Owning One's Truth - The Way

Abusive personalities, it's not a subject I've touched on much here before.  At the moment however I'm feeling compelled to share some things at the urging of spirit. Thoughts inspired from conversations with friends and family that happened during the summer of 2013.

First, a little background though.

I was raised by a controlling personality, one whom I would say is abusive at times.  I watched the father I love mentally and physically abuse my mother.  She found the wisdom and courage to leave him when I was ten years old.  To this day, as many wonderful and positive things there are to be said about my father, he still wishes to control every inch of my 39 years here of living.  It's just who he is and he doesn't want to change.  With my own age and experience has come wisdom. Wisdom to see him for who he is and understanding to know that those insecurities aren't a reflection of me or any of the people in his life whom he tries to control.

I've learned so much from observing and being around controlling and abusive people in general.  I spent a few decades loving a controlling personality and at one point marrying him and saving his daughter from the depths of her mother's hell.  I settled and subjugated in this relationship.  I tried so hard to be a light in a dark world that I lost some of my own luster.  I sacrificed the unsacrificeable.  I learned what not to be and do.  In the end though I woke up.  I remembered who I was before the darkness of his world.  I left and I am better for all of it, for now knowing what I did not know then.  I learned that I don't have to repeat the past to heal it, that I can create a new direction and make different choices.

So, now that you understand my background on the subject, here is what I wanted to share.

Don't Use Each Other

I've learned that people do not have to be in relationships to "use each other."  My father tries to say otherwise, that everyone uses everyone.  No one should ever be in a relationship based on need.  Each of us should learn how to be self sufficient.  Is it easy to keep up with an acre property and modest home by myself on an income that isn't what is used to be prior to the recession and layoffs?  No.  Are those reasons to date someone, look to be in a relationship, or move someone in?  Hell no.

When I worked in domestic relations law, I saw it all too often, people married and getting divorced because everything they built the relationship on was need versus want.  They needed a roof over their head.  They needed a baby mommy or daddy.  They needed to feel secure in themselves.  They needed a checkbook to live off of.  Each couple that came together out of need didn't last because eventually one person or the other realized that the need wasn't going to be filled by the other half, that the need actually required self care and fulfillment.  Don't get me wrong though, most of them left pointing fingers at each other verses looking within to realize the problem was inside all along, that they came into the relationship based on need versus want to begin with exited based on need as well.

Don't Get Jealous

I've learned that jealousy is fruitless and that those who accuse others of misconduct are often the ones misconducting their behaviors.  When you're with someone, you either trust them or you don't.  If you can't trust them, you have zero business sharing a life with them.  Don't even think about trying to cohabitate in a home where you raise children together.  Your children after all are learning everything you're doing and not just saying.  Mommy and daddy can't really love each other in a healthy way if they're reading each other's emails and text messages behind each others backs now can they?  What does that teach your kids? It teaches them that it's okay to settle and to be with someone you don't trust.  It teaches them anxiety and how to manage bad choices too.

Start With Truth

I've learned that respect starts with truth.  If you can't share a space with someone or have a friendship that's rooted in truth, what's the point?  Does one have to be a mean or brutal with the truth?  No, you can be truthful and tactful.  You can be truthful and loving.  That's what true love is anyway, the ability to be one's self 100% honestly and openly and be appreciated and respected.

Be Respected

I've learned that anyone who would ever try and separate you from those who love you and from whom you love is simply trying to dominate a larger presence in your life.  That's not healthy either and it's simply another form of control.  Often controlling abusive personalities try to manipulate you into believing their way, urge you to question your own and do things rooted in a lack of security versus an abundance of belief.  The sooner you see those manipulations for what they are, the sooner life can get better and you can be free.

Choose You

Most of all, I've learned that in the end we make the choices.  We decide when enough is enough and we are the ones who must make the effort to turn the page.  Life is too damn short, precious and fleeting to waste time on things that aren't serving our higher good.  Cut the cord.  Live.  You may just find that all the hell was worth it in the end because it makes the here and now of making healthy choices that much sweeter.

In closing, to every woman and man I've ever loved who has had the courage to make healthy choices, I commend you.  It isn't always easy but you are proof that it can be done.  Namaste.

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

Really? This is the new reality?

Fair warning, this one isn't pretty at times.  Death, as it is perceived on our end of things, rarely ever is.  Hold on though for the long read for the end is as equally beautiful as the painful beginning. 

Where do I even begin?  I guess from the beginning.

Part 1:

When the news of Thomas's death was delivered, I'd just arrived home for the evening. My son was in the living room when I called my friend back from the kitchen.  I'd dropped signal on her crossing the river when she was trying to reach me just prior.  My friend by nature is a worrier and Thomas just happened to be one of the people she fretted over.  So, when she told me if I'd heard the news, my default setting was to second guess her source.  I was thinking it was just townies being townies.  Mere rumors and such.  Family told her though, not townies.  

The shock to my system left me sitting on the cold slate kitchen floor against the cabinet, dialing for affirmation from someone else, anyone else.  Reaching his friend's establishment (Soul Mountain), my hardest day of 2013 was realized.  First one friend of his got on the phone, and then his mother's friend spoke with me.  The day I had been feeling and dreading since January 1st was upon me.  The major loss had come and I HATED every fiber of the "Knowing" for ever being so.

When I say "Knowing," I'm not talking about having knowledge that Thomas himself was going to leave us.  I'm referencing the foreboding of 2013 wherein when the year kicked off I just knew that major loss in my life was getting ready to occur.  Didn't know who, why, how many losses or how, I simply just knew it was coming.  While I curse these things at times, it truly is a gentle reminder to make every moment in twenty-four hours count, to leave nothing undone.  It's a mantra that flows through my conversations with others often. 

The light known as Thomas had moved on, he'd shifted from here to there.  I'd last seen him five days prior and heard from him a mere two days before he was hospitalized and then gone.  Tuesday to Friday, just like that.  No three days will ever look the same again.  No more pain.  No more suffering.  No more living in limbo waiting.  Thomas was now free.  As much as I hated the pain of his absence, I was truly happy he wasn't here to suffer the physical and emotional pain of what he'd been going through the last couple of years.

First sunset with Thomas after the shift. Taken from his resting place.

Part 2:

When the news of Dave's death was delivered, I was already in the acceptance phase of Thomas's death.  I still wrestled with the grief Ninja at times but for the most part I was in an active place of connection with him.  Given that connection, I was operating from a place of utter awe and peace.  

I'd just began the trip into town to establish a dinner game plan at the grocery store with my son when my friend called.  As with any other call, I just put her on speaker and said hello.  She was in distress.  Immediately I started asking my son for my headset.  I can still hear the pain in her voice as she tried to ask questions about where I was, what I was doing, etc. before breaking the news.  In her own nauseating pain she was doing her best to look out for others, a trait I truly admire about that girl.  The moment she sobbed a "pull over" I wanted to disappear.  I was immediately afraid of what was next.  The affirmation was crushing and the shock intense.  We stayed together in that disbelief as I tried to listen to her share with me what I needed to know.  When my son and I finally made it to the store, I just sat in the parking lot numb.  Again.  It was happening all over again.  I'd just spoken with him Tuesday and by Friday he too had moved on.  Three damn days, just like that.

From one of my favorite places.

Part 3:

This is where things get raw.  This is where the anger comes in, step two of five in the grief process.  Consider yourself warned.  It's raw, it's real and I'm not going to sugar coat it.

Really?  This is the new fucking reality now?  First my teacher.  Now my philosopher. Both? Both!  Really?  No way!  This can't be happening.  My mind was racing.  I was crushed.  The first person I thought of speaking with about Dave leaving us was Thomas.  Hello sucker punch to the gut.  Nope, can't do that anymore.  Well, at least not via traditional means.  Well, that just went from sucks to double sucks in record time. 

Damn.  Damn.  Damn.

Then I remembered.  
Then I breathed. 

As I mentioned in a prior blog, Thomas had been around in spirit already.  He is simply an acknowledgment away.  In fact, Thomas had been with me very heavily from Thursday evening through the news of Dave's passing.  He continued to stay around until such time as our friend sweet friend arrived later to be with me.  In the horror of moving to acceptance of what had happened with Dave, Thomas's presence 
was a strong reminder to be still and listen to what I already "knew."  They may be gone physically but no, they're not really gone.

Stop.  Breathe.  Listen.

Technically David Trefry should say Facebook User or not show at all.  That happens when you leave Facebook.  Dave had left Facebook.  Yet when I opened my "Hayfield Days" list of friends on Facebook, there he was, front and center.  Classic  Dave move right there!  Look at me!  Here I am!  Peace everyone, I'm okay.  This was from the weekend of who do I call next notifications.  I knew no one would understand when I tried to explain it later so I took a photo of it. 

Part 4:

I'm telling you what, your friends and your family, if they are good and true, they'll see you through anything in life.  Anything at all.  When you need them the most, as in times such as this, you also learn who is tried and true versus who isn't.  Oh the irony is not lost, believe me.  I saw the picture of what came to pass after.  It was pretty clear regarding what to do, who mattered and who didn't.  I thank them for that parting gift as much as I thank my friends and family for being there for me these last few months.

After hours drum circle to honor Thomas at Soul Mountain

I know that many are used to looking to me for strength and direction with this blog and our conversations.  Here's the thing though, I know I've never had all of the answers.  I don't trot through this life without struggles.  I love.  I hate.  I've created joy and I've created pain.  I'm human just like you.  All that comes to this page comes through me.  As Dave would say, "you are a vessel."   

With death, I'm different than most.  I don't fear it.  I get that it's a part of life.  Honestly, the most important part of life in my opinion.  It's then that we get to connect all of the dots.  I accept that my guys, that they're truly here nor there.  They are everywhere.  I feel them.  I receive from them.  Both are free and happy to be where they are.

One of Thomas's favorite teachers.  A quote he sent me one day.  He was always sharing what he was learning as it was happening in real time.  He was always pouring himself into others.

Despite all of that though, I sit here much like anyone else going through such pain.  I have wrestled with the disbelief that this is it.  That all I have from this moment going forward are the intangible blessings of their friendships.  Every cherished conversation, every moment spent hanging out.  The songs listened to, discussed and sometimes even sang.  Memories, they are what sustain us.

Dave out enjoying life in 2012 with Deri :) Thanks love for the pic!

I get to take forward all that these two ever poured into me and taught me about life.  The things you learn through both observing theirs and living your own.  Each of them had a story, a mission, and a determination to figure life out.  In the end, both have.  They're both doing exactly what they wanted to do, acquiring the great knowledge of the Universe.  They now have all the answers in which they seek.  Here though, their smiles, laughter and warmth are missed and cherished.  Yes, I see them in photographs and there are videos out there too.  It's not the same though.  It's not supposed to be I guess.  It never will be.

I had the privilege of getting to know both of them at a level that in the end made pouring into others as we grieve automatic.  They'd both given me so much of themselves, I just couldn't leave their work undone.  Their legacies live on through the words that were spoken and that still continue to be delivered.  I truly don't know or understand where the quiet strength comes from to muster on and be a light when you're crumbling inside, but it does. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way though and neither would they.  There is no time to wallow and be depressed (another stage in the grief process).  I see the big picture for what it is.  I accept what is before me and I am remaining open to the path and their continued part in it. 
   

October 2011 Cure Fest ~ Deri's Nephew & Dave "Her Boys"

As for that sneaky grief Ninja, I've watched so many people I love battle it.  That too has prepared me for this struggle.  I now must actually impart that shared knowledge to myself. I've long said acceptance is the first key to anything.  If I can't accept what is, I'm at a loss for what I'm going to do about it.  Fact is, the void in my life left by Thomas is the size of the Grand Canyon.  Dave being gone too just added to its vastness.   

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm going to do with all the empty spaces inside my soul that they once filled.  I know I have to keep living.  Keep breathing.  Keep doing the work and traveling the path.  As for the rest of it, not a clue.  I'm just doing my best to be present in the day at hand and make the most of it.

Meanwhile as we all process, those two jokers are having the best conversations ever and I need to be happy for them.  Happy.  Try instead a little annoyed and a whole lot of jealous for I always tried to get them together for that very reason.  I shared so much knowledge from Thomas with Dave.  As I've mentioned prior, the last book Thomas and I were excited about ended up finding its way to Dave eventually.  

I did not know at the time that it was about both of them all along.  Now more than ever I can read the writing on the wall.  After all, it found us on Dave's last birthday and I didn't even notice the purchase date until the day of Dave's funeral.  Thomas and I had already been reading and working with other channeled entities by way of Orin and DaBen, so there was nothing random about it happening the way it did.  It was meant to find us just as it was meant to find Hicks.  

You see, I'd been reading a book by Abraham-Hicks and decided that very day at 3/4 of the way through it that I'd start it over again.  Doing so allowed me to see and highlight something I'd not absorbed before.  A reference to a book called Seth Speaks.  Later that day I felt the "pull" to visit my favorite local used book/dvd store while in the midst of something completely not related.  Typically doing so nets some stellar find.  I made the time and went.  I immediately found a Silva Method book on the porch in the 25 cent section.  Score!  I thought that was it.  I went inside though and looked where I normally do.  Then I did something I never do.  I started going through a box of books that was on the floor. Books that hadn't been put on the shelf yet.  New arrival books.  Books I honestly never bother to dig through.  As soon as I moved the top book, there it was, staring at me with a big neon light around it.  HERE I AM! I think I even let out an audible squeal of joy.  

The day the book found its way home.
Uh huh, Dave's last birthday.

So, I'm going to do my best to work through this.  Eventually I will transcend this new reality into acceptance 100% of the time.  In the interim, I'm trusting that both of my guys are making sure the new people who walk into my life to fill the empty places are gems.  Whoever it is, I'll be grateful.  If they're anything nearly as spectacular as my guys, the path ahead will be just as remarkable as the years each of them graced me with.  One thing I understand for certain, the new reality, it's always changing.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.