Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Dots Along the Journey - What Now?

8.1.21... As I begin to write, I'm doing so, not knowing if or when I'll publish this one. I opened up the site to document the last 24 hours of zinging and zagging, vessels and the flow. It's difficult being a conduit and letting new people in. It's even more difficult when you want to tell those new people everything, but there's really no need to, or, they're not even asking, so, um, what's the point? Yesterday morning, being a light, I posted some pictures on my advocacy account on Instagram around my health situation. One of my wuwu friends and lipedema sisters left a comment that stirred up memories of the song Shine on You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd, so I told her the same and then dug out an old post about my legs around that same friend. Yesterday was also my first time out at a rock show since the pandemic started, as well as a day of seeing someone from my past, whom has shared some wuwu experiences with me over the years, specifically an incident in Arizona on a business trip. Nothing about that visit was noteworthy per say, until my phone showed me a text from a departed friend's momma, looking to connect some dots about something her son wrote the same day I put up this blog post. Today, as I'm dialing down on her questions, looking at old conversations, emails, texts and exchanges from a decade ago, I'm connecing new dots. Learning new truths. Remembering old ones. The truth is something my friend was always seeking, and the dots have always been something I have struggled with accepting, often arguing with them or running from them as they've transpired this incarnation. I've long believed that we're drawn to that which we most need to learn. Rereading that blog this morning about paying attention, that we are where we should be, stirred up everything I've ever known about Knowing, my teen years as a conduit, the neighborhood where those gifts were first tested, every single download, nudge and dot that's ever come to pass, and what I've learned the last 30+ years accepting these things as facts versus fiction. Including my last conversation with my grief and trauma counselor before she gave me homework a couple weeks ago for the next month or so that's making me retrace all of this old stuff anyway to take an inventory of what exactly I've overcome, that I more often than not tuck up on a shelf so that my brain can give itself dogma about how I expected things to be right now, versus how they are. I. Am. Shook. Equal parts weepy at it all, equal parts in utter awe of it all. And, it's a gorgeous day to now leave this computer behind, go meditate in the sunshine on the deck, let the messages come freely without my running from them, and prepare a response to the Momma who is just trying to heal her own shattered heart and finish her son's greatest wish, his book.

Sunday, August 1, 2021

The Next Chapter - The Not Knowing

7.25.21 - Accidently didn't hit publish...

 As time has passed and I've grown into this next chapter of life that I didn't document for this community, I've come to a place of acceptance that my expectations for what I expected of myself the last decade at Knowing and what birthed from the same are bigger than you or I.

Long before Knowing and Whole & Balanced Living, I was keeping a private blog with link only access. A blog I've been recently instructed to return to for review, as I do the sacred work of healing trauma around my father's passing Christmas Day, 2020.

Before I had the name for the 5 Claires life. Before I had the name for Lipedema, the genetic mess I deal with and have been dealing with since puberty. Before I knew that spirit and all that is or ever will be for us humans affirmed that we never really die. Before I reclaimed my worth and unapologetically started following my pulls, downloads and nudges. 

With ownership of all of the above comes vulnerability. Allowing people in who know, who see the shift in my energies and eyes when I'm not at the wheel, an exercise in trust.

Nothing hurt more over the years that having someone you love and trusted, embraced, who supposedly accepted it all, turn and run from it all. When someone who's all in starts questioning and calling you crazy. When they're injecting dark beliefs and dark thoughts into the light. 

My softer side really wishes things could be as they were with that person, versus fear and mental health struggles taking them away from what we were building that was bigger than either of us. I even still pray and send this person reiki love, protection and healing energies. 

Nonetheless, as I heal what happened the last few years that I had no control over, I am remembering who I was and who I am today, beyond the limiting thoughts or belief systems came to rest in my being here and there along the journey.

I'm grateful for what today holds. For the light in the darkness. For the knowing. For the 5 Claires life. For having a vision, purpose and calling.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my dots along the journey that have brought wisdom, passion, and love into my life. I love my tribe and my life by design people. 

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Life "After" a Global Crisis

Here we are, humanity, trying to makes heads or tails of the craziest year and a half most of us can remember. 

Did this bring us together, or tear us apart? Did the loss of life, income and opportunity make you bitter or push you out of your comfort zones? 

Are you still suffering? It feels as if most of the planet still is, and that we're really no better off than we were when the news broke. 

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. All I do know is that we have to put ourselves first. We have to take care of our health, our bodies, those things within our control, as best we can. 

We have to let go of people who are toxic and who bring harm in hard times. In the same breath, we need to know the difference between intentional harm and harm as a result of mental distress. There are many good eggs out there who are spiraling through this mess and that spiral looks and feels like something it really isn't if you take the time to see past the rants and look at the person behind them. 

The world is at its highest recorded numbers of mental illness, suicide and addiction use. Keep this in mind when you're operating out in the world. If you have love to give, radiate it. If you need love, ask for it. We're all still in this together, whether we like it or not.