Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Soul Knows What The Soul Knows, Listen

Your soul knows what your soul knows.  Please listen to it.  A recent example of this would be an old friend's name crossing my lips various times, being brought up by other friends in random conversations a few months apart and then suddenly, being given the opportunity to see the person after twelve years of him being absent from my regular day to day mountain life. 

It had been over a decade before these series of events these last months transpired.  I mean, what are the chances right?  Did I listen to the nudges though?  Did I heed the pull from within to take action on what was before me, a chance to reconnect and let my old friend know how much he was appreciated all these years later?  Sadly, the answer is no.  Do I regret it?  Yes.  Why?  On April 17th, that friend, Brian Giacubeno, aka as Brian Jack, crossed over and went home to the other side.  I no longer have that chance to say thank you.

I have such fond memories of our times together and of that part of my life experience.  I was first introduced to Brian in the late 80s/early 90s, when his band Child's Play went from local icons to nationally loved touring artists.  I didn't actually get to know him though until long after that time period of our lives, when we went solo and back to small venues in the immediate traveling area.  Back then, I was working in a profession I loved, living the single life quite happily and traveling all up and down the East Coast supporting the local and not so local musicians I favored.  My partner in crime, Erika, we have endless stories to remember as old ladies in rocking chairs on my back porch one day regarding those adventures.  Brian was a part of those memories, as was his band and our collective friends from that era of our lives.  We were so blessed to have those experiences.  This isn't the first time I have lost one of my influential musician friends, but this is definitely the first time it has brought about a pain like this, the pain of regret.

I was sitting at the bus stop waiting for my daughter when I saw the news on a friend's Facebook page on my phone.  No, please, don't let it be true.  Scrolling through the comment thread I saw the link to the news article.  This beautiful day of fluffy clouds, blue skies and perfect temps in the warm sunlight on top of a mountain drifted away from me.  I sat there in utter shock as I called Erika to see if she knew.  I picked up my iPod and started clicking away, looking for his beautiful face and voice.  There he was.  There I was.  

Listening, my mind drifted back to the last time we saw each other, when I was pregnant with my son.  I wept waiting.  Why didn't I listen to the nudges?  Why didn't I figure out a way to go to that show with Erika in Maryland but a handful of months ago?  I was so gutted sitting there waiting on my girl.  The bus stopped and I sucked it all up though, going about my day until the stillness of the evening crept in later.  Really?  He's gone.  Just like that, he's gone.  So incredibly tragic and sad.  

The last time I saw Brian was in Ocean City, Maryland during one of my weekend excursions with Erika.  Ah yes, the OC years.  I still have a fondness for that cruddy place on the Atlantic Ocean.  In all honesty, Brian was at a good point on his journey then.  He was happy, healthy and falling in love with a wonderful woman.  The latest solo band was booking gigs all around the DC/MD/VA area and there was a core group of fans who had stood by his side post Child's Play.  All and all, he was settling into his new life quite nicely.  We laughed so hard that weekend in that little venue are rarely slept a wink the night of the show.  That was one of the best things about Brian, he could crack a silly voice in a conversation and make you laugh until your abdominal muscles ached.     

Thinking back to those times of my life, I can't help but smile in gratitude.  It's no secret that I love music and that I live for it.  Brian was part of that love, part of the local music scene.  He supported it and believed in it 1000%.  He left an impression everywhere he went.  Some loved him, some even hated him, but either way, he was still Brian and he was still going to live his life on his terms and in his own amazing way and with no regrets for any of it.  After all, isn't that the point of life, to live it on your terms and to be authentic to who you are?  Learning of his death, a part of my youth felt as if it had passed with him.

As I mentioned above, the last year he'd been on my radar.  First post move, then in a conversation with Timmy, and lastly with Erika a few times before we tried to mesh schedules this past winter upon catching announcement of a Child's Play reunion show in Maryland. Yes, this loss is incredibly sad for his family, his close friends, and the fans who loved him.  It's taken me weeks to craft the words and revise them here, wanting to do his beautiful soul justice.  

If you take anything away from this post, please, when you feel the pull from within, when their names cross your lips, your mind, and when it happens repeatedly, please listen.  The soul knows what the soul knows.  Just listen.  Stop arguing with it.  Stop putting it off.  Take action.  Listen.  I didn't.  You still can.  The time is now, the place is here and regrets are painful.  Just listen. 

Love and respect Brian.  One day, we'll see you on the other side. ~ Neeters


Copyright ©2012 Nita Clewis
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