The Letting Go - Exchanging Bitterness for Gratitude & Peace

A couple of weeks ago I finally finished an interview I'd been watching on YouTube with Alanis Morissette. She was talking to Oprah in a Super Soul Sunday segment.  I've gone without cable or a dish service for over five years now and in all honesty, besides a once in awhile sports event, I only miss Master Class and some of Oprah's segments interviewing people who have beneficial knowledge to share.  

I grew up listening to Alanis.  I wasn't watching because of her music though, I was watching because I felt a "nudge" to do so in that she's been to India and I'm drawn there as well for reasons I can't quite articulate.  I was deeply moved by the exchange of words between Oprah and Alanis during the interview.  So many things Alanis said reminded me of my connection to Thomas, the people I met because of him, and to my conversations with Dave.  When she said that she loves most the "connecting" that she does with others, as was being done in that conversation, it reminded me of how ecstatic I get over the same.  And how much I miss the little group that Thomas brought into my house each Tuesday night wherein we would connect, learn and share.  I've been pulled to start something of that nature again, but more of a teleconference thing versus an in home thing because frankly, those who I wish to be a part of it aren't all close enough to drive on over.  I think going into the new year that I just need to quit thinking about it and just do it.  It's time and I do believe I'm ready to embrace that idea.

Which brings me to another item that I need to quit thinking about and just do. I'm still struggling with embracing what is versus what was.  Bitterness had settled into my heart and that's not healthy for any of us.  I've been thinking A LOT about that as well here lately.  Thinking about my steps in moving forward and how I'd been stuck not "unfriending" the person who is broken and whom disappointed not only myself, but my entire family. How there's this part of me that's not right to think, "go ahead and follow and watch me through the fishbowl have a wonderful and joyous life without your presence in it....suffer knowing what you ruined didn't ruin me."  It's just not right.  

Who I am though is the person who sees people beyond their brokenness. I see people at their highest selves and I believe in them, even when they do things that really aren't for me to explain or understand.  I think this is why I come back together with friends who have hurt me who are broken too.  Because I try my best to live with God in my heart to forgive people and to move forward, even if the friendship isn't as it was before.  That's what unconditional love is after all, to see someone in all their ugly places and to love them anyway.  However, that doesn't mean we lower our standards or subject ourselves to people who can't even give a courtesy text or call when you're sitting in the emergency room with your dad or who are emotionally abusive as my ex-husband was.  Nope, that stuff we let go, and we love from afar without the person in our day-to-day art of living.

Then, just two days ago, before drafting this initial blog (for whatever reason the original disappeared after posting) as the Universe so loving likes to do, a sweet friend messaged me digging deeper into trying to understand that word and why I was using it to describe why I wasn't dating again yet or even really allowing myself to be open towards the same. She said, "Why are you holding on to the bitterness though? I'm not judging, I'm not saying you're wrong, each in our own time. But, you seem to me that you would take that emotion and set it free upon the wind, releasing yourself from its grasp. Is it just too soon? Is it because of the nature of the situation?" We talked about it for a while.  She was so worried she'd overstepped boundaries but I assured her she'd not, that her questions and later a story about her own life, were a welcome conversation out loud bringing forth "work" that needed to be done by myself to trust my own advice, downloads, nudges and to BE THANKFUL for where it brings me today.  Thankful versus bitter.

Sometimes people aren't who they say they are.  That's okay.  It's not about YOU or ME, it's about THEM.  I often tell my closest friends that we should never let someone change who we are in a negative way.  Relationships are about love and its various stages.  They're about getting to the point with someone out there who creates a wellness in you, a healing of sorts.  Someone who, because they're in your life, you want to and do become a better person.  

This person who hurt me and disappointed me, they gave me a beautiful gift in the end.  They reminded me of what it was like, if only for a short while, of what I wanted.  And in the end, what I didn't want.  I learned something and they prepared me for the next "pull" that comes along.  No matter how much my expectations were shattered, and how much my family was hurt in the process, I have to trust and have faith that all is as it should be.  I have to follow my own advice and not change who I am because of what transpired.  I have to choose not to be bitter and to be open.  So today, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Thank you to my sweet friend who allowed the Universe to use her in that way.  Thank you to the guy, who I know is reading this, for reminding me of what I was worthy of and giving me that for a brief moment in time before your true nature was seen.  And thank you to my tribe, old and new, who keep me on my toes and who serve as a mirror at times to help me evolve.  We're all in this together.  Remember that.  I love you.

“It is the nature of the world of form that nothing stays fixed for very long - and so it starts to fall apart again. Forms dissolve; new forms arise. Watch the clouds. They will teach you about the world of form.”- Eckhart Tolle

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved. For personal use only. Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed. Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

Taking Inventory - Masterful Choices

November 7, 2015

Time, it really doesn't stop when we do.  I find myself mere hours away from another date that's bittersweet, reflecting on what was and hanging on for life to the here and now.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about those who've gone home.  This time of year however is different now.  I find myself for about six weeks or so struggling to stay in a place of acceptance.  Of making sense of it all.  Of holding onto what was right for the 3 years I was honored to know Thomas Grant IV, versus getting angry or bitter over what was taken away from us all.

The last month, my favorite time of year, and in all honesty, my favorite month, has been more than interesting for 2015.  Given the battle within, October brought with it a whirlwind reprieve of discoveries and aha moments.  So much so that I had to start keeping track just to make sure I was in fact, not losing my mind over what I was experiencing.  Anyone who knows me and interacts with me can tell you that I find joy in the whimsy of life that makes one wonder.  To repetitively have information and evidence of the things unseen is enough to make anyone's head spin.  It's not like I'm special either.  My understanding and experiences have been that we can all do it.  We can all tune in and connect.  Seriously, I'm not special when it comes to these things (repetitive, absolutely!).  We can all sit here in stupefied awe at the wonders of it all.

As I navigate the last of this year, instead of being sad or letting winter bring its blues, I'm staying mindful in focusing on the gratitude.  Focusing on those things which I've learned, that which has brought positive growth, and memories of what lies ahead.  Being grateful for the pulls in life too has helped.  I tell you what, when you take inventory of them, of the pulls and the wins, and list to digest what each and every pull has brought you forward in your journey, you step back in utter awe of it all.  You get under your skin this invisible cloak of trust.  A way of operating in the world wherein you listen to what guides you from within.  You become fearless and when you do fall, you don't stay down for long before you decide to get back up again.

Is it easy to be this way?  Heck no.  It takes a whole lot of mindfulness and endless practice.  It's truly a moment by moment thing sometimes.  We experience.  We react.  We reflect.  We plan.  Then we go at it all over again.

Is it worth it?  You bet your sweet ass it is.  Is sure beats the flip side of being down in the muck with the darkness, slave to our circumstances.  I don't wish that darkness upon anyone, not even my least favorite people.  Doubt, fear and feeling pitiful are part of the human condition.  However, they're not the destination.  They're simply hurdles to jump as we progress on down the road.  I've long been told and believe that we're our greatest victor as well as our most annoying opponent in life.  Kudos to my extended family and friends for keeping me mindful of the true battle in life, the battle of the mind.   Without a doubt, it's the greatest thing we'll ever learn to master.

Remember that.
I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.  

The Mirror: Relationships 101 - A Litmus Test

As a survivor of narcissistic, psychopathic and sociopathic abuse, I learned A LOT by screwing up my own life to be able to pound these keys to share the following.  Adding to that decade of wrong choices is two decades of working with clients going through divorces and planning their estates.  Lets just say that I have a very directed point of view about what does and doesn't work in relationships.  

I'm back to this area of life sharing because I have a few friends struggling to stay afloat in the rapids of significant other love.  One is trying to leave a narcissist and sociopath whom they share a child with.  Another is repeating low self worth behaviors with a new abuser.  One has a lazy partner who doesn't know how to covet what he wants and projects his own insecurities upon her.  And another is so desperate to be loved, honored and cherished that they've been blinded by what is versus what they want and actually deserve.  I mean damn, was I just not writing in my last blog about my own journey in remembering and letting go of someone who wasn't there for my greater good?  That's how this life is though.  It brings to the forefront people I love seeking comfort, guidance and advice of things that mirror mine or another's evolution of self.  I get to receive downloads and inspired thoughts for them, who are in effect being used as a tool to teach another person I love, sometimes even myself.

As you embark upon the last two months of this year, I really want you to connect with what's coming through right now for each of you below.  To listen and receive what's pulling on you in your life that deserves your attention.  That way, when we greet 2016, you will have set yourself up for your best year of sorting yet in Life Department Love.  Sit down.  Light some Nag.  Walk on the shore. Absorb what I'm about to say.  Then act damn it.  ACT.  You are far too precious in this world to not know these things and those with children, they are watching and learning what we do.

Ladies and gentlemen, if the person in your life doesn't bring you peace, understanding and grace, they're not there in your life to fix those things in them.  They're there in your life to remind you of what you don't want.  Of what you don't deserve.  Of what you're working towards.  Those of you who know me understand that although I'm not a religious person, that I do love God and take away from the Bible many of its Universal teachings.  One that I've learned to apply in my own life is from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  The one that says...

What I basically do now with everyone allowed personal time with me is to hold them to this standard.  Friends, coworkers, family and lovers; no one is immune from it.  I just replace their name with the word Love and see if the person measures up to be worthy of my efforts, time and attention.  So, ask yourself these hard questions and be open to prune away those not serving your greatest good.  Some will need to be gone for good.  Others you'll need to learn how to put healthy boundaries in place for.  After all, we can't pick new fruit if our hands are full of that which is rotten.

1.  Is he/she patient?

We're not talking the typical Nita wants what she wants, when she wants it, today is for the living, where was I again when patience was given away as a virtue?  We're talking about you and your evolution of self.  Do the people in your life allow for your own personal growth?  Do they stay the course?  Do they know how to wait on God to do his work through you and in you?

2.  Is he/she kind?

Hello! Stop sign!  This is not about when someone wants something from you.  Is the person kind?  To animals.  To others.  To that pain in the ass who just cut them off in traffic when they've already had a crazy stressful day.  How does this person handle stress and the day-to-day art of living?  Are they mean or do they strive to lead with love and be kind?

3.  Is he/she jealous?

We're not talking territorial here.  We're talking flat out lack of self esteem and self worth envy. The not believing or knowing one's worth.  The being driven by fear of loss to not trust with every fiber of your being that this person in your life is there for a reason, and even if that reason doesn't last, their lessons left upon your life will IF YOU ALLOW THEM TO.

4.  Does he/she boast?

Boasting is ego rooted.  It comes from a lack of connection to source.  Of not understanding the laws of intention, attraction and action.  Boasting comes from a lack of sense of self.  Humble people know they have God given talents and can be amusing in their assertions, but when it comes down to it, they won't take credit for what flows through them to help another.  They sow seeds of good deeds not for praise, but for what they're doing.  Simply to be a light.  To do good in the world for another.

5.  Is he/she proud?

This is not about "I met my sales goals last month.  Whoo hoo!" or "Hello my friend, do I not have the best ever magic hands?" or "Mom, I'm on the honor roll again (hint hint, where's my money)."  This is about people who have a lack of self esteem and self worth who build themselves upon being prideful.  They don't get that just being themselves IS ENOUGH.  That being patient, kind and loving is enough.  Again, boasting is rooted in a lack of self worth.  It's a caution sign of sorts in dealing with other people and operates much like jealousy and pride.  All of these things are rooted in fear and lack.

6.  Does he/she easily anger?

While some moodiness is chemical in nature, most is attitude and a lack of regard for others.  A lack of golden rule living in the heat of the moment kind of thing.  Note the word EASILY above.  Is he/she thick skinned?  Can they navigate the world in such a way that little things aren't big things? Anger is a symptom of other issues.  It's a trigger for change needed and a reflection of fear.  Anger is often about control.  Those who anger easily have much personal evolution to work on and remember, it's NOT YOUR ROLE to fix them.  That's between them and God.

7.  Does he/she keep a record of your wrongs?

Oh yes, the laundry list.  You know, that list that comes out each and every time a new issue comes up that needs discussion and growth in.  The record of every mistake you ever made or personality flaw you've ever had with the other person.  Score keeping is rooted in control.  It's a way for a person to feel at home in a victim role.  It's how those with a lack of sense of worth and self navigate their broken world. The opposite is letting go of wrongs, of knowing we're all human and here to fail and make mistakes.  We're not a definition of those mistakes, we're a definition of who we allow ourselves to become in light of them.

8.  Does he/she delight in suffering?

Wallow in negative things?  Hurt other people?  All of which could be considered evil.  My mom has a great saying, "Some people have a need to suffer."  That's their path.  Not mine.  Not yours.  Not your employees.  They just don't know how to survive without creating chaos.  Their entire identity is about the struggle or their victimhood.

9.  Does he/she rejoice when truth is spoken?

When the Universal Knowledge of life flows?  When one graciously with love corrects or points out an unsavory behavior?  Or does the person fight you tooth and nail, dancing with denial, projecting their own issues upon you?  None of us like to be corrected.  None of us like to learn that we're hurting another person.  Denial is a defensive mechanism of learning truth.  Trust me, and look me in the eye when I say this, YOU WILL REPEAT YOUR MISTAKES UNTIL YOU LEARN THE LESSONS IN THEM.  So will others.  This is when we REALLY have to work on our egos to lead with love. To humbly accept another's opinion of where we're going ary and to ask God and our guides for guidance in showing us the truth behind them, including where we can improve as people.

10.  Does he/she protect you?

When you're not on your A game, do they help to guide you?  Does the person remind you of your hurts so that you don't repeat them?  Do they help you pivot your thoughts to those that are empowering versus damaging to your being?  Do they protect you?  From the world, but mostly from yourself?

11.  Does he/she have unwavering trust in you?

Life is too finite to live it with people who don't trust and believe in you.  We have an obligation to be honest and unfiltered first.  We must own who we are, flaws and all, before we can trust in another.  We must see the beauty in imperfection within ourselves before we can trust it in another.  Once we get this lesson, it's so much easier to sort the people in our lives who trust in us.

12.  Does he/she always have a hopeful attitude?

Are they a positive in your life?  Do they help you to pivot your thoughts away from what some term "evil" which is basically any negative thought that defeats all your glory?  This is where trusting themselves comes in.  If one can trust, it's much easier to be hopeful.  Hope of better days is what gets us going in the darkness of life.  Dark doesn't like light in biblical terms.  Things can't grow in the darkness until they've adapted to do so for millions if not billions of years of evolution.  We're homosapians, not miracle workers.  We grow and thrive in the light.  Hope is light.

13.  Does he/she work to preserve you?

Again, are the people in your life looking out for your greater good?  Do they actually do the work and say the words that preserve what's right and good about you?  Your work ethic.  Your being.  Your example to the world.  Are they for you or are they against you?  Don't settle for anything less than someone who can see right through you and still believe in your highest good.  Someone who treasures what you bring to the table of their life.  Someone who inspires you to save yourself because again, we cannot fix each other.  We just simply get to be part of their toolbox and blueprint going forward.  Know the difference.  God/The Universe help people to fix themselves.  Not us.  Yes, I'm being repetitive.  That's how we learn.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.    

One Crazy Summer - A Lesson in Remembering

Here's the thing about "the knowing" - sometimes the dots connect and make crystal clear sense and sometimes you "think you know" and you really don't know a darn thing because your sacred self and God have other plans for you ahead.

Take this past summer for instance.  I thought beyond a shadow of any doubt that where I was headed in late May was "it" and that all I'd ever wanted in "the one" was actually happening.  I was wide open, patient and trusting.  I'd asked God to bring forth someone who was worthy of me because I finally felt ready.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to trust.  To trust in God, to trust in him, to trust in myself.  Anyone who has ever been with a narcissist, psychopath or sociopath can understand how long the road is back to trusting.  How to do all three of the above is pretty much the perfect trifecta.  Because goodness knows, anyone who has survived such a relationship is fearful of repeating the same patterns and mistakes. 

This is where that whole fear vs faith thing comes in.  We can't have both.  We have to trust ourselves and the lessons we've learned on the way to the blessing.  To know that because we are better, that we will do better.  So, that's exactly what I did.  It's not like it was with a stranger either.  I've known this person for a very long time, for over half of  my life.  In fact, after I left my decade of narcissist and emotional abuser living behind me, for 4 1/2 years I told myself that I was worthy of someone who loved me the way this person from my past had loved me when I was too young, wild, and lacking the self worth to accept it back then.  There I was in May though, just a couple of short months after that conversation with God in my bathroom one evening, blown away that this very person that I used to "set the bar" for those to come, was suddenly back in my life seeking me out.  It was truly one of those "pinch me, is this really happening moments."

He said a lot of things and the pull between us was undoubtedly there.  Everything seemed so promising and fresh and exciting for what was to come.  I genuinely thought this was who God had made for me.  I was cautious however about a few things and discerning about my golden rule living motto.  As a result of this, I had expectations.  None of which were unrealistic.  As time marched on however, everything I thought I knew, I didn't and everything I'd been promised and hoped for was a lie.  On this journey of heartbreak, I was reminded of many things I'd learned since my decade of hell that started in 2001.  That's why I'll always have gratitude for this one crazy summer and my lesson in remembering. 

Oh the irony of this rock.  Thanks for nudging on him Mr. Grant.

I remembered that no matter what another person says to you, it's what they actually do that matters.  People can talk a good game when they need something from you.

I remembered how good it felt to be sought out and approached.

I remembered that it's okay to accept a man's compliments and his gestures of good will, caring and love, no matter how they were delivered.

I remembered that I am worth a hug, a massage, a morning text and an evening text.  Physical touch is still hard for me to embrace despite me being a very physical and loving person.  I love it but I'm still struggling to accept this Lipedema bullshit and what it's done to my body.  Having someone in my life who accepted it, supposedly loved me, and who didn't tear me down over it was incredibly refreshing.  It had been a couple of years since I'd experienced these things in the dating world. 

I remembered that no calls/no shows get no respect.

I remembered that it's important to have someone who gets this Knowing stuff.  Who can hold a long conversation with me about it and who is just as in awe of it all as I am.  How important it was to be able to come home from a concert in June having had my mind completely blown and being able to share openly and honestly about that experience in a trusting "she's not crazy" way.

I remembered with the passing of Wayne Dyer, whom I'm drafting a blog in honor of now, that I didn't want anyone in my life as a partner who didn't know his work and light in this world (or at least someone else cut from that same cloth).  Dr. Dyer was one of the most influential people in my adult life and saying goodbye to him hurts as much as saying goodbye to Thomas.

I remembered that hate, fear mongering and nonacceptance of others IS NOT FOR ME.  I don't mesh well with people who are ignorant to the evolution of the world.  If people love the same sex and want to be married, so be it.  Love always wins.  If people want to use Eastern medicine, essential oils, nutrition, teas and herbs to center and heal their lives, so be it.  I am not a judgmental person and I don't jive well with those who are full of fear, hate and political propaganda. We were built to love one another and to live as part of nature, not separate from it.

I remembered that I don't mesh well with workaholics either.  It's one thing to have your own business, passions, etc. that keep you engaged most waking hours.  That's NOT what I'm talking about here.  It's another thing to use a job you hate to escape the things in ones life that you're running from changing and accepting.  Yea, that will never work for me.

I remembered how to use my voice and to not feel bad for doing so.  That as a human being I have a right to ask for that which I want from a prospective partner.  If they can't do those simple, consistent and courteous things, I don't even want them in my life as a friend, let alone a lover.

I remembered to pay attention to how I was feeling and that my feelings are directly related to my thoughts.  If I was feeling stressed, disappointed and sad, it was because of how I was processing this person in my life.  That I was allowing this person to do these things to me.  I had the power to say no.  No to any more plans or phone calls after exhausting all chances that something was going to change.  No to being placed on a back burner.  No to not being communicated with in a courteous manner.  I mean really, who the in the hell makes plans to visit you at a hospital where you're having a parent checked out in the ER and then doesn't call, message or show?  It sure as hell isn't someone who says they love you.  That's not what love is.

I remembered that even if I give someone a dozen or more chances to make things right, that Maya Angelou was right, people show you who they are the first time, believe them.  

I remembered that I was okay, peaceful and happy with my life before this person returned to it and I'm just as okay, peaceful and happy now that they've shown me who they really are.

I remembered to trust God and my plan here.  To listen to my energies on the other side and to my own pulls.

I remembered that the heartache of this summer's outcome was for my greater good because I learned something and I'll take that lesson and my love forward elsewhere.

Lastly, I remembered beyond any shadow of a doubt that each and every lesson will eventually lead to a blessing.  I may be alone the rest of my life, I may not.  Either way, my joy in the day to day art of living won't be dependent on whether or not someone is pulled towards me and honors and cherishes my worth.  Of course I'm intending and manifesting the same but in the interim I'm appreciating what I do have.  My son who anchors me, my loving friends, doting parents who are fighting the good fight to stay here with me as long as they can, my unconditionally loving animals and the music that makes my heart sing.

See, even in the crazy, life can always be good and life can always be blessed.  Remember that.  I love you. Madly.  Deeply.  And with everything I've got.  XO 

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.    

Dare to Jump - Navigating the "Perfect Storm"

Earlier this month I mentioned that I would cover an episode of transcendence. I've said before that when I started making Knowing public via this blog that I was doing so pass along the beneficial knowledge of life, to be able to help others.  I never "knew" or thought that it would evolve into what it's morphing into today.  A day to day life of nudges, downloads and occasional visits from entities who have once incarnated here and since gone home to the other side.  I still don't get it or understand it all and I doubt I ever will.  I don't think that's the point however.  As much as we humans love to know answers, I think some answers won't come until we close our eyes that one last time and make the leap ourselves back into full spirit form.  I think the point of these changes in my own journey is to simply hold my attention (short attention span theater say what) long enough to keep me on my toes.  All kidding aside, it takes a lot of removing one's own ego to TRUST what one is receiving for another.  To have the courage to open one's mouth and reach.  I experienced my hardest reach yet and I wanted to share it with you here in hopes that the next time you're on your own self inflicted fence, that you'll act and get out of your own way as I did that fateful night.

What happened was that I found myself in another state and another town "playing team" for an old friend.  Live music at a venue I'd always wanted to get to for other events but that never manifested due to other situations taking the wheel of life.  Even my friend of 19 years who was performing was an important part of what occurred that evening.  Today as I pen this blog, she's performing in New York on their largest bill yet, KROCKATHON.  I was supposed to be at their EP Release in Baltimore at Otto Bar the week after the Baltimore riots and that didn't manifest either due to health issues on my end so this show on June 12th was important in many ways.  The venue.  The artist.  The getting to say congratulations, this EP is magnificent in person talk.  Little did I know just how all be design it really was.  I'd even invited friends to attend with me.  Friends who couldn't come or who had to back out at the last moment, leaving me flying solo with my friend, her band, other patrons and my own thoughts and the nudges that would come later as the evening progressed.  Even her merchandise volunteer didn't show up, which put me in that area for a while and allowed me to fulfill that little need for them while they performed their set.  

After their performance, I went to watch the next artist, someone new to me whom I was "pulled" towards by Spirit from the moment they walked in the room for sound check.  Not the "who are you" pull but the "pay attention Nita and listen" pull.  My friend was so excited to see this artist live but she couldn't leave her band duties to go up there so I gladly volunteered and went up to take photos for both of us and see what this "pull" was all about.  Standing there is when I first felt him, someone present from over there.  Someone really strong and really persistent.  I tried to ignore him.  I was enjoying the music, even singing along to songs "as if I knew them" which to this day, I can't really explain.  The energy was incredibly intense. So intense as time passed that it became unbearable.  I had to get back, to get away from where it was directing me.

I returned to the "safety" of the merchandise table and my friend, visibly shaken and a bit wigged out.  I told her what was happening, for I trust her and know she won't make fun of me or judge me on these things I can't explain.  I told her what I was receiving and she turned white and almost started crying, saying, "You don't know, do you?"  "Know what girly?" "........." (what she shared, that I'm holding privately for this blog).  No, I didn't.  Immediately I wanted to throw up.  She told me that she and this artist were Facebook friends and that's how she knew.  She was so shaken she needed a drink and couldn't walk to the bar to get it and I was so shaken I wanted to leave as fast as humanly possible.  I also "knew" that I needed to in some way push myself past my "stranger danger" zone and tell this person I did not know what was happening.  I was terrified.  

I found myself making a very difficult decision.  Next thing I know, they're tearing down their merchandise table and packing up and the person in question is standing next to me, taking on that table to connect with their new fans.  What to do?  What to do?  What to do Nita?  I pulled out my notepad for work and flipped it over and started writing, hand shaking.  Upon finishing the same, I walked over and gave it to him, apologizing that I had to leave, and instructing him not to read it until he left the venue.  I then bolted.  I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friend.  I sat in my car for about a half hour trying to get my energy under control enough to leave, telling the energy on the other side to let off enough to let me do what I needed to do to get home.

I went home and that energy stayed with me all weekend.  We talked some (that energy and I) and I promised to leave a door open.  Within 3 days, I was awoken just before 3am by that energy, to then hear my phone notifications going off.  There he was, that artist, reaching back.  There I was, wide awake, responding.  Time would pass and exchanges would happen.  I then understood.  I got out of my own way, my own fears, my own self inflicted boundaries and "made the jump."  I'm not sure if I would ever do so without a mutual friend (virtual or otherwise) there to build a bridge of encouragement, but I'm grateful that I did so this one time on a warm summer night in June of 2015.  

Not only have I met someone that's part of the extended tribe now (thanks Thomas and David, you're both making me smile big between this one and the last one), I've discovered another rare God given talented artist that's come here to heal and change lives with their gifts.  Someone who needed me in their path that night as much as I needed that exercise in trusting and letting go.  The music is just a blissful bonus that's "here by design" to enjoy and make me smile.

I'm sharing this story because I want you to know what's possible.  To know that your nudges and inspired thoughts are there for a reason. TRUST THEM.  PLEASE.  Listen to them and act upon them.  Don't question the why, how or what.  Just act.  The Universe is doing its thing and we're just all a part of it all on this spinning place we call home (for now).  I know I've said this a few dozen times over, but our inspired actions change lives.  We might not get to see it, but know it's true.  Just consider it a blessing when someone allows you to see a glimpse of what comes from it after the fact.  We're all pulled towards people, places, things and opportunities.  We just sometimes get so caught up in what "we want" that we don't listen to what "the Universe wants."  I've come to think that when we do we're really just following our own intentions and manifestations, as well as being tools used in other people's intentions and manifestations.  

One thing I've learned since losing Thomas is that we must trust the "pulls" in life.  That when we recognize another from "beyond here" that there's work to do.  God/the Universe is good, all the time.  Listen.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.      

The Pull: I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

As of late, things have been quiet here.  I've been wrapped up in the present moment of the life, of enjoying and savoring how things have unfolded as of late.

In early April my family took in a feral cat that had just had a litter of five kittens.  My mom calls her Bunny given the arrival of her kittens and Easter.  Early on in life my mom taught me to love animals, to care for them and to provide for them.  She was an orchestrating part of making sure this cat and her last generation of wild had a fighting chance.  The entire process was a lovely reminder of how unconditional love and patience can change the course of another life.  When I first met momma feral she was fearful of humans.  When we noticed her belly, my dad not wanting to see her suffer, brought a bag of food out to the house to feed her with.  The bond began and she started to learn that I wasn't going to harm her.  Before she delivered we could touch her back while she was eating.  Then she disappeared for three days and upon returning to eat, she wasn't so wide and waddling. So, I made it a point to follow her after her morning meal.  What's really wild is that the night before she went MIA, I had a dream of newborn kittens, as if I was connected in some way mentally to that momma cat.  I did find her in the window well of another property.  Then operation get those babies and her was on!

She looks thrilled doesn't she?

Her temporary housing until we knew she was in good health, when we thought the rescue would take her.

While I despise the neighbors for not doing anything to stop her generation of ferals, in the big picture I'm grateful that in the end I could give this one a home.  Per my mom's request, Bunny has ended up with me once we learned the private county rescue (no kill) that my mom has donated to for over a decade couldn't take her and the kittens.  Abandoned kittens, sure.  A mother NURSING her kittens, not going to happen. How backwards is that crap?  She's healthy (thank God for no feline diseases or major issues given her first few years were wild), a good mother, and starved for attention and affection.  The months in my mom's home being cared for and loved on transformed her.  Unless you're a stranger to her in my home, one would never know she was feral. 

While my two felines haven't exactly accepted her since she came home to me post spay and weaning, no one is killing each other and all are settling into the transition better than expected.  We even get a few nose touches here and there between them without a hiss now.  Even weeks later when her last two kittens became too much for my mom to care for so they were transferred to my house with their mother.  We thought they all had homes but sadly the last two weren't given time to adjust in their new adopted environment with the other cats they owned, so they're back with me.  Some people have patience for it, some don't.  Needless to say, my son is over the moon to have his Pearl (black female) back at his computer with him.  Me, I just don't see myself with FIVE CATS to care for the next 20 years.  We still have those two kittens who need homes so if you know of anyone local to Northern Virginia or the Shenandoah Valley who understands that it's a "furever" time and financial commitment, have them contact me about them.

Family portrait less Mr. Independent who was always out exploring.

Come May and a real spring around here, those reminders in unconditional love and Bunny's transformation would come full circle.  Circumstances won't allow me to say all that I wish to say about the subject, but it's safe to say that I'm connecting more dots now in this area of the journey.  I'd been talking to my late friend's lover about life and how we only get a few people who come along that we "feel a pull" with, how we know them the moment we meet them.  Some stay, some don't.  That's not the point.  The point is recognizing and understanding that "pull" that says "I know you from before.  I feel like I know you.  I need to know you."  How these people seem Heaven sent or By Design.  When we follow the pull we end up finding out that they have a role to play in our growth and becoming.  A few weeks after that conversation with her, I found myself in another friend's home looking down at my phone muttering an "Ohhhhhhh SHIT" while looking at notifications.  Yep, that happened.  What's funny is that in the chaos of her home, she remembered it from the moment I mentioned something else weeks later.  An old friend and lover appeared from my past, someone I had hoped to reconnect with again one day, someone who was "a pull."  I found this even more profound considering some work I'd been doing about 4-6 weeks earlier, wherein I'd asked God/The Universe/The Super Subconscious to fetch something for me, the correct spelling of his last name.  It fetched all right, and way more than I bargained for at that moment in time.

Speaking of the Universe doing more than I bargained for and "pulls" in general, fast forward to June and doing something I love, working while indulging in live music and well, lets just say my life just transformed to an entirely different level.  We're talking about exiting one's comfort zone level.  Things I'll write and share to come.  A change that I'm still navigating with the freaky deakys in my life.  That's what I call all of the contact from the "other side" .....the messages, feelings, nudges, and information that comes at random whenever it wants to.  Needless to say, all is as it should be with that stuff.  I'm listening and I promise I'll continue to get out of its way.  I hope you'll listen too regarding your own nudges, pulls and moments of inspired thought.  They really are there for our greater good.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.

   

Help (Not) Wanted

Had an interesting turn of events as of late.  A lovely reminder of that which I walked away from so long ago.  Ungrateful people.  A situation arose in my life wherein I offered help, it was initially accepted, and then once it was successful, abruptly disregarded.  All of which was on a voluntary basis and all of which was for the greater good of someone innocent and in dire need.

At first I was appalled.  I was shocked and saddened to see the tides turn so quickly, to see the power trip arise from within another, the person in question being helped.  All I could do was shake my head in disbelief.  No matter how many ways I tried to explain the logic behind what was being accomplished, I was met with ignorance and blatant disregard.  I sort of liken it to someone complaining about their health while waiting in the drive through at their favorite fast food place that they frequent.  It was that ridiculously asinine.  It taught me to remember that, "No Nita, you REALLY can't fix stupid!"  Even when you try repeatedly to educate it and cite various resources for that knowledge.  

So, I had a choice when faced with this idiotic behavior.  Dig my heels in and fight those who were acting out of line, or cut them out and let them go about their lives wondering why they're wasting money on things that aren't working for them.  All the while they're playing victim and complaining to anyone who will listen about the same.  Indeed, you learn very quickly that other people's paths aren't your concern.  Only your own.  Let me repeat that, ONLY YOUR OWN.

You know in your heart and mind what's true and what's lies.  You also know where your intentions lay and what you were trying to accomplish.  We DO NOT control other people, even when we have the best of intentions and knowledge to share.  Everyone here is just bobbing along of their own will and intents.  That's where grace and acceptance come in.  Having the where with all to see what's really going on and being educated enough to just let it go, recognizing that it's not your battle to fight or overcome, is absolutely priceless.  People are who they are; good, bad or indifferent.  Some get drunk on the attention they can get from being of use to another.  Others enjoy making a difference without a stitch of notoriety for their good deeds.  One in all honesty isn't any better than the other.  They're just different.

In the end, our differences are what make us so wonderful.  We learn so much through contrast, experiencing that which we don't want to be, endure or believe in.  I believe in the goodness within all of us and I've seen some amazing people do some beautiful things this past month.  In the end, I learned that no matter how much you try and help those you have an investment in, that they first have to be willing to help themselves.  Without doing so, they never learn; and that's okay.  Not everyone in life is going to be open or ready for the next chapter of their lives.  Nonetheless, that doesn't mean however that you stop writing your own.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

    

The Becoming - 40 Years In The Making

The last couple of months I've been wading into the new normal.  See, when you put forth a positive intention for your life, the Universe meets you where you are and prunes away EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that's not in alignment with that intent.  To some people it's as if you shook a soda bottle up and cracked it open.  Pressure builds and then explodes all over the place, in whatever direction has the least resistance.  Then, there are those who get stuck on the letting go of that which is being pruned away.  Believe me, stuck equals sucks.  No way to sugar coat it, it's a waste of time and energy.  Being focused on what was or who someone once portrayed themselves to be in order to use or manipulate you is a joke.  It won't change what is in the here and now.  It's not going to all of a sudden make them a better person.  It's about self preservation, about letting go of people who just aren't capable of being in alignment with where you're going in life.  

It really IS okay.  I often remind friends that we can't pick good fruit if we're weighted down with bad fruit.  Just no room or energy to procure the new.  Such is life.  In work.  In play.  In love.  In friendships.  No one is in your life experience living it except for you.  This is your play, your orchestration. You get to decide how it's all going to roll itself out.  Even when things, people and circumstances challenge you, we still get to decide how we greet them.  Do we focus and carry on or do we stop and turn back?  Only one direction gets you closer to your best self and your highest self.  

Now, does that mean we won't take the same damn road a few times on this journey?  Ohhhh, hell no.  Some of us are far more stubborn about life. We like to make sure we're doing the wrong thing multiple times before we learn it. No, I'm not joking.  I'm being serious.  Even so, it's all part of the path.  Eventually we crack and we relent and we find a better way.  Then, it's not about how long it took, but who we became in the process.

In January I entered into my 40th year here.  Growing up, I had so many ideas about where I thought I'd be and who I'd be come this milestone.  Some happend, most didn't.  What did happen though is that I realized that I'm right on time and that if I trust and listen a little bit longer, that all the pieces of the puzzle will continue to unite together into one kick ass magnificent work of art that IS MY LIFE.  MY LIFE.  In all of it's hard times, crazy times, fun times, sad times, and peaceful times.  

It's long been said that regret is more painful than just about any other part of life, less grief and loss.  I have a few, most of all that dark day of giving up and going against every fiber of my being 13 years ago.  Here's the thing though, I work each day to be at peace with what is.  None of us can change the past.  Now, more than ever, at 40, I get it.  I understand that I wouldn't be who I am today had I not lost myself along the way.

Know this, nothing is stagnate unless you allow it to be.  One call, one choice, one reach can change your entire path's momentum.  Listen to yourself and trust what you're learning.  The answers are all right there, just waiting for you to pay attention to them.  Remember that, I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

Time, Acceptance & The Resistance Within

It's been said that time heals all wounds.  Really?  Time?  That illusion we create in this three dimensional living?  That idea that we cling to, organizing our moments in form?  No, really, time? Yes, time they say.  Well, I call bullshit.  Yes, yes I do.  

You know what really heals wounds?  Acceptance.  I'm not talking about "oh, it's okay that so and so did this" or "oh, it's not a big deal that I did whatever to whomever."  That's not what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about the kind of acceptance that's so deep rooted in one's psyche that it's really a form of peace.  A way of living.  A decision to allow that which has happened (or hasn't happened) a way to just be.  A way of separating our self worth from the experiences that grow us and a way of knowing.  

When we accept what is in our lives, we tend not to stay stranded in resistance.  We are then open to the process of healing.  When we accept that our circumstances and the people in our lives are there as teachers and mirrors, all that we endure changes its influence upon us.  When we understand that life is a series of experiences and lessons, we tend to be more forgiving of the process and in turn, of ourselves.  

Acceptance doesn't mean that we get to play victim.  It means that we're in tune with what's going on.  It's a way of allowing.  A way of opening ourselves up to what's next.  Not accepting is nothing more than a game of endless ping pong.  A back and forth in the struggle.  A game we play to torment ourselves.  Seriously, stop that behavior.  Be still.  Listen to what's going on inside of yourself.  Pay attention to where your mind races off to.  Does it feel good?  Probably not.  Whala, your first sign post along the way is that icky feeling.  Pay close attention to it.  Wake up.  

Now you have the power to change it.  Whatever is holding you in bondage, whatever "could of, should of, and would ofs" you're navigating, allow yourself this day to set it aside.  Just ask yourself, is this true?  Does this define me?  What do thinking these thoughts create in my life?  Am I working towards peace or am I working towards self torment?  

I'll be the first to tell you that we are indeed our own worst enemies.  I am also here to tell you that we are in kind our own best saviors.  Now, before everyone who has an alignment with a certain belief system gets their knickers in a bunch, I'm not slighting or condemning your belief system.  I'm just reminding all whose eyes meet this page that the answers are inside of you.  The peace you want, the transcendence you desire, it's all right there, locked below the struggle.  All you have to do is accept.

Remember, acceptance isn't about allowing pain and suffering into your life.  It's simply about letting go.  You're the one pulling the puppet strings of your own life and I think now is a good time as any to rewrite your play.  I believe in you.  Trust in the process.  It's all for your greater good.  Remember this, I love you.

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

   

Ding! Ding! Ding! THANK YOU Dr. Seuss

For someone who strives to be mindful on a daily basis of living in the here and now, it occurred to me on my way to my mother's house for our New Year's Day meal, that part of the mourning process I've been dancing with is essentially living in the past.  It was a true "ding-ding-ding" moment for me.  This is something I've read and known, but really didn't KNOW deep inside with an open acceptance.  

Reflecting on 2014 and all that came with it, and how it forever changed me and this path I'm navigating, it settled in.  I was driving down Happy Creek Road into town, in one of my favorite parts of the road where you have a view of the mountains and Randolph Macon Academy on the other side of town framed in the center up on the hill.  It's actually the stretch of road where about a 1/2 mile further up I turn to take the short cut through town, and pass along the way where Thomas is buried.  Clear as day I received the thought, "Don't be sad that it's over.  Smile because it happened."  I knew this was a quote or that there was a quote to this regard out there somewhere.  As soon as I arrived in Flint Hill, I looked it up on my phone.  

Well I'll be! Dr. Seuss!  Really? Heh, talk about full circle living right?  A book from childhood containing within it a "universal message."  It resonated so deeply and has stirred frequently since.  So much so that this is now my mantra for 2015 each time the grief Ninja creeps up and each time that I reel my thoughts back to the now and to finding gratitude.  As painful as 2014 was, with all of its stripping away and losing people, it was also a profound gift.  2014 was a constant in my face reminder of what matters most.  All of that loss and the fallout from the same gave me an understanding like no other that DEATH IS NOT THE END.  I don't care what your religious beliefs are.  This isn't about that.  This about our energy, what makes us, and our eternal self moving on to the next thing on its to do list.  That we're all connected.  That we can and do receive information from those who have passed on, as well as those we may have known in other lives or whom we've played with often on the other side.  That if we'll just be still, trust and listen, that guidance is all around us.  

Indeed, Dr. Seuss may have just helped me to create a whole lot more peace in the pain. Thank you.  I love you Dr. Seuss. 

Copyright ©2015 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.