Thursday, January 11, 2018

Truth & Consequences - Part 5 - The Bombshell

In December of 2015, the one I raised as my own, whom I had healthy boundaries with, walked back into my life due to a medical emergency I experienced. I genuinely believed it was a new beginning. Unfortunately, it was not. 

Lessons are repeated until they are learned. This time, I was the one learning the lesson. The lessons of how to let go, and how to eventually decide to stop holding any attachments to the hope that we would have any relationship again one day.

Last week, after 5 separate trips to her home state over the last two years, wherein I would never see her, countless unanswered messages, and zero phone calls, she decided to contact me. Why? To use me as a personal reference for the next chapter of her life. Within that brief exchange, I would learn that everything I endured over the years of trying to help her heal, and show her a better way, was a lie. 

The $25k+ I worked my ass off to make to save her, the sleepless nights, and the arguments with her father,  were all a waste of precious resources I could of spent on my son. But, I chose her, because, she was the one in danger, and supposedly being abused. My son wasn't. Simple as that. I acted on the information I had at the time, which was a 9 and 11 year old child's words. Words that even her own father questioned later as lies. Words we acted on, because that's what you do. You always believe the child. And, I have zero regrets that I did so. Because in the end, we all do our best with the information we have to act upon.

Part of my leaving her father, eventually, was his dismissive attitude towards her, and how she came to live with us. He told me countless times she was using us to get away from being a slave to her mom, and that he thought she lied about the repetitive circumstances that caused her to come to live with us. That we were being played and manipulated. Today, I think he was correct in that observation. If I ever saw him or spoke to him again, I would tell him he was right, and that I was sorry about that part of our dynamic.

Since his daughter became an adult, and a mother, she daughter reunited with her supposed abuser. Moved in with her, and eventually, gave her own child a golden ticket to being raised exactly as she was, all the way down to the permanent dotted line. Talk about a bombshell! A soul shaking, are you seriously telling me this, bombshell!  You're doing everything you told me you would never do when you moved in, with no where else to go besides a shelter? Wow. Well then. Talk about words not lining up with actions.  

And, a lesson like no other. It extinguished any thought, or hope that I held in my heart, that one day, she would come around to want to have a relationship with me again. I thought it would hurt more than it has, but it thankfully came at a time in my life when I am learning to become an observer.

My goal in 2018, is to observe the adults in my life with zero attachments. No tie to the outcome of their lives. I can want the best for everyone I love, but feeling that desire to the point of it breaking me wide open, or taking it personal, wasn't healthy for me. So, I am choosing to observe, and let go. To allow whatever is going on, to just be. Not my monkeys, not my circus. And in the end, the outcome of their lives has zero effects on how I sift and sort through my own. That's the greatest lesson of all. Thank you. I'll never forget it now. Neither should you.

It feels good to be free. Remember that. I love you.

Monday, January 1, 2018

The Shift

It was December 30, 2009.  I had ended a decade long relationship of love and toxic turmoil earlier that year, with a man I *know* I was tied to in a "way beyond this place" planned life.  My pulls are never wrong, ever. 

Since that time, I've treaded lightly in love, from not allowing myself to get close to "what I know" won't last, to cautiously believing in 2015, that I was on my way to a mutually respectful relationship headed towards a "real" marriage.  Instead, my heart was shattered by a coward.  Which, in the big picture, is OKAY.   Okay because my grandmother taught me, there's no room in a woman's life for a man without a spine to do the right thing.  Add to that the deaths of 2 other men I let into my day-to-day art of living these past 8 years, and well, needless to say, I've stayed single. Purposely single. Healing.

I haven't given up on love, on true partnership, on another pull walking into my life and rocking my world.  Just as I never lost the love I have towards the one I had to walk away from.  I will always love him from afar.  I will always be energetically tied to him.  I can tell you on any given day what mood he is in, or even when he thinks about me.  I will always love and appreciate what I learned in my time with him, raising his daughter as my own, enjoying the healthy days of energy between us, and becoming a strong woman walking away from them both (couldn't take her with me) to a healthier life, one free of his sociopathic, controlling, & narcissistic ways. 

God has a way of allowing us to create peace in any pain. We just have to look for the things to be grateful for in the situation, once removed from it. The 20+ years I spent knowing both the pull and the coward, I believe, laid the foundation, for whatever comes next for me. That one day, I'll have what was good and right about both of them, manifested in someone else. One taught me to trust my pulls. The other taught me that someone can and will love my Lipedema body, love me, accept me, with paranormal activities,  and everything that comes along with being a light, and a healer. That I can be me, 100% in my own skin.  A real partner, a best friend. No walls. No boundaries. Just effortless being. Yes, that's what's ahead. And, I'm happy being solo until I get it! Eight years later, I know my worth.  I hope you know yours. You're priceless. Remember that, I love you.