2024 - A Decade Later

2014, the year that affirmed and changed everything. The year I learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that we never really die. A year that forever changed me. 

I've spent the last decade running from spirit on and off, wrestling with that knowing. Challenging the undoing of religious dogma of that knowing. Understanding that we can love God, believe in Jesus, AND ALSO KNOW THAT SPIRIT OF LOVED ONES NUDGING ISN'T EVIL OR THE DEVIL. Understanding that the dogma is Man's doing, not creation's. 

In the last decade, I finally told my friend's mom about his nudges after his unexpected passing. She even wrote about it in her book about her journey of loving an addicted son. 

I stood up to liars in Maine trying to tell another Mom that I saw Nolan's death before it happened. That's not true. It never was true. I only saw other timelines, ones without addiction. Ones where he was happy and making a Christmas album of Christian music with his daughter. 

I walked away from repeat offenders. People/friends who claimed to be doing the work but who actually aren't, stuck in their cycles of destruction and chaotic living.

I leaned to let go, and to remember that the knowing isn't always about this incarnation. That sometimes, it's a glimpse into another. That while it's always right, it's not always correct RIGHT NOW. That people are of their own free will. That people will not always choose what we know needs to happen for them to heal. 

That addicts will lie and distance themselves, not taking accountability for their hurts. 

That those who do the work, sticking and staying, have the way through. That there's hope in recovery. That a small breathwork group can bring healing after traumatic deaths. That the work of our tribe carries on, even without the dots along the journey that brought us together to begin with. 

This year, things are different. They're shifting. They're rebuilding. They're creating. And, I'm here to experience and embrace it all. 

Never ignore your downloads and nudges. 

Never give up on connecting the dots along the journey to whole and balanced living. 

Life can be beautiful when we take risks for the rewards. When we let go and allow expansion beyond what we think* we know. 

Thank you to my favorite dots. Thank you for not leaving when your time here this incarnation was done. Thank you for making me a better human because our lives crossed path. Most of all, thank you for setting me free. 

The truth was always here. The truth is in the presence. The current moment. The now. The no bullshit acceptance of what's right and what's wrong. The truth, it can set us free, but only IF we believe it and take action on those beliefs. 

Remember that. I love you. 

xoxo Nita 

The Next Chapter - The Not Knowing

7.25.21 - Accidently didn't hit publish...

 As time has passed and I've grown into this next chapter of life that I didn't document for this community, I've come to a place of acceptance that my expectations for what I expected of myself the last decade at Knowing and what birthed from the same are bigger than you or I.

Long before Knowing and Whole & Balanced Living, I was keeping a private blog with link only access. A blog I've been recently instructed to return to for review, as I do the sacred work of healing trauma around my father's passing Christmas Day, 2020.

Before I had the name for the 5 Claires life. Before I had the name for Lipedema, the genetic mess I deal with and have been dealing with since puberty. Before I knew that spirit and all that is or ever will be for us humans affirmed that we never really die. Before I reclaimed my worth and unapologetically started following my pulls, downloads and nudges. 

With ownership of all of the above comes vulnerability. Allowing people in who know, who see the shift in my energies and eyes when I'm not at the wheel, an exercise in trust.

Nothing hurt more over the years that having someone you love and trusted, embraced, who supposedly accepted it all, turn and run from it all. When someone who's all in starts questioning and calling you crazy. When they're injecting dark beliefs and dark thoughts into the light. 

My softer side really wishes things could be as they were with that person, versus fear and mental health struggles taking them away from what we were building that was bigger than either of us. I even still pray and send this person reiki love, protection and healing energies. 

Nonetheless, as I heal what happened the last few years that I had no control over, I am remembering who I was and who I am today, beyond the limiting thoughts or belief systems came to rest in my being here and there along the journey.

I'm grateful for what today holds. For the light in the darkness. For the knowing. For the 5 Claires life. For having a vision, purpose and calling.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my dots along the journey that have brought wisdom, passion, and love into my life. I love my tribe and my life by design people. 

Walking The Talk - Faith > Fear

While visiting with my sweet friend Serena today, a friend whom I'd not seen since high school that I'd reconnected with on Facebook, she brought up a "name" in our mix of conversation, a simple inquiry as to how that person in question was. Immediately, as in micro-expression immediately, my energy shifted, and it was ridiculously apparent (in a good way) that the person she was asking about has an effect on my being unlike any other person in my world right now.  And, as much as I've tried of late to stuff that away, and NOT acknowledge it, more and more people seem to cross my path or our paths inquiring as to what's going on in my life with said person.

My initial knee jerk reaction is that it's NOT what they think they see or observe. I almost feel like that story about how God throws pebbles to get your attention, and then you don't listen, so it becomes rocks, then bricks, and then boulders! It's one thing if one person says it. Or, when one of your psychic medium friends says it came through a conversation she was having gardening, and you're soooooo head over heals elsewhere, you're rolling your eyes on the phone muttering to yourself "whatever, he's wrong chica, it's not like that, you'll see" seven months ago. But, it's an entirely another thing when they say it, the deceased say it, and then a long ass line of random, not so random friends and acquaintances say it. Over, and over, and over again.

Maybe I'm blind. Maybe I'm so wrapped up in my family, my work, my health and the music and nature that sustains me, that I'm just not focused on it. Maybe I can't let what they see into my psyche, because I feel that I'm not ready for that kind of a connection with another person right now.  

When peppered with the endless questions as of late, my brutal and honest answers have been, "I don't really know. They're not typically my type or someone I would covet, I don't date '_________' (profession), I just adore them. No, really. (straight face) I never date them, I just love on them. Shocker, I know. However, I do understand what you're saying about the energy. There is something there that binds us, that I can't articulate or put my finger on, an easiness and flow...." followed by "Yeah, you're certainly not the first person to say that or ask that or comment on your observations either. Seriously though, I really don't know. I do love them, and would do anything for them, but they're not even my *type*, and it's not a romantic love."

I do "know" though. No matter how much I deny it, I flipping know.  It's been creeping up on me like a dang stealthy ninja. I also know the timing isn't right to even think about the possibility of it. So, why am I griping about timing?

Simply because I know that I'm using the next year of my life to get a strong handle on this Lipedema thing, the one single thing that holds me back from thinking I'm worthy of what I want in life, which is for someone to see me for the beautiful and amazing human being that I am, and to love me fearlessly and protect me steadfastly to the ends of the earth. There. I said it. I look at the package, of what this fat disease has done to my body, and it makes me fucking cringe. Bad. So, because it makes me cringe, I allow myself to believe and accept that it makes males cringe too. Therein lies my greatest obstacle at present, thinking that I'm limited by something I have zero control over, that's hereditary with no real cure, and going to be with me until the moment I take my last breath. Something that I also believe I can change. Just google images of Amanda Arlauskas. She was diagnosed on The Biggest Loser Season 9 with Lipedema. That diagnosis wasn't televised, but it explained to her why some fat just isn't going to go anywhere without a special type of surgery that back then was only practiced outside of the USA. Granted, girlfriend doesn't have my calves (which one is equal to the circumference of my waist, wrap your head around that bullshit), but still, she's an inspiration to all Lipedema ladies worldwide.

So, in following my own advice, I have to ask myself hard questions. Maybe fear is driving the wheel versus faith. Maybe I've lost so many, and so much the last few years, that in the back of my head, I know that grief is in equal measure to that which we love. Maybe I'm afraid to get close, to love and to possibly lose. Not because it doesn't work out, but because they die. Maybe I'm so put off by this energy that I question whether or not it's real, or if it's what everyone else thinks they see. Yeah, I must be blind. Or in denial. Either way, that's not healthy either.

The stroke in December taught me that I love A LOT of people in my life and in turn, A LOT of people love me. I've never been one to easily allow other people's love in though, even though I fearlessly love upon others. It's just how I'm made and I work every darn day to allow reciprocal relationships into my life. In fact, 2015 was the year of the reciprocal relationship. I told myself I was pruning away anyone and everyone that didn't cut it, who wouldn't do for me as I would do for them. It was tough and I let go of people I wanted to hang onto who weren't healthy for me.

Knowing how easy it is to lose, I know that life is special and fleeting. That time waits for no one, and that we have to follow our pulls in life, both with friends and with lovers. Many people say they want to be in a relationship with a best friend, to have that bond. I have many male friends, some of whom are best friends and in all honesty, I'm not "pulled" towards any of them in that way that would one day pull us out of the friend zone. As for my "different energy" friend that everyone is squawking about, I consider myself dang special to have that kind of friend in my life, someone who others say makes me glow or float about my day-to-day art of living simply because of that energy and our unexplained connection.  

You see, I knew when two of my departed friends left this world that somehow, someway, someone (or two, or three) would come along to light up those dark and empty places that they left behind in me. That one day I'd meet a new metaphysical junkie, a new muse, a new creative force, and a new fan of Knowing's writings/my work/downloads/nudges. I just didn't know it might all be the same person. Ooooppps. Good one gentlemen, good one. You got me there.  

People have come and gone in my life, and those I care for the most, my tribe, they've become lifers. I collect them, cherishing those things about them that make them special and beautiful as people. It's been written by many astrology experts that Aquarians have issues with confusing love and friendship. To that I say, why can't one have both? Why can't happily ever after be a progression of both? There's no rhyme or reason to energies and affairs of the heart. What will be will be and when you "know"....you freaking "know."  Yet, I'm over here in serious denial, or blissfully unaware. Then again, maybe I'm not supposed to "know" when it comes to this one. Maybe the "knowing" is blocked in that area so that I don't analyze it to the point of paralysis, or jump the gun.

At least it will help in that I'm also not a "chaser" either, meaning if someone wants something more from me than a friendship, I'm not the one whose going to pursue it. I'm old fashioned like that. If a man has an interest, he'll show it. If I have an interest, I'll reciprocate. It really is as simple as that. See, I live my life using the things I share with others as my tools for survival: Intention, trust, intuition and belief.  

I intend to love myself fearlessly and protect myself to the ends of the earth first, before I can allow another to do the same. I trust that the Universe is going to manifest someone who is as intoxicated with me as I am with them. I sense that when it happens, that I'll feel it from within or it will be so evident that I can't hide it, which might be what happened today within that micro-expression and energy shift. I believe that it's possible, and that I'm worthy of that kind of life long connection. The kind that makes you better because you heal. Because you want to shine bright and be your best self simply because someone else is there with you, sharing that journey who inspires you to do so. Someone you learn from and lean on, and someone you in turn reciprocate all those traits back towards. Someone who can receive the love you have to give, as well as give it. In the end, I think we're all worth this. Remember that. I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Dare to Jump - Navigating the "Perfect Storm"

Earlier this month I mentioned that I would cover an episode of transcendence. I've said before that when I started making Knowing public via this blog that I was doing so pass along the beneficial knowledge of life, to be able to help others.  I never "knew" or thought that it would evolve into what it's morphing into today.  A day to day life of nudges, downloads and occasional visits from entities who have once incarnated here and since gone home to the other side.  I still don't get it or understand it all and I doubt I ever will.  I don't think that's the point however.  As much as we humans love to know answers, I think some answers won't come until we close our eyes that one last time and make the leap ourselves back into full spirit form.  I think the point of these changes in my own journey is to simply hold my attention (short attention span theater say what) long enough to keep me on my toes.  All kidding aside, it takes a lot of removing one's own ego to TRUST what one is receiving for another.  To have the courage to open one's mouth and reach.  I experienced my hardest reach yet and I wanted to share it with you here in hopes that the next time you're on your own self inflicted fence, that you'll act and get out of your own way as I did that fateful night.

What happened was that I found myself in another state and another town "playing team" for an old friend.  Live music at a venue I'd always wanted to get to for other events but that never manifested due to other situations taking the wheel of life.  Even my friend of 19 years who was performing was an important part of what occurred that evening.  Today as I pen this blog, she's performing in New York on their largest bill yet, KROCKATHON.  I was supposed to be at their EP Release in Baltimore at Otto Bar the week after the Baltimore riots and that didn't manifest either due to health issues on my end so this show on June 12th was important in many ways.  The venue.  The artist.  The getting to say congratulations, this EP is magnificent in person talk.  Little did I know just how all be design it really was.  I'd even invited friends to attend with me.  Friends who couldn't come or who had to back out at the last moment, leaving me flying solo with my friend, her band, other patrons and my own thoughts and the nudges that would come later as the evening progressed.  Even her merchandise volunteer didn't show up, which put me in that area for a while and allowed me to fulfill that little need for them while they performed their set.  

After their performance, I went to watch the next artist, someone new to me whom I was "pulled" towards by Spirit from the moment they walked in the room for sound check.  Not the "who are you" pull but the "pay attention Nita and listen" pull.  My friend was so excited to see this artist live but she couldn't leave her band duties to go up there so I gladly volunteered and went up to take photos for both of us and see what this "pull" was all about.  Standing there is when I first felt him, someone present from over there.  Someone really strong and really persistent.  I tried to ignore him.  I was enjoying the music, even singing along to songs "as if I knew them" which to this day, I can't really explain.  The energy was incredibly intense. So intense as time passed that it became unbearable.  I had to get back, to get away from where it was directing me.

I returned to the "safety" of the merchandise table and my friend, visibly shaken and a bit wigged out.  I told her what was happening, for I trust her and know she won't make fun of me or judge me on these things I can't explain.  I told her what I was receiving and she turned white and almost started crying, saying, "You don't know, do you?"  "Know what girly?" "........." (what she shared, that I'm holding privately for this blog).  No, I didn't.  Immediately I wanted to throw up.  She told me that she and this artist were Facebook friends and that's how she knew.  She was so shaken she needed a drink and couldn't walk to the bar to get it and I was so shaken I wanted to leave as fast as humanly possible.  I also "knew" that I needed to in some way push myself past my "stranger danger" zone and tell this person I did not know what was happening.  I was terrified.  

I found myself making a very difficult decision.  Next thing I know, they're tearing down their merchandise table and packing up and the person in question is standing next to me, taking on that table to connect with their new fans.  What to do?  What to do?  What to do Nita?  I pulled out my notepad for work and flipped it over and started writing, hand shaking.  Upon finishing the same, I walked over and gave it to him, apologizing that I had to leave, and instructing him not to read it until he left the venue.  I then bolted.  I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friend.  I sat in my car for about a half hour trying to get my energy under control enough to leave, telling the energy on the other side to let off enough to let me do what I needed to do to get home.

I went home and that energy stayed with me all weekend.  We talked some (that energy and I) and I promised to leave a door open.  Within 3 days, I was awoken just before 3am by that energy, to then hear my phone notifications going off.  There he was, that artist, reaching back.  There I was, wide awake, responding.  Time would pass and exchanges would happen.  I then understood.  I got out of my own way, my own fears, my own self inflicted boundaries and "made the jump."  I'm not sure if I would ever do so without a mutual friend (virtual or otherwise) there to build a bridge of encouragement, but I'm grateful that I did so this one time on a warm summer night in June of 2015.  

Not only have I met someone that's part of the extended tribe now (thanks Thomas and David, you're both making me smile big between this one and the last one), I've discovered another rare God given talented artist that's come here to heal and change lives with their gifts.  Someone who needed me in their path that night as much as I needed that exercise in trusting and letting go.  The music is just a blissful bonus that's "here by design" to enjoy and make me smile.

I'm sharing this story because I want you to know what's possible.  To know that your nudges and inspired thoughts are there for a reason. TRUST THEM.  PLEASE.  Listen to them and act upon them.  Don't question the why, how or what.  Just act.  The Universe is doing its thing and we're just all a part of it all on this spinning place we call home (for now).  I know I've said this a few dozen times over, but our inspired actions change lives.  We might not get to see it, but know it's true.  Just consider it a blessing when someone allows you to see a glimpse of what comes from it after the fact.  We're all pulled towards people, places, things and opportunities.  We just sometimes get so caught up in what "we want" that we don't listen to what "the Universe wants."  I've come to think that when we do we're really just following our own intentions and manifestations, as well as being tools used in other people's intentions and manifestations.  

One thing I've learned since losing Thomas is that we must trust the "pulls" in life.  That when we recognize another from "beyond here" that there's work to do.  God/the Universe is good, all the time.  Listen.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.      

The Pull: I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

As of late, things have been quiet here.  I've been wrapped up in the present moment of the life, of enjoying and savoring how things have unfolded as of late.

In early April my family took in a feral cat that had just had a litter of five kittens.  My mom calls her Bunny given the arrival of her kittens and Easter.  Early on in life my mom taught me to love animals, to care for them and to provide for them.  She was an orchestrating part of making sure this cat and her last generation of wild had a fighting chance.  The entire process was a lovely reminder of how unconditional love and patience can change the course of another life.  When I first met momma feral she was fearful of humans.  When we noticed her belly, my dad not wanting to see her suffer, brought a bag of food out to the house to feed her with.  The bond began and she started to learn that I wasn't going to harm her.  Before she delivered we could touch her back while she was eating.  Then she disappeared for three days and upon returning to eat, she wasn't so wide and waddling. So, I made it a point to follow her after her morning meal.  What's really wild is that the night before she went MIA, I had a dream of newborn kittens, as if I was connected in some way mentally to that momma cat.  I did find her in the window well of another property.  Then operation get those babies and her was on!

She looks thrilled doesn't she?

Her temporary housing until we knew she was in good health, when we thought the rescue would take her.

While I despise the neighbors for not doing anything to stop her generation of ferals, in the big picture I'm grateful that in the end I could give this one a home.  Per my mom's request, Bunny has ended up with me once we learned the private county rescue (no kill) that my mom has donated to for over a decade couldn't take her and the kittens.  Abandoned kittens, sure.  A mother NURSING her kittens, not going to happen. How backwards is that crap?  She's healthy (thank God for no feline diseases or major issues given her first few years were wild), a good mother, and starved for attention and affection.  The months in my mom's home being cared for and loved on transformed her.  Unless you're a stranger to her in my home, one would never know she was feral. 

While my two felines haven't exactly accepted her since she came home to me post spay and weaning, no one is killing each other and all are settling into the transition better than expected.  We even get a few nose touches here and there between them without a hiss now.  Even weeks later when her last two kittens became too much for my mom to care for so they were transferred to my house with their mother.  We thought they all had homes but sadly the last two weren't given time to adjust in their new adopted environment with the other cats they owned, so they're back with me.  Some people have patience for it, some don't.  Needless to say, my son is over the moon to have his Pearl (black female) back at his computer with him.  Me, I just don't see myself with FIVE CATS to care for the next 20 years.  We still have those two kittens who need homes so if you know of anyone local to Northern Virginia or the Shenandoah Valley who understands that it's a "furever" time and financial commitment, have them contact me about them.

Family portrait less Mr. Independent who was always out exploring.

Come May and a real spring around here, those reminders in unconditional love and Bunny's transformation would come full circle.  Circumstances won't allow me to say all that I wish to say about the subject, but it's safe to say that I'm connecting more dots now in this area of the journey.  I'd been talking to my late friend's lover about life and how we only get a few people who come along that we "feel a pull" with, how we know them the moment we meet them.  Some stay, some don't.  That's not the point.  The point is recognizing and understanding that "pull" that says "I know you from before.  I feel like I know you.  I need to know you."  How these people seem Heaven sent or By Design.  When we follow the pull we end up finding out that they have a role to play in our growth and becoming.  A few weeks after that conversation with her, I found myself in another friend's home looking down at my phone muttering an "Ohhhhhhh SHIT" while looking at notifications.  Yep, that happened.  What's funny is that in the chaos of her home, she remembered it from the moment I mentioned something else weeks later.  An old friend and lover appeared from my past, someone I had hoped to reconnect with again one day, someone who was "a pull."  I found this even more profound considering some work I'd been doing about 4-6 weeks earlier, wherein I'd asked God/The Universe/The Super Subconscious to fetch something for me, the correct spelling of his last name.  It fetched all right, and way more than I bargained for at that moment in time.

Speaking of the Universe doing more than I bargained for and "pulls" in general, fast forward to June and doing something I love, working while indulging in live music and well, lets just say my life just transformed to an entirely different level.  We're talking about exiting one's comfort zone level.  Things I'll write and share to come.  A change that I'm still navigating with the freaky deakys in my life.  That's what I call all of the contact from the "other side" .....the messages, feelings, nudges, and information that comes at random whenever it wants to.  Needless to say, all is as it should be with that stuff.  I'm listening and I promise I'll continue to get out of its way.  I hope you'll listen too regarding your own nudges, pulls and moments of inspired thought.  They really are there for our greater good.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

   

Ding! Ding! Ding! THANK YOU Dr. Seuss

For someone who strives to be mindful on a daily basis of living in the here and now, it occurred to me on my way to my mother's house for our New Year's Day meal, that part of the mourning process I've been dancing with is essentially living in the past.  It was a true "ding-ding-ding" moment for me.  This is something I've read and known, but really didn't KNOW deep inside with an open acceptance.  

Reflecting on 2014 and all that came with it, and how it forever changed me and this path I'm navigating, it settled in.  I was driving down Happy Creek Road into town, in one of my favorite parts of the road where you have a view of the mountains and Randolph Macon Academy on the other side of town framed in the center up on the hill.  It's actually the stretch of road where about a 1/2 mile further up I turn to take the short cut through town, and pass along the way where Thomas is buried.  Clear as day I received the thought, "Don't be sad that it's over.  Smile because it happened."  I knew this was a quote or that there was a quote to this regard out there somewhere.  As soon as I arrived in Flint Hill, I looked it up on my phone.  

Well I'll be! Dr. Seuss!  Really? Heh, talk about full circle living right?  A book from childhood containing within it a "universal message."  It resonated so deeply and has stirred frequently since.  So much so that this is now my mantra for 2015 each time the grief Ninja creeps up and each time that I reel my thoughts back to the now and to finding gratitude.  As painful as 2014 was, with all of its stripping away and losing people, it was also a profound gift.  2014 was a constant in my face reminder of what matters most.  All of that loss and the fallout from the same gave me an understanding like no other that DEATH IS NOT THE END.  I don't care what your religious beliefs are.  This isn't about that.  This about our energy, what makes us, and our eternal self moving on to the next thing on its to do list.  That we're all connected.  That we can and do receive information from those who have passed on, as well as those we may have known in other lives or whom we've played with often on the other side.  That if we'll just be still, trust and listen, that guidance is all around us.  

Indeed, Dr. Seuss may have just helped me to create a whole lot more peace in the pain. Thank you.  I love you Dr. Seuss. 

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.  

Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore!

Losing people you love can make anyone feel crazy at times.  Thinking that you may be hearing, feeling and receiving from them after they're gone, well that phenomena, it takes the feeling crazy to an entirely new level.  At first I thought it was just a survival technique to cope after Thomas passed.  A game I was playing in my head to keep the conversations going this winter.  This, despite the fact that I've already come to accept that I receive information randomly for others close to me from their loved ones.  It's never been detailed communication though.  Up to now it's been feelings, a few words or gestures.  A nudge to reach out to whomever to check in on them.  I was comfortable with it because I could explain it.

Then the oh shit, how do I explain THIS moment happened.  Well, the first one at least.  A phone call.  A lengthy conversation with the family of a friend (Whom I didn't know before the person we both knew left us).  One of the first questions asked of me was if my deceased friend had confided in me about an incident eight months earlier between himself and this family member.  No, he had not.  However, since his passing, I had received a request that I didn't really understand from him and frankly was unwilling to do for him in its entirety.  Sitting in my office having this deep conversation, I couldn't believe what was was being told to me.  This fragile and sad person, I wanted so badly to tell her what he'd asked me to do after he passed as she shared the story, but I couldn't.  I was frozen in fear and in utter and unbelieveable shock.  I wasn't losing my mind afterall.  Wow, just wow.  Eventually we ended the call and all I could do was sit in silence with teary eyes mouthing the words thank you.  Thank you my dear friend for letting me know I'm not losing it.

What was exactly that he did want from me?  He wanted me to send her flowers on a specific upcoming Holiday and write on the note that he was "sorry about last year's" (the last one between them).  I agreed to take her flowers but I told him (if he was in fact really communicating with me telepathically) that there was NO WAY I'm going there with her with the apology.  It just wasn't my place to do so and I didn't want to cross that comfort river into the unknown.  I had no knowledge of what had transpired between them just 8 months before he passed.  Yet here she was on the phone affirming the why behind his request. 

Mother's Day Sunday would come, wherein I was to take her the flowers (and withholding the message), only to find her leaving town in her new toy for a view of the ocean.  At some point I hope to find the courage to sit her down and tell her about his visits since passing.  How she will receive it isn't for me to question, I know this.  I just have to find the courage to honor his place in our lives and open that door, to let her know beyond a shadow of any doubt that he does in fact live on.  For all I know, she's reading these very words and has already placed it together that I'm speaking about them.

It was the first time since Thomas passed that I realized that maybe I really WAS getting information from Thomas and others on their side of existence.  Yes, I knew things had been moved in my home unexplainably, just as I knew of others who have this phenomenon.  Despite the same, I was in resistance to what was going on with myself.

The second incident was sitting in my car talking with a girl I barely knew after a mutual friend's funeral.  Talking about our friend, he was all of a sudden there, loud and clear, giving me cold chills in the hot sunlight, making my heart race, my stomach flip and dumping word after word into my mind for her.  I'd never had that happen before.  I trusted her enough though in that moment to just blurt it all out and not fear judgment for the same.  I left that memorial service forever shifted into a new reality of what was possible.  It's one thing to watch others proclaim to be mediums, it's an entirely different thing to have it happen in your own life.  Indeed, holy shit balls, did that just really happen to us?

Then came two separate incidents of a personality I didn't know here popping in for a dear and close friend.  Both times it happened while traveling in the car with him and both times my friend also received in how own way as well.  These two incidents also created severe physical symptoms (similar to what some would term an anxiety attack) during the exchange of information and the second happened to occur at a time when my close friend felt comfortable enough to reach out to this guy's mother.

My friend wanted to make sense of all that was pouring out of me.  Some of it he could explain on his own and affirm, the rest of it he had to deliver to her to connect the dots.  Boy did she ever connect those dots.  He was blown away.  I was blown away and it was from that point forward that I decided that I seriously wasn't losing my mental capacities.  That something else was going on and that I just needed to learn to accept it and if possible, control it.  I wasn't scared.  I wasn't anxious.  I was just kinetically overwhelmed with that person's energy. As my friend said, "he was as strong in death as he was in life."  Sure, if that's how you explain it.

Bottom line, Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore.

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