Thursday, February 4, 2016

Into The Great Wide Open

2016 started in grand memorable fashion, greeting myself, my mom, my son and a friend with one heck of an illness that I picked up during my own December hospitalization.  One that would linger for weeks and place my mom in the hospital for couple of them, including a scary week in ICU.  We're all gratefully on the mend now and digging out from multiple feet of snow thanks to Winter Storm Jonas.

There's something to a big winter storm.  It makes you focus.  You have to be prepared and have a good attitude about it or you'll be miserable during the entire thing.  And guess what, it's not going to change because of your mood so you might as well embrace it.  Being stuck at home for 8 days solo was an interesting test of spirit as well.  Thank goodness for power and all its creature comforts i.e. phone calls with the outside world, texts, the internet.  Being forced to be still however still makes one think. A lot.  Reading is normal around here but there was much more of that happening too.

I know I've written here recently about pushing myself outside of my comfort zones.  Heck, I just let hair dye touch my head after 16 years.  Those who know me well figured hell would be frozen over for that one to happen.  True story.  Look.  My regular hair dresser doesn't do color and laying in that hospital post stroke, I wanted a change and to do stuff I'd thought about but not pulled the trigger on yet in life.  My friend Teresa from high school did a fantastic job giving me something natural and low maintenance.  I couldn't be happier.  Anyone in Northern Virginia can find her at her salon TJ's Hair Studio.  Special thanks to my friend Deri for that awesome hair makeover gift too!  She's only bugged me to do it since we reconnected on Facebook years ago.

Before & After w/ Flash at TJ's Hair Studio - My Pics
After image no flash.  Work and picture by Teresa at TJ's Hair Studio in Alexandria, VA.

While I've made peace with last summer and the lessons it brought, I'll be honest and say I'm also realizing I'm in a transitional place personal life.  There's something about facing your own bumps in the road such as my recent hospitalization and then virus picked up there after when I got home that ravaged my family that makes you look back.  You can't help it being forced to be still.  The mind likes to go where it wants and it's our discernment that determines how amuck it runs.

I can remember thinking how nice it would of been to not facing those obstacles without him, to have that comfort and love.  Him being the one who couldn't even make a phone call when I was sitting in another hospital with my own father one Saturday evening in August.  The one who no longer gets to run his fingers through that hair or receive the "before and after" hair cut day photos by text while at work.  Knowing what I learned in hindsight, I feel as if the Universe was preparing me for the next experiences down the road.  That's what I'm at peace with, the process.  I can see now where that pain of "not having" though in those recent struggles in turn opened me up to one day wanting someone special around again.  Before them, I was content just going without and with human nature, that's not exactly normal.  We're built to be together.

Knowing this, I've been pruning back certain areas in order to make room for new growth.  I have this idea in my head that I need to get the parents situations behind me and my Lipedema (google it, it sucks, but it doesn't define me - well, I'm learning it doesn't) treated before moving forward to allow myself to be open again.  Therein is the problem, I'm playing the "when this happens, then this will be" game and that's just silly.  Life happens.  Pulls happen.  There's never a better time than the present moment.

I'm not stupid though.  I know if I need to have some things in order to not have them cloud the now, that I should wait and do said things before endeavoring to go there.  In the six years since I left Jennifer's father, I've spent more of it alone than with another person.  And that's okay because I knew what needed to happen in my own life to not carry forth the past onto the present.

Lets just say it's safe to say I'm darn careful about who meets my son too.  Two got to that point and I'm bummed in a way it even happened because Tristan then has to learn to navigate loss and more change in his life.  Aspergers and typically the autistic in general don't like change. Hard to believe he's 20 months away from being an adult but yeah, if I can spare him another heartache, I'll continue to keep my personal life and him separated until such time as I know it's worth bringing him into the fold.

Part of doing things undone is staying open.  As such, I've decided to stay open while giving myself 2016 to tidy up where things are in life, especially with a high school graduation on the horizon in 2018, ailing parents and my own calendar keeping me grounded and on the go.  It's not that I can't or I won't, it's just that I'm not procuring. I'm living day in and day out enjoying my surroundings, my people and the memories we're making.  What's rather interesting is that I recently learned that I have a few in my circle who for their own reasons, are basically doing the same thing.  How do you like those apples?  Birds of a feather flock together. Into the great wide open we go.  Wherever the destination, it shall be worth it.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2016 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.