The Next Chapter: Now What?

2014, some question if it has been a cruel joke at times.  People call and ask how exactly are you doing all of this with such love, compassion and grace?  Seriously, it's all from beyond me.  Some call it The Cosmic Forces.  Others label it Faith.  God.  Jesus.  Buddha.  Spirit.  That yummy stuff we don't really have any true evidence of other than the unexplainable.  I'm human, vulnerable and fragile at times, just like you.  I question, I get angry, and I even get depressed.

On June 6th, I sat next to my grandfather in his last stage of life, listening to his breath as he was in a slumber, talking to him as I had each time I was there by his side these last few months hoping, then accepting, and finally learning to let go.  I knew it was time.  I knew he was ready.  I felt it.  I saw it.  I heard them as well.  As they'd been for the weeks, they'd been waiting for him.  My grandmother, his parents, his siblings, his friend from the Lodge all on the other side.  They were all there in that room again. This day it was different though.  This day I told him goodbye because I knew.  This day I told him thank you again for all that he'd done, made promises I knew that would bring him peace enough to surrender, and felt his embrace one last time through spirit.  Then I went to bring my son home for the weekend and planned to be back by his side again Saturday morning.  Before dawn though he was with them; happy, free and whole again on the other side.

Towards the end it was difficult for me to be there, their energies so intense around him.  It wasn't hard to see him as he was because I knew inside that he was only there in brief moments with us. A kiss.  A hand held.  That was him in his beautiful state of being.  Of knowing.

My last lucid conversation with him had been a mere two weeks earlier in the living room.  He was asking about Knowing, about what if I'd written for it that day, and about the band I was excited to have the opportunity to write for named Exilia.  He was fascinated that they were from Italy and had been touring in the States.  It was in the last few weeks that he learned for the first time the reach that is Knowing.  He had no idea that it was read all over the world by thousands of people in 45 countries (and counting).  He was incredibly proud of his granddaughter and questioned why it wasn't a "business" generating a living for me yet.  Because that wasn't the intention that I attached to this endeavor.  Why haven't you written a book yet Nita?  All of these people that you connect with, inspire and help by sharing your own story, they need a book.  Every single day that he was with us in a clear state, he asked about it.  Going forward, that will be his legacy carrying forth through me.  Just as when I sit to pen those questions and craft that piece on Exilia it will be for him, my fellow Italian.   

My mom and her sister are now entering the next chapter of their lives. It's a bittersweet and painful journey.  Saying good-bye to those you've loved for decades upon decades, those who molded you into who you would become is so damn hard.  It's a day I dread myself.  The day that both your parents are gone from this earth.  It's part of life though.  Part of the circle.  If things play out in their natural states, we reach this chapter with a support team of those who love us and bring meaning to our lives around us.  Not all of us have this though.  Many of us are single and childless when we bury our parent(s).  My mom and aunt have it better than most in that they can find meaning to life in their remaining family members.  

What happens though to those who don't have anyone?  No significant other to hold them at night through the grief, no children, grandchildren or pets to dote on.  How do they hold on?  How do they navigate the pain to find peace in it?  I've learned that they do so through community and friendships.  I've watched a few friends find family in their Tribe and give gratitude to their role in writing the next chapter of their lives.  It has shown me that truly, the Universe will rise up to greet you exactly where you are.  You just have to be open and ready to receive.  I believe in you.  I believe in our collective consciousness.  I also know that no matter when we go home, all is as it should be, as we (on the other side when we planned this life) wanted it to be.  We all come to learn.  Trust in the story.  Trust in the next chapter.  You wrote it.  Remember that.  I love you.

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed. 

The Long Winter - Resilience 101

Winter 2013-2014 may actually finally be behind us as we creep into June.  Yes Denver, I hear you disagreeing with me right now.  :)  To say it has been a doozy of a winter for myself might be a tad of an understatement.  You tell me.  Here's the recap.

1) Cousin's daughter's Cystic Fibrosis no longer responds to medication.  Sweet six year old Kaylee fights off N1H1 in January and is on the verge of a transplant list to save her life by May.  Just before Mother's Day weekend her body begins to respond again ever so slightly. We're a family holding onto hope, trying to not give thought to the unthinkables of this fatal condition. 

2) Transcending more chapters closing on the financial front and reminding me yet again that if it's meant to be that it's up to me (in February and again as of late).  Seriously, I'm almost finding these repeating circumstances comical.  I'm beyond fortunate to have a tribe of kick ass people behind me to see me through it.  No need to repeat this cycle again though.  I will never place my family's financial fate in another's hands other than my own ever again.  Repeat after me:  "If it's meant to be, it's up to me."

3)  Best friend/PT roommate when he couldn't shower or be warm at his own home thanks to "family" not being there for him as he was at his sickest died in November.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and reach out to connect again.  It's a shock to the system and a new normal that I'm still adjusting to.  Some days are okay, other days I HATE IT and feel like I can't get away from myself fast enough.

4)  My business partner and big sister from the Universe's mom's farewell to this life happened after a very long good-bye.  As long as I've known this special lady, her momma has suffered in limbo.  This would be how she and her sister's years ended.  Truly sad to see so many we call friend letting their parents go.

5)  Good friend/favorite conversationalist dies in January.  As if the first punch to the gut wasn't hard enough in November.  Ugh.  Just ugh.  Known this joker for over 20 years too, all the way back to 7th grade.  Yea, if the roller coaster ride had only let me off here.  

6)  Colleague loses her own fight to N1H1 after a long battle in three hospitals between VA and WV in January and February.  Her family lost her daddy about a year ago too.  My heart breaks everyday for her son and husband.

7)  Same month that the colleague is ill I come down with something that for the first time in 5+ years sends my medically uninsured self to a Minute Clinic.  Scared say what?

8)  Leader in my profession passes tragically in the midst of all of these other events, shaking up our little work family.

9)  Grandfather's hip gives out, he falls and has a full hip replacement at 100 1/2 years old in February.  We would later learn that the post surgery dementia and related problems would be the beginning of the "long goodbye."  As of this week, he's been accepted into the local Hospice program.  

10)  Dear sweet sister from the Universe's neighbor (and our old classmate) dies at his wife's side as she tries to save him.  The last memory his children have of him is him tucking them and telling them how much he loved them.  Another family in my heart every single day.

11)  One of my favorite doting father's on Facebook and yet another old classmate dies the morning of his 12 year old daughter's slumber party celebrating her birthday.  Two of his girls were making breakfast and tried to save his life giving him CPR.  Three more girls orphaned with only a mom now.

12)  My father's father-in-law comes to visit from the Philippines on his annual trip and ends up having emergency brain surgery for complications from an automobile accident that he was victim to months before his visit.  We hope to have him back at my dad's this week from his extended hospital stay.

There you have it, the dirty dozen.  Add to that crazy ass roller coaster ride of a winter we had with weather (and myself NOT being a winter person) and lets just say SPRING COULDN'T GET HERE FAST ENOUGH.  Here's the thing though, it hasn't really stopped. Just last week my daughter (the ex's/step-daughter) was hospitalized almost 1000 miles away for three days without any family there to be by her side and see her through it.  

It is what it is, not what I want or wish it would be and I'm rolling with it.  I have a very witty and charming friend who reminds me often of how well I am handling these things. Her occasional comments are a sweet pat on the back from those over there who know I struggle sometimes daily not to completely lose my shit.  

May is hard, really, really HARD.  It's warmer now and I'm outside more than I'm inside these days.  Days and nights working from the front porch and back deck.  Many nights as of late remembering; seeing and hearing Thomas where he once stood or sat before.  Mother's Day and its bittersweet and a beautiful day in the new normal.  May 12th was also the birthday of Thomas's mother.  I took comfort knowing that this year he didn't have to miss her from here to there, that they were together again in spirit form.  The first birthday since Dave passed is this month too.  I still have on my phone texts from both of them on these important days.  A year later and it's all topsy turvy.  Thinking about Dave's mom and brother enduring Easter and Mother's Day together missing him hit me ultra hard this year.  I made a promise to my friend after he passed that I've yet to deliver on yet but will soon regarding that situation.  Yes, May is really fucking hard.  

I know this much though now; I can do hard things. 

So many people out there I love are hurting and struggling with loss, illness and other stressors.  We are all in a season of testing and triumph for some.  Do we have what it takes to stay the course, to be resilient?  Time is the best indication of that answer.  I believe we will.  Take it or leave it, change is here to stay.  It never actually leaves you see.  You just have seasons of it tucked away on the back of the shelf getting dusty.  

As you navigate life's long winters, please remember that you're not alone in any of it. We are all connected.  We are all one.  Your pain is our pain and your joy is our joy.  This is why we must all push through the muck to persevere.  We rarely have the opportunity to go from A to B in swift fashion overnight.  Progress is a journey of successive steps.  Strive to remain present in today and this very moment.  Yesterday isn't going to fix tomorrow after all, it's today that gets the job done.  

I really want you to hear this.  YOU CAN get through the long winters of your life.  You just have to see to it that you hold on with all you've got and decide that a life well lived isn't one without heartache and tragedy.  No, a life well lived is one wherein heartache and tragedy are greeted where they reside, and left there to linger, not taking up residence in the day-to-day art of living.  

We decide.  Remember that.  I love you. 

Copyright ©2014 Nita Clewis All rights reserved.  For personal use only.  Commercial use without permission of the author is not allowed.  Sharing with friends and family is warmly welcomed.