Since July I've been wrestling with resistance in my own life, so much so it had been blocking my ability to flow in my public writing and sharing. You see, I had preconceived ideas about certain things and certain people and the universe was working with me to open my eyes to accept the answers it was giving me verses what I wanted those answers to be. I'm not complaining though, the process has taught me a few things that I wanted to write about and reflect on with each of you here in hopes that your reading it will lessen your own learning curve.
I've learned that it's okay to surrender and that the moment I do so, the weight is lifted from my heart and I can let the hang ups go. I can just be, just for today, just for this moment and just for this choice. I grew up in a spiritual upbringing so surrender is not a new concept to me but at 36, it's something I'm really just now learning to wrap my head around.
I'm learning to reach out to others who have walked the path I'm on, to seek guidance and influence in my day to day living. This is also part of my surrender process. I've always had issues with accepting help and guidance, in being teachable in life. I joke that my indepenence streak started early, when I decided to arrive two months ahead of schedule (much to my family's dismay) to join this world. I recently was looking through my old report cards in elementary school that my mom had given me. You know, the ones where the teacher leaves comments. There it was in black and white, that strong, resistant, I'm going to do it my way little girl. Yep, hard to argue with that.
I've learned that people do what works, even if what works for them hurts you, throws you under the bus, blames you for the life they created by their choices, etc. I've learned that no matter how much you want to continue to be there for those you love, including children (someone else's or your own if that's your situation), that you have to love and protect yourself first, even if it means you'll never speak to or see that person you love again.
I'm learning to love the painful experiences in life, to look at the people and situations from an angle of gratitude. If someone in your life is hell bent on being negative or unappreciative and can't see it for what it is, it's okay to let them go and find gratitude in the experience. You can really look at them in your heart and be grateful that they taught you something about about yourself, about what you will and won't tolerate, about what does and doesn't matter. It's always harder to do with family but nonetheless it can and should be done.
I've learned that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be. You see, from my teen years forward I gravitated towards people who were in recovery, from alcohol and/or drugs to gambling. I didn't have anyone in my family who was going through it or who had problems but were in denial about it. Yet there I always was, putting myself in the middle of it. I was the friend to go to their first AA or NA meetings with them, the friend who was the voice of reason in chaos or the friend who just listened. It always seemed as if these people were in my path for a reason but I never was able to put it all together until this summer.
I have a book I found at the free shack called The Tao on Recovery that I'd picked up to save for someone last year because I just knew someone I'd cross paths with would need it. I've even offered it up a couple of times with no takers. Why am I telling you all of this? Because I've discovered that this book was there for me. I'm learning that every person who was on my path all these years who suffered from addiction prepared me for this walk. That all those moments and opportunities lead me to today, a place of overcoming the resistance of this truth, which is that I too can benefit from a 12 Step Program (OA).
Lastly, I'm continuing to learn that if we don't move on in life the other people we loved will never have the opportunity to learn from the loss that has been endured. Sometimes that is our greatest gift to them, the lessons they take forward with them from that loss. If they don't learn then they'll just keep repeating the process so why would you want to be any part of that anyway? Remember that old teaching, that lessons are repeated until they are learned? It's true. Besides, as one of my mentors said so beautifully, if God wanted you to go backwards in life your feet wouldn't be facing forward.
Copyright ©2011 Nita Clewis
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