Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The Letting Go - Exchanging Bitterness for Gratitude & Peace

A couple of weeks ago I finally finished an interview I'd been watching on YouTube with Alanis Morissette. She was talking to Oprah in a Super Soul Sunday segment.  I've gone without cable or a dish service for over five years now and in all honesty, besides a once in awhile sports event, I only miss Master Class and some of Oprah's segments interviewing people who have beneficial knowledge to share.  

I grew up listening to Alanis.  I wasn't watching because of her music though, I was watching because I felt a "nudge" to do so in that she's been to India and I'm drawn there as well for reasons I can't quite articulate.  I was deeply moved by the exchange of words between Oprah and Alanis during the interview.  So many things Alanis said reminded me of my connection to Thomas, the people I met because of him, and to my conversations with Dave.  When she said that she loves most the "connecting" that she does with others, as was being done in that conversation, it reminded me of how ecstatic I get over the same.  And how much I miss the little group that Thomas brought into my house each Tuesday night wherein we would connect, learn and share.  I've been pulled to start something of that nature again, but more of a teleconference thing versus an in home thing because frankly, those who I wish to be a part of it aren't all close enough to drive on over.  I think going into the new year that I just need to quit thinking about it and just do it.  It's time and I do believe I'm ready to embrace that idea.

Which brings me to another item that I need to quit thinking about and just do. I'm still struggling with embracing what is versus what was.  Bitterness had settled into my heart and that's not healthy for any of us.  I've been thinking A LOT about that as well here lately.  Thinking about my steps in moving forward and how I'd been stuck not "unfriending" the person who is broken and whom disappointed not only myself, but my entire family. How there's this part of me that's not right to think, "go ahead and follow and watch me through the fishbowl have a wonderful and joyous life without your presence in it....suffer knowing what you ruined didn't ruin me."  It's just not right.  

Who I am though is the person who sees people beyond their brokenness. I see people at their highest selves and I believe in them, even when they do things that really aren't for me to explain or understand.  I think this is why I come back together with friends who have hurt me who are broken too.  Because I try my best to live with God in my heart to forgive people and to move forward, even if the friendship isn't as it was before.  That's what unconditional love is after all, to see someone in all their ugly places and to love them anyway.  However, that doesn't mean we lower our standards or subject ourselves to people who can't even give a courtesy text or call when you're sitting in the emergency room with your dad or who are emotionally abusive as my ex-husband was.  Nope, that stuff we let go, and we love from afar without the person in our day-to-day art of living.

Then, just two days ago, before drafting this initial blog (for whatever reason the original disappeared after posting) as the Universe so loving likes to do, a sweet friend messaged me digging deeper into trying to understand that word and why I was using it to describe why I wasn't dating again yet or even really allowing myself to be open towards the same. She said, "Why are you holding on to the bitterness though? I'm not judging, I'm not saying you're wrong, each in our own time. But, you seem to me that you would take that emotion and set it free upon the wind, releasing yourself from its grasp. Is it just too soon? Is it because of the nature of the situation?" We talked about it for a while.  She was so worried she'd overstepped boundaries but I assured her she'd not, that her questions and later a story about her own life, were a welcome conversation out loud bringing forth "work" that needed to be done by myself to trust my own advice, downloads, nudges and to BE THANKFUL for where it brings me today.  Thankful versus bitter.

Sometimes people aren't who they say they are.  That's okay.  It's not about YOU or ME, it's about THEM.  I often tell my closest friends that we should never let someone change who we are in a negative way.  Relationships are about love and its various stages.  They're about getting to the point with someone out there who creates a wellness in you, a healing of sorts.  Someone who, because they're in your life, you want to and do become a better person.  

This person who hurt me and disappointed me, they gave me a beautiful gift in the end.  They reminded me of what it was like, if only for a short while, of what I wanted.  And in the end, what I didn't want.  I learned something and they prepared me for the next "pull" that comes along.  No matter how much my expectations were shattered, and how much my family was hurt in the process, I have to trust and have faith that all is as it should be.  I have to follow my own advice and not change who I am because of what transpired.  I have to choose not to be bitter and to be open.  So today, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Thank you to my sweet friend who allowed the Universe to use her in that way.  Thank you to the guy, who I know is reading this, for reminding me of what I was worthy of and giving me that for a brief moment in time before your true nature was seen.  And thank you to my tribe, old and new, who keep me on my toes and who serve as a mirror at times to help me evolve.  We're all in this together.  Remember that.  I love you.

“It is the nature of the world of form that nothing stays fixed for very long - and so it starts to fall apart again. Forms dissolve; new forms arise. Watch the clouds. They will teach you about the world of form.”- Eckhart Tolle

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.