Cleaning the Slate

‎"At the center of your being 

you have the answer; 

you know who you are 

and you know what you want." - Lao Tzu

Curious observation regarding not only my own transition but the transformation of my friends in the same age group, we all seem to be at a chapter in our lives of cleaning the slate.  I have mulled this subject over before, had long girlfriend conversations about it, stewed on it, etc. and it just makes sense.  Women of their 30s seem to pause, take stock of their lives, weed out with a seemingly reckless abandon that which isn't serving their journey here, and gather the courage to walk boldly into the next chapter.  It just seems to be an evolutionary thing.  How fitting and amusing of course that one of my favorite artists rerecords one of my favorite songs (1st released June 2010 so we're not talking years later rerelease/rerecord) this month as I'm again mulling over this subject.  So much so I've been screaming it from the roof tops to anyone who will listen. I believe those lyrics of that song to be a very on point description of many of our journeys to cleaning the slate of our own lives.  I've included them so that you don't have to look them up to understand what I'm rambling about.

I'm grateful that those of us going through this transition in life tend to talk about it openly to each other.  Like many of our other challenges in life, there is a grace and safety in understanding we are not the only ones.  The 30s shift is really a cause for celebration.  We have learned, we have lived and we are embracing all of it.  We get to a point where the here and now, that's all that matters.  We learn to let go.  We begin to embrace each day with expectancy and a more positive attitude because we learn that this too, is a choice on the journey.  More than anything we stand up for ourselves and walk away from that which we have stewed on for way too long.  We learn to confront ourselves and by doing so the process begins.  This process leads to tolerance, acceptance and clarity.  The light bulb aha moment hits and we snap to attention and realize the only opinion that matters is the one we have of ourselves.  Talk about freeing.  Unless you're in it or been through it, you can't completely grasp what I'm saying.  Those of you that do, I'd love to hear your stories.  Remember, Knowing Blog isn't about what I know, it's about what we all know and will share to light the journey.

Lo-Pro - Clean The Slate 

I can learn to live with, all the things I've done
I can turn my face up towards the sun
Now I'm set to embrace
I've learned from my mistakes
I can leave it behind and
Do whatever it takes

I can clean the slate
'cause it's a new day
and it's a good day

And I'm moving on,
I've been keeping all of this inside for way too long
Dreaming of a way to stomp on your revolution
And dwelling on the ways that everyone's done me wrong
I'm moving on
I'm leaving all of this behind me

I'll admit you got me, but that was only once
I won't live so blindly
'cause I
I can learn to confront

I can clean the slate
'cause it's a new day
and it's a good day

And I'm moving on,
I've been keeping all of this inside for way too long
Dreaming of a way to stomp on your revolution
And dwelling on the ways that everyone's done me wrong
I'm moving on
I'm leaving all of this behind me

And I have learned to tolerate
And now there's nothing you can say about me
To make me feel like I'm not something
'cause that's the old me
And it's a new day

And I'm moving on,
I've been keeping all of this inside for way too long
Dreaming of a way to stomp on your revolution
And dwelling on the ways that everyone's done me wrong

I'm moving on
I'm moving on
Keeping all of this inside
It's been so long

I'm moving on

Dreaming of a way to stomp

It's been so long

I'm moving on

Dwelling on the ways that everyone's

It's been so long

I'm moving on

I'm moving on

Copyright ©2010 Nita Clewis All rights reserved. 
Clean The Slate Property of Lo-Pro
For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. 

An Authentic Life - Lessons from Grandma Irene

My grandmother Alice Irene Mozzochi graced my life for 25 years. Tragically, we had to say goodbye to her on August 17, 1999, twenty-four hours before her great-grandson Tristan would finally grace us with his presence (19 days after a failed induction of labor, of which she so lovingly said 'he'll come when he's ready, he's on his own time, not ours'). To think that my own mother said good-bye to her mom, removing her from life support, within twenty-four hours of saying hello to her grandson still astounds me.

Each year that life goes on without grandma Irene I strive to live my life by her example. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt she's proud of the woman I'm becoming, even if she didn't always agree with the paths I'd chosen. In honor of her authentic life, I'm passing along some of the most important lessons I've taken from my short time with her. Enjoy.

Children & Family ~ Adversity at home doesn't mean it's always going to be that way. You fail forward in life and in love. You don't stay in bad relationships or marriages, you move on, no matter what society or anyone else says. Only you know what's right for you.

YOU protect your children at all costs and if they're kidnapped from you by their other parent, you drop everything, track them down, and get your child back. Give your babies everything you can, teach them right from wrong and be tough when it counts the most. Love them unconditionally and spoil them when you can. Teach them respect and balance. Teach them to give to others. Dress them fabulously.

Marriage ~ Marry the man who can't live without you, is crazy in love for you, who would go to the end of the world to provide and protect you and your children. Marry the man who respects you, himself and others. The man who puts his family first, who can forgive, who can have unconditional love. Date long into your relationship, into parenthood, into retirement. Travel if you can. Shop together and cook together if you can. Have separate areas in your home that are yours and yours alone, a place to go for you, to clear your head and to do something you love. Grandma Irene had her sewing room and Grandpa Mo had his record collection/den/man cave in the basement. Separate bathrooms are a good thing too, as are closets and dressers. Have your own friends and have joint friends that you share. Dress your man fabulously. Go out and have fun!

Never let a man who doesn't respect himself or you have influence on your life. You tough it out and you demand only the best because you are the best thing any God fearing man could ever want in his life to be his wife and the mother of his children. Do not settle.

Religion & Politics - If you don't like confrontation, arguments or strong points of view, then it's always a good rule of thumb to keep discussions and debates about politics and religion in your home. It's now what church you go to, what book(s) you read, or what you talk about with others, it's how you live your life, day in and day out that shows others your beliefs. Do for yourself but always lend a helping hand, a meal, or a moment of your time to those who need it most.

Christmas - If you celebrate Christmas, be sure to sing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus on Christmas. Candle in the pie or dessert is optional but always fun too! Also, if you go to church on Christmas or Christmas Eve go for the service with the music and kids choir. Gingerbread house making and decorating is a family tradition, don't forget about it and if you're feeling really adventurous, the family ravioli recipe is a Christmas tradition too.

Thanksgiving - Never skimp on the appetizers. Nuts, cheeses, crackers, etc. - go all out, it's Thanksgiving and you never know who'll stop by or be tagging along. Thanksgiving dinner is always open to friends of the family, neighbors, etc. who don't have a family or friends to get together with that year. Make a list of what you're eating because if you don't something always gets left in the microwave/oven/fridge only to be remembered when it's time for pie and football. If you can afford it, get a house with a large kitchen that opens to the dining room, it makes life so much easier.

Document Things - Journals, photographs, calendars, take notes, notice what's going on in life. Take the time to be in the moment of life. I learned after my grandmother passed that she kept annual diaries of her day to day doings. Sometimes I pick one up off of her bookshelf and open it to sneak a peak at her life. She always was grateful, even when she didn't feel good. She loved to celebrate family and friendships. She loved my grandfather like no other and adored her daughters to the ends of the earth. I was her one and only granddaughter until Frances married Brian and Austin came into our lives. ;) For five years she was the happiest grandmother on the planet. So if you can, definitely keep a record of those things worth cherishing. I learned so much more about her and was able to carry on our long and wonderful conversations after her death because of those journals.

Also, she was always really great about keeping track of who was in photos too, something we tend to lose track of in a digital world if we're not uploading and tagging right away. Even today I go to scan in old childhood photos and I can't remember full names or names period. So sad. :(

Copyright ©2010 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.
For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Children, especially young children, are unique in their ability to tell it like it is with brutal honesty.  If you are a parent, I am sure you've had one of those moments of "did he/she just say what I heard?"  Once, my dear friend's four year old saw a photo of me online.  She instantly remarked that she liked me, liked my kids, but did not like my step-daughter's father.  None of them were in the photo she was looking at by the way.  She went so far as to say, I don't like her dad, he's mean.  This, from a four year old child who had only met him once and that was a very, very, very long time (especially to a four year old) before she made her comment.  While she is certainly entitled to her opinion, the rest of us who know him would state that she is in fact, telling the plain, unfiltered truth, that she was just telling it like it is.

I've often heard toddlers and pre-school children comment in public on the things they observe, i.e. what's wrong with that man in the wheelchair or does she have a brush, her hair is so messy, we should buy her a brush.  I myself have been on the receiving end of two four year old girls whom I love and adore and their honesty over the last year.  Both have made comments about my legs, something I'm very self conscious about until such time as they catch up with the rest of my transforming body.  If you know me in real life, you understand what I am talking about.  If you do not know me in real life, just know that I don't carry the majority of my extra weight in my gut, chest and hips, I carry the majority of it in my lower body.  Thus my favorite girls were just telling it like it is, like they saw it.  Their words were not meant to hurt me in any way, shape or form.  I actually smiled and agreed with both of them when they made their observations versus say, changing the subject or ignoring their words.

When we are young we do not know what a lie is, we have to learn it from someone else by example.  We also have no idea about tact or filtering ourselves, we have to learn that also.  Obviously there has to be a balance in the words we choose, otherwise we risk alienating others that we care for.  Nonetheless, in later adulthood I began to question the pros and cons of such things.  At my core I tend to feel that teaching tact is acceptable but teaching deceit or filtering is not.  Words can hurt.  Words can heal.  In the end though they are only words and it is up to the perception of the listener to take them with a grain of salt or internalize them for eternity.

Sometimes I think we do more damage to each other by not saying what we feel or think.  It is medically proven that those of us who hold things in, hold our truths, tend to suffer all kinds of medical conditions.  There are many authors and publications created to teach us how to find and use our voice and they are all making a pretty mint because of it.  Obviously there has to be a balance to it, as it is with everything else in life. So, if I am an advocate for telling it like it is and being non-filtered in our interactions, where does tact come in?  Tact is something we look at as being aware of the impact of our words.  One can be honest with tact versus being brutally honest.

Copyright ©2010 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.
For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. 

The Songs That Soothe Our Souls

For as long as I can remember, music has been an intricate part of my existence.  As a toddler I remember that oh so special little grand piano toy, the one that I thought was so annoying my mom hid it around the house to keep me off of it.  No, I was informed upon telling my mom about this latest blog entry that "I never hid any of your toys, you remember trying to find it before Christmas, that's what you remember...you were terrible about trying to find your presents."  Ooops!  

Now that you mention it, I do remember finding a magic kit set under the sofa one time.  I think that was before my birthday.  Me, impatient?  Sure, I can totally see that!  Nonetheless, this is the piano, the same one I would dig the dining room chair out for, drag it across the kitchen and down the hall to the sliding 70s closet door above the closet itself (remember those?).  I’d get on top of the chair to realize I was too darn short to reach it (still). I think she was on to me, pushing it the back of the closet up there.  When we spoke about it after I first published this blog, she insisted that it was her last resort hiding place because I was too quick to find the rest of them.  

Toddlerhood hi-jinks later lead to belting out Sister Sledge's We Are Family (1979 - age 4) and Creedence Clearwater Revival's Proud Mary in the basement of my childhood home to the 8 Track player.  I didn’t love all music though.  I’d cringe and cover my ears at some of my father’s selections. 

Aww, there's Miss Kitty... that cat lived into my 20s. Wow, look at my natural wavy hair.  Poor mom, the (not so natural victim) of a bad time of hair in the 70s.  There's that piano.  Do you have any idea how stoked I'd be to come across one sometime again? ;)

Those I hold dear and near, they too have roots in the music of their childhoods.  It's such an intricate part of the fiber of my being. It's hard to imagine life without it.  When I watch National Geographic TV or most recently, the Travel Channel's Meet the Natives (okay, it wasn't that recent was it...no, don't catch too much TV) I love to see how the community celebrations all center around music and dance.  Many of us can trace our roots to such celebrations.  Others of us have memories of our own family members or family friends who enjoyed the arts.  Feel free to share those memories here via comments.  I would love to read them.

My mom's best friend from art school, Mary Nelson, she had music in her home all the time.  Mary and my mom went to see The Beatles at their first concert in DC.  Grandpa Mo had to come get them after the concert I believe because of bad weather.  She said they couldn't hear a thing due to all the screaming.  My mom at the 1st Beatles show for her generation...totally cool!  Who can she thank for that experience?  My grandparents!  They always supported my own involvement in music.

By pre-school I was singing in the church choir, at my grandparent's place of worship in Springfield, VA.  I liked singing but I loathed going there to practice.  Not sure why, but that is the memory I have. The good times came just being with my grandparents going to and from practice or services. Fast forward a few decades ahead to my life and well, if you know me, you know I LOVE me some live music!  These days I listen to various genres, basically anything of personal interest.

Elementary school came and I continued to sing, this time by choice. I actually enjoyed being in chorus and was picked to participate in some special regional concert in 1986. I liked music. I listened to the radio all the time and made cassette recordings of my own mixes.  Ha ha, yeah, you remember those days.  By the time middle school came, I decided I was going to play the bass guitar.  Problem was, I would play but lose patience at practicing. I didn't have the discipline for it but man oh man I loved the sound of it though.

From there I transgressed to full on appreciative person of music.  Well, beyond appreciative...obsessed teenager.  My entire bedroom and bathroom were covered ceiling to floor in posters of bands.  Have you seen my prom prep and posing photos on Facebook?  Ha ha ha!  Check out those walls!  My mom was definitely cool like that.  Little did I realize I was manifesting all of those musicians into my future, via concerts, friends of friends, business associates, etc.  Yeah, life has been good to me in that way.  What teenager do you know today who isn't into whatever their music of choice is? Exactly!  Thus, to go from obsessed teenager to supportive and admiring adult was pretty natural.

Isn't it great how the music of our youth can trigger various moments, people and places in time?  Sort of like a recorded soundtrack of our journey's here.  I don't know about you, but I used to loathe the day our music would become my parent's oldie stations but when it came to pass, I found that I welcomed it with open arms.  Alas, the internet has made quick work of our enjoyment of any music that you can possibly think of, from anywhere in the world where it can be recorded and shared.  It's phenomenal.  The songs that soothe our souls are just a click away.

Adulthood broadened my horizons.  Special and unforgettable relationships formed with people who shared this love of music and those friendships blossomed over the years.  Routes were taken in my existence as a result of my love of music (the legal profession for instance) that laid the groundwork for the rest of my life (thanks Deb).  Music even played a role in self described 'intoxicating' love.  To this day, I love discovering new music that makes my heart sing, that speaks to and soothes my soul.  I bet you do too, just like we all feel comfort listening to the soundtracks of our journeys.  So, if you have any recommendations, feel free to share.  It's nice to be able to add selections to our soundtrack.

Copyright ©2010 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.
For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed. 

Change

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference."

- Rainhold Niebuhr (American theologian)

There is a common theme to all life on this planet.  That theme is change.  It is hard to think of anything here as stagnate.  Even fossils and billions year old earth formations are changing.  Then why is it that as a species, human beings resist it, often to their own detriment?  Mind you, I am not asking from the outside looking in.  I have lived in that glass house myself from time to time.  I would say I even go back once in a while in a moment of emotional reaction on vacation. ;) Who hasn't resisted change? Doesn't exist.  You might very well, with LOTS of patience & practice learn to accept and flow with change.  You might even evolve to welcome all of life's changes but trust me, at some point, we've all been at that place of resistance (let alone full on retreat).

Sadly, there's a price to pay when you resist change.  Not only are you stagnate in the negative of the situation, you're not getting the lesson trying to be imparted from whatever is going on at the time.  You're turned off, tuned out and bound to repeat everything until someone or something flips the light of reason on in your head!  Time passes.  You miss out on life because you're repeating BS you're not learning because of being stuck in resistance.  It's essentially nothing less than self sabotage at its finest.  

If you can accept change, what comes next?  You're in the flow and .... ???  Heh, this is where it gets good.  Anything comes next.  Anything at all.  What comes next is totally up to you.  This is where you get your control back over whatever 'it' is.  You pick your reaction and the steps to take next.  At this point you have to take a leap of faith and act in courage on your reaction.   It's that defining moment of being defeated or standing up to fight.  What fuels the fire of courage?  A belief in what you're standing up for.  It's effortless.  By acting in courage and standing up to take control through the act of acceptance you move to a place of knowledge.  Gandhi said that we are to "be the change we want to see in the world."  Courage creates this change.

Having gained new knowledge, you and I, we're wiser for the journey.  Thus, the next time a change comes upon some resistance we'll recognize it faster and be better equipped about how to deal with it.  Maybe just that fact alone will help us to embrace change a little easier.  Nah, I didn't think so either.  ;)  


Copyright ©2010 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.
For personal use only. Commercial use without permission is not allowed.