Monday, October 12, 2015

One Crazy Summer - A Lesson in Remembering

Here's the thing about "the knowing" - sometimes the dots connect and make crystal clear sense and sometimes you "think you know" and you really don't know a darn thing because your sacred self and God have other plans for you ahead.

Take this past summer for instance.  I thought beyond a shadow of any doubt that where I was headed in late May was "it" and that all I'd ever wanted in "the one" was actually happening.  I was wide open, patient and trusting.  I'd asked God to bring forth someone who was worthy of me because I finally felt ready.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to trust.  To trust in God, to trust in him, to trust in myself.  Anyone who has ever been with a narcissist, psychopath or sociopath can understand how long the road is back to trusting.  How to do all three of the above is pretty much the perfect trifecta.  Because goodness knows, anyone who has survived such a relationship is fearful of repeating the same patterns and mistakes. 

This is where that whole fear vs faith thing comes in.  We can't have both.  We have to trust ourselves and the lessons we've learned on the way to the blessing.  To know that because we are better, that we will do better.  So, that's exactly what I did.  It's not like it was with a stranger either.  I've known this person for a very long time, for over half of  my life.  In fact, after I left my decade of narcissist and emotional abuser living behind me, for 4 1/2 years I told myself that I was worthy of someone who loved me the way this person from my past had loved me when I was too young, wild, and lacking the self worth to accept it back then.  There I was in May though, just a couple of short months after that conversation with God in my bathroom one evening, blown away that this very person that I used to "set the bar" for those to come, was suddenly back in my life seeking me out.  It was truly one of those "pinch me, is this really happening moments."

He said a lot of things and the pull between us was undoubtedly there.  Everything seemed so promising and fresh and exciting for what was to come.  I genuinely thought this was who God had made for me.  I was cautious however about a few things and discerning about my golden rule living motto.  As a result of this, I had expectations.  None of which were unrealistic.  As time marched on however, everything I thought I knew, I didn't and everything I'd been promised and hoped for was a lie.  On this journey of heartbreak, I was reminded of many things I'd learned since my decade of hell that started in 2001.  That's why I'll always have gratitude for this one crazy summer and my lesson in remembering. 

Oh the irony of this rock.  Thanks for nudging on him Mr. Grant.

I remembered that no matter what another person says to you, it's what they actually do that matters.  People can talk a good game when they need something from you.

I remembered how good it felt to be sought out and approached.

I remembered that it's okay to accept a man's compliments and his gestures of good will, caring and love, no matter how they were delivered.

I remembered that I am worth a hug, a massage, a morning text and an evening text.  Physical touch is still hard for me to embrace despite me being a very physical and loving person.  I love it but I'm still struggling to accept this Lipedema bullshit and what it's done to my body.  Having someone in my life who accepted it, supposedly loved me, and who didn't tear me down over it was incredibly refreshing.  It had been a couple of years since I'd experienced these things in the dating world. 

I remembered that no calls/no shows get no respect.

I remembered that it's important to have someone who gets this Knowing stuff.  Who can hold a long conversation with me about it and who is just as in awe of it all as I am.  How important it was to be able to come home from a concert in June having had my mind completely blown and being able to share openly and honestly about that experience in a trusting "she's not crazy" way.

I remembered with the passing of Wayne Dyer, whom I'm drafting a blog in honor of now, that I didn't want anyone in my life as a partner who didn't know his work and light in this world (or at least someone else cut from that same cloth).  Dr. Dyer was one of the most influential people in my adult life and saying goodbye to him hurts as much as saying goodbye to Thomas.

I remembered that hate, fear mongering and nonacceptance of others IS NOT FOR ME.  I don't mesh well with people who are ignorant to the evolution of the world.  If people love the same sex and want to be married, so be it.  Love always wins.  If people want to use Eastern medicine, essential oils, nutrition, teas and herbs to center and heal their lives, so be it.  I am not a judgmental person and I don't jive well with those who are full of fear, hate and political propaganda. We were built to love one another and to live as part of nature, not separate from it.

I remembered that I don't mesh well with workaholics either.  It's one thing to have your own business, passions, etc. that keep you engaged most waking hours.  That's NOT what I'm talking about here.  It's another thing to use a job you hate to escape the things in ones life that you're running from changing and accepting.  Yea, that will never work for me.

I remembered how to use my voice and to not feel bad for doing so.  That as a human being I have a right to ask for that which I want from a prospective partner.  If they can't do those simple, consistent and courteous things, I don't even want them in my life as a friend, let alone a lover.

I remembered to pay attention to how I was feeling and that my feelings are directly related to my thoughts.  If I was feeling stressed, disappointed and sad, it was because of how I was processing this person in my life.  That I was allowing this person to do these things to me.  I had the power to say no.  No to any more plans or phone calls after exhausting all chances that something was going to change.  No to being placed on a back burner.  No to not being communicated with in a courteous manner.  I mean really, who the in the hell makes plans to visit you at a hospital where you're having a parent checked out in the ER and then doesn't call, message or show?  It sure as hell isn't someone who says they love you.  That's not what love is.

I remembered that even if I give someone a dozen or more chances to make things right, that Maya Angelou was right, people show you who they are the first time, believe them.  

I remembered that I was okay, peaceful and happy with my life before this person returned to it and I'm just as okay, peaceful and happy now that they've shown me who they really are.

I remembered to trust God and my plan here.  To listen to my energies on the other side and to my own pulls.

I remembered that the heartache of this summer's outcome was for my greater good because I learned something and I'll take that lesson and my love forward elsewhere.

Lastly, I remembered beyond any shadow of a doubt that each and every lesson will eventually lead to a blessing.  I may be alone the rest of my life, I may not.  Either way, my joy in the day to day art of living won't be dependent on whether or not someone is pulled towards me and honors and cherishes my worth.  Of course I'm intending and manifesting the same but in the interim I'm appreciating what I do have.  My son who anchors me, my loving friends, doting parents who are fighting the good fight to stay here with me as long as they can, my unconditionally loving animals and the music that makes my heart sing.

See, even in the crazy, life can always be good and life can always be blessed.  Remember that.  I love you. Madly.  Deeply.  And with everything I've got.  XO 

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