in the world did someone I love ever do it unwell and addicted? Talk about it all coming full circle. About compassion. About, twinning, and timing. Yes, twinning. Oh yeah, I own that too these days. No fear. No regrets.

See, that's the thing about never giving up. You don't get to see the beauty of it all unless you stick and stay long enough.

Please, never give up on your own fights. Somewhere along the way you're connecting someone else's dots, just as someone else is connecting yours. Remember that, I love you.

You deserve to be well, too. 

The Skip

I have a friend who genuinely tries to let me in. This person is someone with whom I have a reciprocal friendship with. The kind of friend, who randomly thinks about you, and picks up their phone to see if you have responded to their last text. The kind of friend, who no matter how hectic life gets, reaches out to ask how you are, and actually waits to hear the answer; and, the kind of friend who reaches out again, when time has passed, and there isn't a reply.

I call these friends my lifers. They're around me by design, co-creating lives, and sharing in the human experience. They're committed to us by a force that's far more determined than shear human choice. It's as if there isn't a choice. It just is, and that's that. There's no other story to be written, they're in our lives "by design."

I like to consider myself an open book as well. Anyone close to me, within that tribe of people, can connect with me. Yet, despite that proclamation, I skip with this one friend who genuinely tries to let me in. Meaning, I do this annoying thing of not answering the inquiry with this particular friend.  So much so it became down right annoying for both of us, and I had to figure out why I wasn't being my normal self.

I skipped to be a shield.  

At first, I would do it because I was trying to protect this kindrid spirit from any additional details of my life. We all have been there, when our own life is already so discombobulated that we simply can't absorb that which is being told to us. And, we sure as hell have no business taking it on. But, we do it anyway, because we love those in our tribe.

Then, I skipped to avoid retelling. 

Life has become challenging remembering all of the important lessons my grandfather's passing taught me. Lessons I must remember now as I walk my own father down familiar paths. Between the PTSD of those events a few short years ago, and this marathon of loss we have been running since, it's deflating. I can tell my lifer in TX. I can tell my childhood neighbor over a phone call. Yet, I was skipping in one relationship, and not allowing this person in who wants to be there.

Then, I was skipping because I wasn't the one who normally seeks comfort, wisdom, or laughter. I was Superwoman (not my words), the one everyone else goes to. But, if one person is so much to so many, then who gets to be that person's comfort, wisdom, and laughter? Basically, who is Superwoman/Superman in Superwoman's life? Welllllp, mine are already deceased/home (gulp), or on their way home (sigh). Then it hit me. Like a brick.

Finally, I realized what was really going on! I was continuing to skip because I have walls up.  I was skipping to avoid an intimacy and vulnerability that simply put, just felt different. I was skipping to avoid a pull and energy I hadn't felt so fiercely since 8th grade science hallway walk on the way to shop class.  Each day that I skip, that I keep the wall up, I am avoiding.

Life is too short damn short for avoiding. Enough.

I am working to bring down my walls, one brick at a time. Oh, and there's a cracked foundation I am rebuilding too. I've spent the last 8 years diligently rediscovering myself, and making peace in the pain of the seasons of life.  Change is the one inescapable constant. We flow better through life when we observe those changes, versus reacting to every moment of them.  Healing is a course of direction, and not a destination.  Going forward, I have made a pact with myself to stop skipping. To stop deflecting. To stop putting up boundaries.

One of my dearest friends and teachers Thomas once said, "you can't fight nature." Meaning, we are what we are, and we are a species built to be driven to survive through the bonds of our tribe. He was reminding me of the Universal Wisdom of life, of letting go, and of being in the now. Remember that. I love you.

The Shift

It was December 30, 2009.  I had ended a decade long relationship of love and toxic turmoil earlier that year, with a man I *know* I was tied to in a "way beyond this place" planned life.  My pulls are never wrong, ever. 

Since that time, I've treaded lightly in love, from not allowing myself to get close to "what I know" won't last, to cautiously believing in 2015, that I was on my way to a mutually respectful relationship headed towards a "real" marriage.  Instead, my heart was shattered by a coward.  Which, in the big picture, is OKAY.   Okay because my grandmother taught me, there's no room in a woman's life for a man without a spine to do the right thing.  Add to that the deaths of 2 other men I let into my day-to-day art of living these past 8 years, and well, needless to say, I've stayed single. Purposely single. Healing.

I haven't given up on love, on true partnership, on another pull walking into my life and rocking my world.  Just as I never lost the love I have towards the one I had to walk away from.  I will always love him from afar.  I will always be energetically tied to him.  I can tell you on any given day what mood he is in, or even when he thinks about me.  I will always love and appreciate what I learned in my time with him, raising his daughter as my own, enjoying the healthy days of energy between us, and becoming a strong woman walking away from them both (couldn't take her with me) to a healthier life, one free of his sociopathic, controlling, & narcissistic ways. 

God has a way of allowing us to create peace in any pain. We just have to look for the things to be grateful for in the situation, once removed from it. The 20+ years I spent knowing both the pull and the coward, I believe, laid the foundation, for whatever comes next for me. That one day, I'll have what was good and right about both of them, manifested in someone else. One taught me to trust my pulls. The other taught me that someone can and will love my Lipedema body, love me, accept me, with paranormal activities,  and everything that comes along with being a light, and a healer. That I can be me, 100% in my own skin.  A real partner, a best friend. No walls. No boundaries. Just effortless being. Yes, that's what's ahead. And, I'm happy being solo until I get it! Eight years later, I know my worth.  I hope you know yours. You're priceless. Remember that, I love you.

The Transcendence - Dancing With Denial

I started this blog in April of 2016, and came back to it again in August of 2016.  Today, Easter Sunday, 2017, the day in which I was raised to celebrate as "Resurrection Sunday," seemed as good as any day to resurrect this blog.  While I've been posting KB worthy thoughts and exchanges on my Instagram when they come, as well as carrying forth a couple of posts in the "Inspired Thoughts" album at Knowing's Facebook fan page, I've intentionally been avoiding this specific blog in process, and writing here in general.  It's literally taken me almost an entire year of processing, sifting and sorting to get here.  Not because of the pain of writing it, but because of the connection I have to the person whom inspired its reflections to begin with.  That "knowing" that the person I'm connected to, who was then thousands of miles away pursuing their dreams, was cycling through their own dances with denial and transcendence.  

It's taken this long to allow myself to own these words, unfiltered, and from the heart.  

You see, I grew up surrounded by friends (and lovers) who struggle with addiction.  Notice that's not a past tense statement.  That's because, the struggle never ends; it's a day to day, sometimes moment to moment dance between what one knows to do, versus what one's compelled to do.  I've also had to say goodbye to those who've gone home to the other side, due to the addiction itself, or the lingering effects of damage to the body due to having it.  I think we all have, we all know someone who has been touched by it at that level of loss.

For over 27 years I've been in AA, NA and OA meetings, countless churches, meeting halls in random places, with coffee flowing and smoke hanging from the ceilings.  I've been in the psych wards of hospitals, holding friend's hands, speaking the good word, focusing on the wins and what's beautiful about that suffering soul before me, crumbled and broken, and wanting to die.  

Those 12 step meetings, they were to support those same friends and loved ones.  I've been to Al-Anon too, and I read the Big Book to be in the know, to understand the process that is being sought of them.  To learn how not to be.  To learn healthy boundaries.  As a result of this wide open compassion and acceptance of those who are managing recovery, in adulthood, I'm surrounded by some of the most beautiful people.  People who just so happen to also be managing their addictions, transcending daily their old ways and hurts, and scheduling time to create peace in their lives.

Moms, daughters, fathers, sons, best friends, small business owners, people from every walk of life; no one is immune to it.  Addiction doesn't carefully select whom it's going to intrude upon.  Addiction has no selection process at all.  It just is what it is.  A crap shoot of luck, sometimes propelled by circumstance, genes or psychological make-up.  It certainly isn't something that someone wakes up to, wishing upon themselves one day either.  It's a disease, it's not a choice, and although it drives a lot of undesirable behaviors in people we care for, it's not the "real" person behind the wheel of their life.  

In all my years of loving people for who they really are, I've learned that we don't walk away from that which doesn't serve us, until we're damn ready to do so.  No matter what other people say, no matter how much we dance in denial, we do not budge in a permanent new direction until we've come to peace with the cards we're dealt.  Once we focus on what we have, what we want, and what we are grateful for, life shifts.  Denial isn't just something you flip a switch on, or have a come to Jesus meeting about.  It's a choice.  One so deeply rooted that we often don't even know it's there sometimes.  Thus, the word, DENIAL.  Bottom line, people change when they're ready to change.  No amount of ultimatums, loss, or bitching at them is going to accelerate that.  It won't stay and stick at least.  We have to want the change in order to be able to embrace it.  

So, here we are, being love, and allowing people around us to be who they are, without our judgment.  Just as Jesus would of done.  So we're told at least, and what I adhere to about that story.  That's how we're supposed to be.  We all have crosses to carry on this journey.  Mastering ourselves will always be our greatest call, and our most important challenge.  

I hope that when you're faced with creating healthy boundaries and unconditional love, that you'll remember that beneath the pain before you, is a person.  I hope you'll always remember that within that person is someone who would give anything to shut the pain off, and feel whole, in control, and at peace again.  Try not to shame or hurt those who are hurting.  Remember, people only can do as well as they are in that moment.  There are so many hurt people out there.

Above all, never give up hope.  They might just surprise you.  I've been blessed to watch a few transformations come to pass over the decades.  Even those in the deepest and darkest depths of depression, anxiety, and other types of mental illness have transformed their lives, choosing not to use their addiction as their coping mechanism with the same. I know that what we intend upon, put laser focus towards, and take action upon in our daily calendars, comes to pass.  If it can happen to those I know, it can happen to you.  Let those who have made strides inspire you to find your own.  No two recovery stories are ever the same, and no two people find their way to recovery on the same journey.  But, together, we can all get there.

Just let love lead.  It will see you through.  I'm trusting right along with you.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Truth & Consequences - Part 4 - The Next Chapter

Lessons are repeated until they're learned. 

I don't like to give up hope on people, especially when they're young and inexperienced in the world.  I'd like to think I turned out okay because somewhere along the way, a few people didn't give up on me.  For this reason, my heart has always been open.

Winter would bring another change my way.  That kid I raised as my own, she'd come back into my life because of that stroke.  A new chapter would begin.  One where she's now become a mom, learning along the way what sacrifice really is and how resilient she is to do hard things.  I'm proud of the woman she's working to become and hopeful she'll find her way.  I did, so I can only hope she will as well.  Life has a way of figuring itself out.  This path of hers is no different. 

Children have a way of grounding us to this world.  They're an anchor in life's storms. As we navigate what's ahead, I wish that each of you out there missing a loved one, get the chance that Jennifer and I have had this past winter.  Don't let a health scare be the catalyst that allows you to let go and walk back into someone else's life.  Decide today to do it anyway.  Life will be better for it.  I promise.  Risk comes from reward.  Remember that.  I love you.



Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Connecting the Dots 2.0 - The Teachers & The Students

As Spring has began to turn around the mountains, it's a reminder of the Season's renewal.  A reminder of how we must remain steadfast and hopeful for warmer, brighter days ahead.  Especially when we endure the winters of our lives.

Some friends, as well as myself, have been navigating some circumstances in life that for many, could overturn even the most upright ship.  I have nothing but love and gratitude to those who grace my life with their own struggles, who bare their souls wide open, free from the fear of judgment, to connect and share that which pains them.  I think when we share with each other, we allow each other in. Within that mix of coming and going, we learn how to help one another.  That "tribe" way of living can make even the most painful of experiences peaceful one day.

I've been teaching a lot lately about "the dots"....those moments in life that change our course.  The ones that connect later and we see the picture before us of our lives.  The cause and effects of the journey.  Within the work of teaching, I'm reminded of the lessons in my own dots. 

There's nothing more liberating than being distant from those moments that you once thought defined you.  We get to a place where we just learn to be ourselves.  We make no apologies for being human, flawed, emotional and loving.  We don't care if people don't get us because those who do get us, they're worth our time and attention. We become that which we decide to become. We all have free will here.  Why not pick peace in the pain?

So, here we all are.  Enjoying what we can hold onto that's positive of life.  We're fortunate to even have an opportunity to connect those dots.  Far too many people don't get along far enough in life to do so and even more than that walk around immune to the cause and effect tapestry before them.

To each their own. In my big picture they're not present anyway.  :)

As you go about Spring and renewal, remember your own dots and find gratitude for those moments that were once heartbreakingly disappointing.  Without them, seeds wouldn't of been planted for the come back and transcendence of those obstacles.  All pain has opportunity.  We just need to be willing to be open to it.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Walking The Talk - Faith > Fear

While visiting with my sweet friend Serena today, a friend whom I'd not seen since high school that I'd reconnected with on Facebook, she brought up a "name" in our mix of conversation, a simple inquiry as to how that person in question was. Immediately, as in micro-expression immediately, my energy shifted, and it was ridiculously apparent (in a good way) that the person she was asking about has an effect on my being unlike any other person in my world right now.  And, as much as I've tried of late to stuff that away, and NOT acknowledge it, more and more people seem to cross my path or our paths inquiring as to what's going on in my life with said person.

My initial knee jerk reaction is that it's NOT what they think they see or observe. I almost feel like that story about how God throws pebbles to get your attention, and then you don't listen, so it becomes rocks, then bricks, and then boulders! It's one thing if one person says it. Or, when one of your psychic medium friends says it came through a conversation she was having gardening, and you're soooooo head over heals elsewhere, you're rolling your eyes on the phone muttering to yourself "whatever, he's wrong chica, it's not like that, you'll see" seven months ago. But, it's an entirely another thing when they say it, the deceased say it, and then a long ass line of random, not so random friends and acquaintances say it. Over, and over, and over again.

Maybe I'm blind. Maybe I'm so wrapped up in my family, my work, my health and the music and nature that sustains me, that I'm just not focused on it. Maybe I can't let what they see into my psyche, because I feel that I'm not ready for that kind of a connection with another person right now.  

When peppered with the endless questions as of late, my brutal and honest answers have been, "I don't really know. They're not typically my type or someone I would covet, I don't date '_________' (profession), I just adore them. No, really. (straight face) I never date them, I just love on them. Shocker, I know. However, I do understand what you're saying about the energy. There is something there that binds us, that I can't articulate or put my finger on, an easiness and flow...." followed by "Yeah, you're certainly not the first person to say that or ask that or comment on your observations either. Seriously though, I really don't know. I do love them, and would do anything for them, but they're not even my *type*, and it's not a romantic love."

I do "know" though. No matter how much I deny it, I flipping know.  It's been creeping up on me like a dang stealthy ninja. I also know the timing isn't right to even think about the possibility of it. So, why am I griping about timing?

Simply because I know that I'm using the next year of my life to get a strong handle on this Lipedema thing, the one single thing that holds me back from thinking I'm worthy of what I want in life, which is for someone to see me for the beautiful and amazing human being that I am, and to love me fearlessly and protect me steadfastly to the ends of the earth. There. I said it. I look at the package, of what this fat disease has done to my body, and it makes me fucking cringe. Bad. So, because it makes me cringe, I allow myself to believe and accept that it makes males cringe too. Therein lies my greatest obstacle at present, thinking that I'm limited by something I have zero control over, that's hereditary with no real cure, and going to be with me until the moment I take my last breath. Something that I also believe I can change. Just google images of Amanda Arlauskas. She was diagnosed on The Biggest Loser Season 9 with Lipedema. That diagnosis wasn't televised, but it explained to her why some fat just isn't going to go anywhere without a special type of surgery that back then was only practiced outside of the USA. Granted, girlfriend doesn't have my calves (which one is equal to the circumference of my waist, wrap your head around that bullshit), but still, she's an inspiration to all Lipedema ladies worldwide.

So, in following my own advice, I have to ask myself hard questions. Maybe fear is driving the wheel versus faith. Maybe I've lost so many, and so much the last few years, that in the back of my head, I know that grief is in equal measure to that which we love. Maybe I'm afraid to get close, to love and to possibly lose. Not because it doesn't work out, but because they die. Maybe I'm so put off by this energy that I question whether or not it's real, or if it's what everyone else thinks they see. Yeah, I must be blind. Or in denial. Either way, that's not healthy either.

The stroke in December taught me that I love A LOT of people in my life and in turn, A LOT of people love me. I've never been one to easily allow other people's love in though, even though I fearlessly love upon others. It's just how I'm made and I work every darn day to allow reciprocal relationships into my life. In fact, 2015 was the year of the reciprocal relationship. I told myself I was pruning away anyone and everyone that didn't cut it, who wouldn't do for me as I would do for them. It was tough and I let go of people I wanted to hang onto who weren't healthy for me.

Knowing how easy it is to lose, I know that life is special and fleeting. That time waits for no one, and that we have to follow our pulls in life, both with friends and with lovers. Many people say they want to be in a relationship with a best friend, to have that bond. I have many male friends, some of whom are best friends and in all honesty, I'm not "pulled" towards any of them in that way that would one day pull us out of the friend zone. As for my "different energy" friend that everyone is squawking about, I consider myself dang special to have that kind of friend in my life, someone who others say makes me glow or float about my day-to-day art of living simply because of that energy and our unexplained connection.  

You see, I knew when two of my departed friends left this world that somehow, someway, someone (or two, or three) would come along to light up those dark and empty places that they left behind in me. That one day I'd meet a new metaphysical junkie, a new muse, a new creative force, and a new fan of Knowing's writings/my work/downloads/nudges. I just didn't know it might all be the same person. Ooooppps. Good one gentlemen, good one. You got me there.  

People have come and gone in my life, and those I care for the most, my tribe, they've become lifers. I collect them, cherishing those things about them that make them special and beautiful as people. It's been written by many astrology experts that Aquarians have issues with confusing love and friendship. To that I say, why can't one have both? Why can't happily ever after be a progression of both? There's no rhyme or reason to energies and affairs of the heart. What will be will be and when you "know"....you freaking "know."  Yet, I'm over here in serious denial, or blissfully unaware. Then again, maybe I'm not supposed to "know" when it comes to this one. Maybe the "knowing" is blocked in that area so that I don't analyze it to the point of paralysis, or jump the gun.

At least it will help in that I'm also not a "chaser" either, meaning if someone wants something more from me than a friendship, I'm not the one whose going to pursue it. I'm old fashioned like that. If a man has an interest, he'll show it. If I have an interest, I'll reciprocate. It really is as simple as that. See, I live my life using the things I share with others as my tools for survival: Intention, trust, intuition and belief.  

I intend to love myself fearlessly and protect myself to the ends of the earth first, before I can allow another to do the same. I trust that the Universe is going to manifest someone who is as intoxicated with me as I am with them. I sense that when it happens, that I'll feel it from within or it will be so evident that I can't hide it, which might be what happened today within that micro-expression and energy shift. I believe that it's possible, and that I'm worthy of that kind of life long connection. The kind that makes you better because you heal. Because you want to shine bright and be your best self simply because someone else is there with you, sharing that journey who inspires you to do so. Someone you learn from and lean on, and someone you in turn reciprocate all those traits back towards. Someone who can receive the love you have to give, as well as give it. In the end, I think we're all worth this. Remember that. I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Into The Great Wide Open

2016 started in grand memorable fashion, greeting myself, my mom, my son and a friend with one heck of an illness that I picked up during my own December hospitalization.  One that would linger for weeks and place my mom in the hospital for couple of them, including a scary week in ICU.  We're all gratefully on the mend now and digging out from multiple feet of snow thanks to Winter Storm Jonas.

There's something to a big winter storm.  It makes you focus.  You have to be prepared and have a good attitude about it or you'll be miserable during the entire thing.  And guess what, it's not going to change because of your mood so you might as well embrace it.  Being stuck at home for 8 days solo was an interesting test of spirit as well.  Thank goodness for power and all its creature comforts i.e. phone calls with the outside world, texts, the internet.  Being forced to be still however still makes one think. A lot.  Reading is normal around here but there was much more of that happening too.

I know I've written here recently about pushing myself outside of my comfort zones.  Heck, I just let hair dye touch my head after 16 years.  Those who know me well figured hell would be frozen over for that one to happen.  True story.  Look.  My regular hair dresser doesn't do color and laying in that hospital post stroke, I wanted a change and to do stuff I'd thought about but not pulled the trigger on yet in life.  My friend Teresa from high school did a fantastic job giving me something natural and low maintenance.  I couldn't be happier.  Anyone in Northern Virginia can find her at her salon TJ's Hair Studio.  Special thanks to my friend Deri for that awesome hair makeover gift too!  She's only bugged me to do it since we reconnected on Facebook years ago.

Before & After w/ Flash at TJ's Hair Studio - My Pics

After image no flash.  Work and picture by Teresa at TJ's Hair Studio in Alexandria, VA.

While I've made peace with last summer and the lessons it brought, I'll be honest and say I'm also realizing I'm in a transitional place personal life.  There's something about facing your own bumps in the road such as my recent hospitalization and then virus picked up there after when I got home that ravaged my family that makes you look back.  You can't help it being forced to be still.  The mind likes to go where it wants and it's our discernment that determines how amuck it runs.

I can remember thinking how nice it would of been to not facing those obstacles without him, to have that comfort and love.  Him being the one who couldn't even make a phone call when I was sitting in another hospital with my own father one Saturday evening in August.  The one who no longer gets to run his fingers through that hair or receive the "before and after" hair cut day photos by text while at work.  Knowing what I learned in hindsight, I feel as if the Universe was preparing me for the next experiences down the road.  That's what I'm at peace with, the process.  I can see now where that pain of "not having" though in those recent struggles in turn opened me up to one day wanting someone special around again.  Before them, I was content just going without and with human nature, that's not exactly normal.  We're built to be together.

Knowing this, I've been pruning back certain areas in order to make room for new growth.  I have this idea in my head that I need to get the parents situations behind me and my Lipedema (google it, it sucks, but it doesn't define me - well, I'm learning it doesn't) treated before moving forward to allow myself to be open again.  Therein is the problem, I'm playing the "when this happens, then this will be" game and that's just silly.  Life happens.  Pulls happen.  There's never a better time than the present moment.

I'm not stupid though.  I know if I need to have some things in order to not have them cloud the now, that I should wait and do said things before endeavoring to go there.  In the six years since I left Jennifer's father, I've spent more of it alone than with another person.  And that's okay because I knew what needed to happen in my own life to not carry forth the past onto the present.

Lets just say it's safe to say I'm darn careful about who meets my son too.  Two got to that point and I'm bummed in a way it even happened because Tristan then has to learn to navigate loss and more change in his life.  Aspergers and typically the autistic in general don't like change. Hard to believe he's 20 months away from being an adult but yeah, if I can spare him another heartache, I'll continue to keep my personal life and him separated until such time as I know it's worth bringing him into the fold.

Part of doing things undone is staying open.  As such, I've decided to stay open while giving myself 2016 to tidy up where things are in life, especially with a high school graduation on the horizon in 2018, ailing parents and my own calendar keeping me grounded and on the go.  It's not that I can't or I won't, it's just that I'm not procuring. I'm living day in and day out enjoying my surroundings, my people and the memories we're making.  What's rather interesting is that I recently learned that I have a few in my circle who for their own reasons, are basically doing the same thing.  How do you like those apples?  Birds of a feather flock together. Into the great wide open we go.  Wherever the destination, it shall be worth it.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

    

Waking Up - Acts II & Acts III

It started just like any other day.  I woke up, I gave thanks, I resonated on the day at hand and then I worked out.  I had my Juice Plus (which is one of my most favorite hacks in life, no, I don't sell it, but I can get you a link to a few people who do), my unsalted nuts as a snack later and I planted seeds for my business and ate leftover Thai for lunch.  I even made sure I had my cold pressed pineapple juice in the morning to get its wonderful anti-inflammatory properties going.  Yes, when it comes to nourishment, I'm mindful.  Mindful because I have this thing called Lipedema.  Mindful because I'm one of millions of Americans uninsured.  Mindful because cardiovascular problems run in my family, as does diabetes and clot problems with the women.  Mindful because I'm anchored to this world by the most compassionate and quick witted 16 year old boy on the planet.

Then I was tired.  Really, really tired.  I thought to myself that my PMS was kicking my rear this month, that I needed to lay down.  So, I did and laying there, I felt dopey tired.  The kind of tired that hits you when you have to take pain medication or you're going under for surgery.  It was heavy and it was instant.  I slept.  When I woke up, I was on my right side.  Normal.  Man oh man did my arm hurt, as did my face on that side.  I must have pinched a nerve.  Why was I so so, so, so tired though?  Why did I feel like I was coming out of surgery?  Having problems rolling over and sitting up?  Having problems staying awake on the john?  What in the hell is happening to me?  I know, I must have pinched a nerve and my hormones must be out of whack.  I'll go pet the rescue feral and bond with him until I wake up completely and get the feeling back in my face and my arm stops hurting. I could hear him scratching at his door anyway.  

I sat with him, reading my friend's messages to me while asleep.  My arm was so heavy trying to pet him.  It hurt so bad.  I was trying to use it to hit the voice to text button on my phone.  It didn't want to do what I wanted it to do.  I tried to talk, I felt loopy.  I could hear the words in my head but I was talking in slow motion.  I told my friend I felt like a zombie, that something was off, that I'd never felt like this before and I felt drugged.  I eventually actually composed a couple of messages and sent them to her.  I walked into my kitchen and grabbed the house phone from the living room to call a friend in the medical profession as she was getting off work.  We talked.  She was alarmed.  I listened.  Then, the most important thing I did was I acted.  I went to the hospital in town.  I was having a stroke. At 40.

Yes, at 40 years young, I was having a TIA.  One that would leave me with a sore arm, and a novocaine is wearing off cheek that's trying to heal itself to this day.  All tests would show I wasn't at risk.  In fact, I was at lower than average risk.  All those fruits and veggies I love to eat with my sea life and occasional land animals would pay off.  My panels were beautiful and I had no clots anywhere they looked for them.  I don't know what's scarier, knowing you've had a stroke or knowing you've had a stroke but you can't really explain why you've had it and what needs to be done to correct it?  Ummm, yeah.  That was my thought exactly.  Let that sink in for a moment.

Within 48 or so hours, I was home in my bed again, loving on my furbabies and thanking all that is for my place in this world.  Crying over reconnecting with that girl I raised as my own who walked out of our lives.  Moved over my friends and family gathering around to lift me up and see me through it all. Shaken to my very core because......because I knew before it happened that something was coming.  So much so I updated my complimentary estate planning (Will, Advance Medical Directive and Living Will) through my LegalShield provider law firm because I could do so at no cost owning their membership (not to mention I connect others with it and I do have medical bills to pay so if you need help in the USA, let me know).  My finalized documents arrived on Wednesday. I stroked on Thursday.  

I'd heard the whispers in my ears to go on a baby aspirin regimen just because.  I felt the obnoxious pull to get every faucet of my life in order.  I had weird sappy moments of wanting to write letters to every important person in my life "just in case" I didn't get to tell them what they meant to me in this journey (of which I still plan to do except now that urgent NOW is gone).  Anytime I felt like not working out, I felt the pull and kick in the rear to do so and go above and beyond the last round.  I just felt this feeling that something was coming and that I was running out of time.  But here's the thing.  I wasn't worried about it or obsessed about it.  I just had these fleeting thoughts and went about my days, living and enjoying life being of service to others and creating something good for myself and my anchor in this world. 

48 hours grounded me and leveled me.   48 hours woke me up more than I already thought I was awake.  48 hours made me run out of "fucks to give."  Something happens when you think you're young and healthy and the body fires a warning shot.  You're left laying there captive in a hospital analyzing everything behind and ahead of you.  You remember what matters most and what doesn't.

Three things matter in this life.  Connecting with others.  Having stability.  Nurturing ourselves.  As long as we do those three things, we're pretty stress free and content with surviving.  We're actually thriving when we do these things.  Nothing makes me happier than connecting with another human being, whether in friendship, business or in love.  Having a roof over my head and yummy food in the cabinets and fridge that's good for my body and spirit keep me level.  It's been a darn good life, even with all the heartache of loss and changes that come when you grow up and learn to love yourself first. Had that afternoon been my call home, I could of made peace with that, even if I'd of been pissed off to have missed out on the things I have left to do here and the people I have left to love on.  Especially my parents considering their own health problems these last couple of years.  They didn't need that and thankfully, didn't have to deal with such a loss. 

I was high on life and grateful to be in a place to receive so much love.  It's hard for me to allow other people to do for me as I have done for them.  I had to learn to allow people in and to just receive.  I was reminded by a friend in the flow that, "I don't believe it's a consequence that EVERY SINGLE GALAXY is spinning, every planet and star is spinning, every atom is spinning...Hence...What goes around comes around."  I had to allow those whom I've poured into to in turn pour into and do for me.  It was a valuable life lesson for Ms. Independent.  One I'm still doing my best to navigate.  

Then, as I was recovering, I came down with the worst illness/bug I've had in my 40 years of living.  In the middle of the night, I danced with the devil and hit rock bottom in that suffering.  The next morning I was thrown a lifeline by a dear friend calling to check in on me and I picked myself out of the wallows of desperation and into the light of transcendence and surrender.  I was going to get well.  I was going to feel good again.  I was going to live this life.  And most of all, I was going to continue to give thanks to those who are part of my tribe who give me a reason to be here and thrive. 

Tonight, as I pen this draft, I'm on the tail end of that super bug.  I'm focused on healing my mom and son who are now suffering with it, as well as my dear friend who helped me do some driving for my son over the winter break.  I'm a few weeks away from 41 and doing something I love, listening to live music with dear friends, old and new.  My guides and angels are with me.  No matter what comes next, I'm ready.  I'm free.  I carry forward into Act III of this life an overflowing joy and peace at what is and oceans full of hope for what will be.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure they say.  It's true.  Take care of yourselves.  Make right choices.  Find and create joy in your life.  Learn to remove life's stresses and just be.  Stop analyzing what's been or about to be.  Just enjoy the ride and go about the business of connecting, creating stability and nourishing your body, mind and spirit.  The rest is just experience anyway and good or bad, it's all going to serve your greater good.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

The Letting Go - Exchanging Bitterness for Gratitude & Peace

A couple of weeks ago I finally finished an interview I'd been watching on YouTube with Alanis Morissette. She was talking to Oprah in a Super Soul Sunday segment.  I've gone without cable or a dish service for over five years now and in all honesty, besides a once in awhile sports event, I only miss Master Class and some of Oprah's segments interviewing people who have beneficial knowledge to share.  

I grew up listening to Alanis.  I wasn't watching because of her music though, I was watching because I felt a "nudge" to do so in that she's been to India and I'm drawn there as well for reasons I can't quite articulate.  I was deeply moved by the exchange of words between Oprah and Alanis during the interview.  So many things Alanis said reminded me of my connection to Thomas, the people I met because of him, and to my conversations with Dave.  When she said that she loves most the "connecting" that she does with others, as was being done in that conversation, it reminded me of how ecstatic I get over the same.  And how much I miss the little group that Thomas brought into my house each Tuesday night wherein we would connect, learn and share.  I've been pulled to start something of that nature again, but more of a teleconference thing versus an in home thing because frankly, those who I wish to be a part of it aren't all close enough to drive on over.  I think going into the new year that I just need to quit thinking about it and just do it.  It's time and I do believe I'm ready to embrace that idea.

Which brings me to another item that I need to quit thinking about and just do. I'm still struggling with embracing what is versus what was.  Bitterness had settled into my heart and that's not healthy for any of us.  I've been thinking A LOT about that as well here lately.  Thinking about my steps in moving forward and how I'd been stuck not "unfriending" the person who is broken and whom disappointed not only myself, but my entire family. How there's this part of me that's not right to think, "go ahead and follow and watch me through the fishbowl have a wonderful and joyous life without your presence in it....suffer knowing what you ruined didn't ruin me."  It's just not right.  

Who I am though is the person who sees people beyond their brokenness. I see people at their highest selves and I believe in them, even when they do things that really aren't for me to explain or understand.  I think this is why I come back together with friends who have hurt me who are broken too.  Because I try my best to live with God in my heart to forgive people and to move forward, even if the friendship isn't as it was before.  That's what unconditional love is after all, to see someone in all their ugly places and to love them anyway.  However, that doesn't mean we lower our standards or subject ourselves to people who can't even give a courtesy text or call when you're sitting in the emergency room with your dad or who are emotionally abusive as my ex-husband was.  Nope, that stuff we let go, and we love from afar without the person in our day-to-day art of living.

Then, just two days ago, before drafting this initial blog (for whatever reason the original disappeared after posting) as the Universe so loving likes to do, a sweet friend messaged me digging deeper into trying to understand that word and why I was using it to describe why I wasn't dating again yet or even really allowing myself to be open towards the same. She said, "Why are you holding on to the bitterness though? I'm not judging, I'm not saying you're wrong, each in our own time. But, you seem to me that you would take that emotion and set it free upon the wind, releasing yourself from its grasp. Is it just too soon? Is it because of the nature of the situation?" We talked about it for a while.  She was so worried she'd overstepped boundaries but I assured her she'd not, that her questions and later a story about her own life, were a welcome conversation out loud bringing forth "work" that needed to be done by myself to trust my own advice, downloads, nudges and to BE THANKFUL for where it brings me today.  Thankful versus bitter.

Sometimes people aren't who they say they are.  That's okay.  It's not about YOU or ME, it's about THEM.  I often tell my closest friends that we should never let someone change who we are in a negative way.  Relationships are about love and its various stages.  They're about getting to the point with someone out there who creates a wellness in you, a healing of sorts.  Someone who, because they're in your life, you want to and do become a better person.  

This person who hurt me and disappointed me, they gave me a beautiful gift in the end.  They reminded me of what it was like, if only for a short while, of what I wanted.  And in the end, what I didn't want.  I learned something and they prepared me for the next "pull" that comes along.  No matter how much my expectations were shattered, and how much my family was hurt in the process, I have to trust and have faith that all is as it should be.  I have to follow my own advice and not change who I am because of what transpired.  I have to choose not to be bitter and to be open.  So today, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Thank you to my sweet friend who allowed the Universe to use her in that way.  Thank you to the guy, who I know is reading this, for reminding me of what I was worthy of and giving me that for a brief moment in time before your true nature was seen.  And thank you to my tribe, old and new, who keep me on my toes and who serve as a mirror at times to help me evolve.  We're all in this together.  Remember that.  I love you.

“It is the nature of the world of form that nothing stays fixed for very long - and so it starts to fall apart again. Forms dissolve; new forms arise. Watch the clouds. They will teach you about the world of form.”- Eckhart Tolle

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Taking Inventory - Masterful Choices

November 7, 2015

Time, it really doesn't stop when we do.  I find myself mere hours away from another date that's bittersweet, reflecting on what was and hanging on for life to the here and now.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about those who've gone home.  This time of year however is different now.  I find myself for about six weeks or so struggling to stay in a place of acceptance.  Of making sense of it all.  Of holding onto what was right for the 3 years I was honored to know Thomas Grant IV, versus getting angry or bitter over what was taken away from us all.

The last month, my favorite time of year, and in all honesty, my favorite month, has been more than interesting for 2015.  Given the battle within, October brought with it a whirlwind reprieve of discoveries and aha moments.  So much so that I had to start keeping track just to make sure I was in fact, not losing my mind over what I was experiencing.  Anyone who knows me and interacts with me can tell you that I find joy in the whimsy of life that makes one wonder.  To repetitively have information and evidence of the things unseen is enough to make anyone's head spin.  It's not like I'm special either.  My understanding and experiences have been that we can all do it.  We can all tune in and connect.  Seriously, I'm not special when it comes to these things (repetitive, absolutely!).  We can all sit here in stupefied awe at the wonders of it all.

As I navigate the last of this year, instead of being sad or letting winter bring its blues, I'm staying mindful in focusing on the gratitude.  Focusing on those things which I've learned, that which has brought positive growth, and memories of what lies ahead.  Being grateful for the pulls in life too has helped.  I tell you what, when you take inventory of them, of the pulls and the wins, and list to digest what each and every pull has brought you forward in your journey, you step back in utter awe of it all.  You get under your skin this invisible cloak of trust.  A way of operating in the world wherein you listen to what guides you from within.  You become fearless and when you do fall, you don't stay down for long before you decide to get back up again.

Is it easy to be this way?  Heck no.  It takes a whole lot of mindfulness and endless practice.  It's truly a moment by moment thing sometimes.  We experience.  We react.  We reflect.  We plan.  Then we go at it all over again.

Is it worth it?  You bet your sweet ass it is.  Is sure beats the flip side of being down in the muck with the darkness, slave to our circumstances.  I don't wish that darkness upon anyone, not even my least favorite people.  Doubt, fear and feeling pitiful are part of the human condition.  However, they're not the destination.  They're simply hurdles to jump as we progress on down the road.  I've long been told and believe that we're our greatest victor as well as our most annoying opponent in life.  Kudos to my extended family and friends for keeping me mindful of the true battle in life, the battle of the mind.   Without a doubt, it's the greatest thing we'll ever learn to master.

Remember that.
I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.  

The Mirror: Relationships 101 - A Litmus Test

As a survivor of narcissistic, psychopathic and sociopathic abuse, I learned A LOT by screwing up my own life to be able to pound these keys to share the following.  Adding to that decade of wrong choices is two decades of working with clients going through divorces and planning their estates.  Lets just say that I have a very directed point of view about what does and doesn't work in relationships.  

I'm back to this area of life sharing because I have a few friends struggling to stay afloat in the rapids of significant other love.  One is trying to leave a narcissist and sociopath whom they share a child with.  Another is repeating low self worth behaviors with a new abuser.  One has a lazy partner who doesn't know how to covet what he wants and projects his own insecurities upon her.  And another is so desperate to be loved, honored and cherished that they've been blinded by what is versus what they want and actually deserve.  I mean damn, was I just not writing in my last blog about my own journey in remembering and letting go of someone who wasn't there for my greater good?  That's how this life is though.  It brings to the forefront people I love seeking comfort, guidance and advice of things that mirror mine or another's evolution of self.  I get to receive downloads and inspired thoughts for them, who are in effect being used as a tool to teach another person I love, sometimes even myself.

As you embark upon the last two months of this year, I really want you to connect with what's coming through right now for each of you below.  To listen and receive what's pulling on you in your life that deserves your attention.  That way, when we greet 2016, you will have set yourself up for your best year of sorting yet in Life Department Love.  Sit down.  Light some Nag.  Walk on the shore. Absorb what I'm about to say.  Then act damn it.  ACT.  You are far too precious in this world to not know these things and those with children, they are watching and learning what we do.

Ladies and gentlemen, if the person in your life doesn't bring you peace, understanding and grace, they're not there in your life to fix those things in them.  They're there in your life to remind you of what you don't want.  Of what you don't deserve.  Of what you're working towards.  Those of you who know me understand that although I'm not a religious person, that I do love God and take away from the Bible many of its Universal teachings.  One that I've learned to apply in my own life is from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  The one that says...

What I basically do now with everyone allowed personal time with me is to hold them to this standard.  Friends, coworkers, family and lovers; no one is immune from it.  I just replace their name with the word Love and see if the person measures up to be worthy of my efforts, time and attention.  So, ask yourself these hard questions and be open to prune away those not serving your greatest good.  Some will need to be gone for good.  Others you'll need to learn how to put healthy boundaries in place for.  After all, we can't pick new fruit if our hands are full of that which is rotten.

1.  Is he/she patient?

We're not talking the typical Nita wants what she wants, when she wants it, today is for the living, where was I again when patience was given away as a virtue?  We're talking about you and your evolution of self.  Do the people in your life allow for your own personal growth?  Do they stay the course?  Do they know how to wait on God to do his work through you and in you?

2.  Is he/she kind?

Hello! Stop sign!  This is not about when someone wants something from you.  Is the person kind?  To animals.  To others.  To that pain in the ass who just cut them off in traffic when they've already had a crazy stressful day.  How does this person handle stress and the day-to-day art of living?  Are they mean or do they strive to lead with love and be kind?

3.  Is he/she jealous?

We're not talking territorial here.  We're talking flat out lack of self esteem and self worth envy. The not believing or knowing one's worth.  The being driven by fear of loss to not trust with every fiber of your being that this person in your life is there for a reason, and even if that reason doesn't last, their lessons left upon your life will IF YOU ALLOW THEM TO.

4.  Does he/she boast?

Boasting is ego rooted.  It comes from a lack of connection to source.  Of not understanding the laws of intention, attraction and action.  Boasting comes from a lack of sense of self.  Humble people know they have God given talents and can be amusing in their assertions, but when it comes down to it, they won't take credit for what flows through them to help another.  They sow seeds of good deeds not for praise, but for what they're doing.  Simply to be a light.  To do good in the world for another.

5.  Is he/she proud?

This is not about "I met my sales goals last month.  Whoo hoo!" or "Hello my friend, do I not have the best ever magic hands?" or "Mom, I'm on the honor roll again (hint hint, where's my money)."  This is about people who have a lack of self esteem and self worth who build themselves upon being prideful.  They don't get that just being themselves IS ENOUGH.  That being patient, kind and loving is enough.  Again, boasting is rooted in a lack of self worth.  It's a caution sign of sorts in dealing with other people and operates much like jealousy and pride.  All of these things are rooted in fear and lack.

6.  Does he/she easily anger?

While some moodiness is chemical in nature, most is attitude and a lack of regard for others.  A lack of golden rule living in the heat of the moment kind of thing.  Note the word EASILY above.  Is he/she thick skinned?  Can they navigate the world in such a way that little things aren't big things? Anger is a symptom of other issues.  It's a trigger for change needed and a reflection of fear.  Anger is often about control.  Those who anger easily have much personal evolution to work on and remember, it's NOT YOUR ROLE to fix them.  That's between them and God.

7.  Does he/she keep a record of your wrongs?

Oh yes, the laundry list.  You know, that list that comes out each and every time a new issue comes up that needs discussion and growth in.  The record of every mistake you ever made or personality flaw you've ever had with the other person.  Score keeping is rooted in control.  It's a way for a person to feel at home in a victim role.  It's how those with a lack of sense of worth and self navigate their broken world. The opposite is letting go of wrongs, of knowing we're all human and here to fail and make mistakes.  We're not a definition of those mistakes, we're a definition of who we allow ourselves to become in light of them.

8.  Does he/she delight in suffering?

Wallow in negative things?  Hurt other people?  All of which could be considered evil.  My mom has a great saying, "Some people have a need to suffer."  That's their path.  Not mine.  Not yours.  Not your employees.  They just don't know how to survive without creating chaos.  Their entire identity is about the struggle or their victimhood.

9.  Does he/she rejoice when truth is spoken?

When the Universal Knowledge of life flows?  When one graciously with love corrects or points out an unsavory behavior?  Or does the person fight you tooth and nail, dancing with denial, projecting their own issues upon you?  None of us like to be corrected.  None of us like to learn that we're hurting another person.  Denial is a defensive mechanism of learning truth.  Trust me, and look me in the eye when I say this, YOU WILL REPEAT YOUR MISTAKES UNTIL YOU LEARN THE LESSONS IN THEM.  So will others.  This is when we REALLY have to work on our egos to lead with love. To humbly accept another's opinion of where we're going ary and to ask God and our guides for guidance in showing us the truth behind them, including where we can improve as people.

10.  Does he/she protect you?

When you're not on your A game, do they help to guide you?  Does the person remind you of your hurts so that you don't repeat them?  Do they help you pivot your thoughts to those that are empowering versus damaging to your being?  Do they protect you?  From the world, but mostly from yourself?

11.  Does he/she have unwavering trust in you?

Life is too finite to live it with people who don't trust and believe in you.  We have an obligation to be honest and unfiltered first.  We must own who we are, flaws and all, before we can trust in another.  We must see the beauty in imperfection within ourselves before we can trust it in another.  Once we get this lesson, it's so much easier to sort the people in our lives who trust in us.

12.  Does he/she always have a hopeful attitude?

Are they a positive in your life?  Do they help you to pivot your thoughts away from what some term "evil" which is basically any negative thought that defeats all your glory?  This is where trusting themselves comes in.  If one can trust, it's much easier to be hopeful.  Hope of better days is what gets us going in the darkness of life.  Dark doesn't like light in biblical terms.  Things can't grow in the darkness until they've adapted to do so for millions if not billions of years of evolution.  We're homosapians, not miracle workers.  We grow and thrive in the light.  Hope is light.

13.  Does he/she work to preserve you?

Again, are the people in your life looking out for your greater good?  Do they actually do the work and say the words that preserve what's right and good about you?  Your work ethic.  Your being.  Your example to the world.  Are they for you or are they against you?  Don't settle for anything less than someone who can see right through you and still believe in your highest good.  Someone who treasures what you bring to the table of their life.  Someone who inspires you to save yourself because again, we cannot fix each other.  We just simply get to be part of their toolbox and blueprint going forward.  Know the difference.  God/The Universe help people to fix themselves.  Not us.  Yes, I'm being repetitive.  That's how we learn.  Remember that.  I love you.

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